Re-start – again…..

**I found this letter a couple of days ago – happy calorie counting!
______________________________________________________________
Dear Fat,

This is to inform you that your lease is coming to an end and that it is time for you to vacate the premises. We’ve had a long-term arrangement, you and I, even friendly at times, but all good things must come to an end, and it is now time for this working relationship to end.

You have brought neighborhood property values down, and have polluted the neighborhood for the last time! You are no longer wanted here and must leave.

Please pack up your bags and prepare to be evicted.

Sincerely Yours,

Management

_____________________________________________________________________

 

Ok.  time to get real serious again about this.  My stomach is killing me.  I called a bariatric doctor here in the Cities…St. Paul.  I need to get in to see one.  Before all that, I have to get all my records from Dr. LaMasters in De.s Moines where I had surgery done almost 2 years ago.  Wow.  2 years ago…Aug 11, 2011.  I had vertical gastric sleeve surgery.  I have lost a total of 107 pounds.  I have maintained that for the past year.  But, am or have been having some tummy problems for the past 6 months or so.  Some terrible acid reflux even though I take Nexium every day.  I feel like my digestion isn’t quite right.  So I am returning to protein shakes and small portions.  Going to try to see if I can get this controlled.  I will still go to this new doc and see what I can get done.

I totally bombed on my exercise.  I need to get with it.  I what happened my “give a damn busted”.  I have been so concerned with getting K in a good space and getting all that she needs in place, I forgot about me.  But she is doing well now.  Meds are working good.  She is having way less meltdowns and doing quite well actually.  School starts in about 3 1/2 weeks or so.  She is good.

Now to tackle me.  I am currently unemployed.  Which sucks.  Reading Corps was fun and challenging.  I love the kiddos I worked with dearly.  I will miss them.  But management sucked.  I will continue to support the AmeriCorps and MRC programs but not the immediate supervisors here in my town.  That was totally off topic.

Back to weight loss crap.  See how much I don’t like to talk about this now?  I am disgusted with myself once again.  I need to figure out what happened to me.  I lost myself.  I feel fat and flabby and out of control again.  I need the dedication to keep a food journal and be extremely honest.  I need someone to hold me absolutely accountable.  Even if I hate it….that is what I need.  Kick me in ass when I need it, even if I get pissed and they won’t take it personally. I need God to drop me a person to help me with this.  I want to get out of bed and not worry about getting to the YMCA to do water aerobics and work out.  No more excuses.  Kick my ass someone.  PLEASE!!!

Dammit I need to get out of this funk.

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my whining post

Today I want to whine.  So gather up your cheese and whine with me.

I am so tired of everything right now.  From being a single mom to working at a school where I feel like a peon most days to just being alone all the time.  Oh I can’t forget the daily struggle with fibro and lupus pain.  And many appointments that make me feel that I am on the road just constantly.  And today is another one of those days.  What a way to start my spring break.

I take K to Mayo Clinic today to see her plastic surgeon for a check up for her hemangemonia, aka blood vessel tumor.  She is about that age where they may consider doing another surgery as it is almost “teen” time and she is still conscious of it.  I don’t know.  We’ll see what he says.  It will be a new doc as her other one retired.  She is all nervous and crap too.  I would rather just stay home and sleep.  Nice mom huh.

Spring break.  What a fun time.  What are we doing.  Nothing.  Well we will probably go to Iowa this weekend and help mom and Tiny unpack from the trip from Texas.  Maybe spend a day or so there.  Then come back and hang out here doing some teacher gopher stuff.  Earn my hours.  Try to get some extra hours somehow someway to get what I need for MRC.  Sucks.  I got my official first warning from Kelly yesterday.  Evidently I am not doing something right.  I need to read and re-read the code of conduct over and over and over and see what I am doing wrong.  I have to administer all my interventions to kids rote (verbatim) as the script says.  The kids will get very bored with that.  I know…some are already.  Sometimes the strictness of the rules of this job suck.  Kids learn different in different ways.  I try to get to know their ways of learning and still go by the ways of the MRC code and help guide them to what I am supposed to do.  Evidently that isn’t right.  Whatever.

K is 9.  Pre-teen has already set in.  The attitude is making it’s mark….BIG TIME.  How the heck do you other mothers deal with an attitude that totally sucks.  “you can’t make me”, “what if i don’t?”, blah blah blah…….I have taken away all electronics.  We are going to make a list of all the other things she can do when electronics are gone for awhile.  Read, draw, paint, playdoh, anything.  She hates that I take her DS, my Kindle, the Wii, my computer and even shut off the TV for more than 3 hours.  I could care less.  The less noise for me the better.  Her only 2 jobs right now are cleaning out the clean dishes from the dishwasher and taking the fancy dust thingy and dusting off the tv and surrounding pictures and other things.  She complains about this too.  How do you deal with that?

I am in therapy.  I meet with Adam tomorrow at noon.  K will be going to they Y 3 days of this Spring break.  of course they are days I have appointments.  Getting a tooth pulled….and therapy days.  wooohoo.

Is your cheese gone yet?  did you grab your real glass of wine.  If it wasn’t so early I would drink up a glass of real whine.

off to Mayo Clinic in an hour.

I hope your day goes well……Happy Thursday…ya’ll…

Julie

Things You Need to Know About My Illness

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 13 things you need to know about Depression/BiPolar/Fibromylgia/Chronic Pain   

(from one who has suffered this disease)

 1. I am one in every 20 people that you will meet 

clinical depression is real. bipolar illness is real.  fibromylgia is real.  chronic pain is real.   if i am stuck in my sadness, anxiety, pain, fogginess, anger, or rage for weeks, or even months, i could be any of the above. be careful what you say about any of these illnesses, or what you say about those “crazy” people.  if you have never experienced any of these, you don’t understand – so please don’t pretend to know “just how I feel”.  I am all around you.  I might even BE you.

2. I don’t want to be sick

I didn’t pick this for me.  I don’t want to be stuck here in this isolation, anger, insomnia, sadness, darkness.  there is nothing about this that is okay with me.

3. I can’t think my way out of being sick

if I could just feel better, I would.  just like a diabetic can’t just say “I don’t want diabetes”.  life happens, and I don’t have the power in my mind to get well.

4. I don’t want to ask for help (or admit I am not okay)

one of the major signs of these illnesses is not being able to admit I am sad (in a disabling kind of way).  I am not strong enough to know I need help.  by asking for help, I would have to admit I am NOT okay, and i simply can’t face this possibility.

5. I feel “crazy”

I know things are not as they should be, and i am scared of all of these feelings. but I don’t know what to do about it.  i feel desperately lost and confused.

6. I need YOUR help to get well

hold me accountable – when I am sick, I am not well enough to evaluate my situation.  do whatever you can do to get me to a medical professional, as soon as you see signs

7. I am not weak because I take  meds

most people suffering from mental illness or physical illnesses can be helped by medication and/or therapy.  don’t make comments about me being lesser, weaker, not strong in enough “my