Life and Everyday

Where you been??

just tired

So much stuff has happened since last time I have written in my blog.  New dx’s for autoimmune stuff, genetic stuff, just helath crap in general.  I just hurt from the inside of my bones out.  Katey is doing  ok.  She got out of the adolescent mental health unit last week.  Her ADHD and control issues and stuff are just that….out of control.  But I think the hospital stay helped her to gain some control back.  She’s only 11 and wants so much control, especially here at home.  I feel like such a failure.  All I want to do is cry.  And she knows that I am a wimp.  She knows that I don’t always follow through.  She knows that I am in pain.  She knows that she can sometimes take advantage of me.  I want someone to teach me how to be strong even when I am in intense pain.  I have yet to find that.

I made a list of all the things I need to do tomorrow.  Just like I always do.  I don’t have anything on my calendar tomorrow, so I should get most if not all of it done.

28 days…..that’s all I have left here at this apartment.  I am moving and I have no clue where I am going.  I don’t have a place to go, to live.  I haven’t found a house, apartments, anything.  I stay up at night scouring the net.  It’s always the same.  Nothing I can afford.  I don’t want to live in the scum parts of the city.  I don’t want to live in dangerous, gun infested, gang infested parts of the city either.  I am so alone it sucks ass.

Yes, feeling sorry for myself once again.  Big fat pity party once again.  Just trying to figure it out.  Going to figure it out.

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Life and Everyday

#5 – Something to think about – suffering

TheSufferingOfTheInnocent600

 

Continuing on my journey of “epiphanies” I have been reading about.  Here is number 5.

5. Human beings have evolved to suffer, and we are better at suffering than anything else.

Yikes. It doesn’t sound like a very liberating discovery. I used to believe that if I was suffering it meant that there was something wrong with me — that I was doing life “wrong.” Suffering is completely human and completely normal, and there is a very good reason for its existence. Life’s persistent background hum of “this isn’t quite okay, I need to improve this,” coupled with occasional intense flashes of horror and adrenaline are what kept human beings alive for millions of years. This urge to change or escape the present moment drives nearly all of our behavior. It’s a simple and ruthless survival mechanism which works exceedingly well for keeping us alive, but it has a horrific side effect: human beings suffer greatly by their very nature. This, for me, redefined every one of life’s problems as some tendril of the human condition. As grim as it sounds, this insight is liberating because it means: 1) that suffering does not necessarily mean my life is going wrong, 2) that the ball is always in my court, so the degree to which I suffer is ultimately up to me, and 3) that all problems have the same cause and the same solution.

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So, hmmmmm.  Thoughts?  Well, yeah.  Suffering doesn’t mean that something is ultimately wrong with me or something is wrong with the situation that I am in.  It’s just a part of life.  It is what it is.  Right?  It certainly sucks at times, it’s just that.  sucks.   I have dealt with that before, I will deal with it again.

I think  of that now as I come upon another surgery.  I had my pre-op surgery appointment yesterday.  I began to freak out (the usual) about how I was going to get everything done BEFORE surgery so that things will run more smooth AFTER surgery.  Mind you this is the 4th surgery I have had on this foot.  I have made it through 3, so this should be a breeze, right?  Well, yes and no.  I live in a different city (bigger), my daughter is older and in more activities.  I have more appointments as does she.  That in itself had me wired yesterday.  Ok, breathe.  Thinking about it this morning……IT IS WHAT IT IS!!   I have done this before.

Putting it all into perspective….I will do what I can before surgery date (next Thursday) and then do what I can while laid up for the next how ever long it takes to get better.  K is older and I hope and pray that she will be more helpful.  We have talked and she is willing to be of more help.  I think that will boost her self-esteem knowing that she can do more and feel like she is more grown up.  (good and bad??)  So….with that said.  I have been creating my own suffering.  More like dwelling in it.  But getting it in perspective knowing that, this is also my solution.  I can and will get through this.  One step (pun intended) at a time.

Be well….

🙂

Life and Everyday

You are MORE!!

 

This has proven to be a long week….it’s only Thursday.  Many days with tears….but….tonight I finally feel human again.  Or maybe I should say more “normal”.  I have this tendency to worry and worry about stuff.  Lately it’s been financial stuff.

I was laying down yesterday just to veg some while K was playing in her room.  I got a phone call.  I think that all my worries about figuring out how to pay for the rest of my college is about figured out.  Workforce Development Center/Vocational Rehabilitation is going to see how they can help me.  I will need to go in next week and speak to a counselor.  The man I talked to yesterday was the “top dog” of the program.  I explained my situation, etc.  He was more than willing to work with me.

I have always hated being labeled.  Most of my life I have had one label or another.  Depressed.  Generalized Anxiety.  Bi-Polar.  Lonely. Passive-Aggressive. Borderline.  Mentally ill.  I hated them all.  Even the ones not appropriate to type here.  But yesterday was one day I didn’t mind having this “mental illness” label.  I know that I am doing exceptionally well right now.  Even on my down days, they are not as bad as they once had been.  But, with my “disability”, I will be able to finish my degree and move onto making a better life for K and me.  I will probably always have that label.  But it certainly doesn’t DEFINE who I am.  I am so much more than my illness.  So is everyone who has ever been label themselves.  YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN THE LABEL given to you!!!

Life is always throwing curve balls.  Sometimes you just have to change your stance.  Have a little faith.  Trust in God.  Believe in yourself.  Trust your intuition.

Life and Everyday

Wanting More

 

I have been very blessed with old friends re-emerging in my life in the past year.  Friends I have had lost contact with, but we seem to pick up right where we left off.  I have also encountered some friends who have ended friendship with me for one reason or another.  Mostly because I am not who I used to be and I have grown up and will not let them or anyone else walk all over me or make important decisions for me.

I have been struggling tho lately with my own self-worth and purpose.  I know that I am so much better than I was even 2 years ago.  My daughter is finally coming home.  My life isn’t without it’s ups and downs, that is for sure, but I know I cope differently.  But I still some emptiness or something that nags at me.  I have been trying to finish my degree at college.  But am running into financial difficulties.  I have been at this so long, that my federal funds have run out.  I have hit the max.  So now what?  I am so close to finishing and I don’t want to have to “give up” because I can’t pay for it.  I need to find some resources for grants or scholarships or something.  I got my first bill from college today.  Little over $6000.  I don’t have that just sitting around.  I can’t ask my mom.  She doesn’t have that kind of money either.  I just don’t know where to start with this.

There are so many things I still want.   Maybe they are needs.  I am not sure about that either.  Longing for something.  I really like where I am in life.  I can’t say that it’s all bad.  I have some very awesome things happening.  But still something is missing.

want to —

  • be more creative
  • have more time for serenity and meditation
  • spend more time with friends
  • walk, bike, swim,  and hike more
  • decorate my new apartment
  • find things for K to do this summer that won’t cost me too much
  • be more prompt on my assignments for classes
  • make more healthy choices in regards to food and exercise
  • write more
  • blog more
  • create more
  • stay focused
  • take more pictures
  • be understood
  • hide less
  • express myself more
  • worry less
  • be myself
  • still lose 100 more pounds

 

They all seem pretty attainable but so time consuming.  Will I have time to do all that and then some?  I know Rome wasn’t built in a day.  One moment at a time.  Breathe.  Breathe.  Breathe.

Life and Everyday

health stuff

the blood doc said that all my levels are pretty decent. I am still borderline anemic and low potassium, but it’s been stable like that for the last 3 months. LOL so, all is alright…..my thyroid med was lowered yesterday too. Overall, my health is doing pretty darn ok right now.

what a relief!!!  wish my energy level would increase tho.  i think it’s cuz i can’t do much for exercise right now.  walked around wal-mart for about an hour this afternoon and by the time i was checking out, my knee was hurting so bad.  i can’t wait for Dr. C to get back from vacation next week to finally do something about this.  sick of pain.  just heal it up and let me go.

i have so many things i want to do.  but this darn knee is holding me back.  i don’t like taking the pain pills.  they make me feel funky.  well more funky than usual.  LOL

i think my next post is going to be about why i want and need to keep losing this weight.

Life and Everyday

Thankful days 9 and 10

well i did it again!!!  ran out of time in the day to write out my day of Thanks!!  so this morning I have time and will do it twice.

1.  I am thankful for my surgeon and the weight loss staff.  I have been going through some hard times since surgery and they are always right there helping me out.  Giving me suggestions to try so that I can keep from getting sick.  Also thank for all the doctors and staff that treat me.  Dr. G, Dr. L, Dr. K, Dr. C, Dr. Z, Angie, Jamie, all the nurses, etc.  You all are the bomb!!  Thanks for your care and concern when I am not feeling the greatest and even when I am doing good.

2.  I am thankful for all my Life church friends.  I am so looking forward to meeting them next weekend.  The Big Show is next Friday in Edmond.  I am excited to be meeting some of the other volunteer that I work with.  I am also thankful for LifeChurch in general.  This church has given me more meaning and life to my life.  Given me hope when I felt like giving up.   Amazing place.  www.lifechurch.tv

 

 

 

Life and Everyday

fall weather

This is how I feel tonight.  I have been sick all week with a cold and stuff like that.  Went to the doctor and got some antibiotics……the first ones made me swell like a cabbage patch kid….and itch and red….YUCK.  So right away called them and now I am on prednisone and different antibiotic.

~  Well, I started this blog last night and didn’t get back to it.  Was fellowshipping with my good friends from LifeChurch last night.  But the picture still holds true for this morning.  It’s a big shivery up here today.

My mind is reeling with thoughts this morning.  It’s Katey’s 8th birthday today.  We aren’t celebrating today, that will happen all weekend next weekend.  YAY.   I miss the booger.  I miss her hugs.  Her laughs.  Her all out silliness.

The other big thing on my mind this morning is:  What is God calling me to do?  This question has been in my brain for a few days but waking up thinking about it.  I wonder what is in store for me.  I get excited about the possibilities.  What doors are open to me now?   What ones will be opened next semester as I near graduation?  Might have to blog more about that all later.

My health is getting better.  This cold/flu stuff that I have is finally leaving me I believe.  My nose is still sore from blowing and my throat a bit scratchy from coughing.  But overall, I feel better.  I dislike (bigtime) being sick.  I feel like I let all sorts of people down when I am sick.  Mostly myself, I suppose.

I am under 300 now.  YAY!!  total weight loss of 28 pounds since surgery date (8/11/2011)!!  4 inches on my waist and 3 on my hips thus far.  I need to get more measurements again this next week.  I am happy about it.  At first I wasn’t sure because my brain thinks weight should be going faster, but this is fast by all other standards.    I see Dr. LaMasters on Monday.  Have a check up since I have been sick and stuff for the past couple weeks.  I also see Dr. Z on Monday.  It will be the first time since before surgery too.  Hopefully he will be nice and have some kind words.  🙂

I am trying to decide what to do first today.  I need to clean this place.  I feel human enough today that maybe I will tackle the other bedroom.  Maybe try to get the other bed set up instead of it being in the hallway.  hmmm?  anyone want to come over and help?  we could have a cleaning party.

Let love be the guide my friends.  Have an awesome Saturday.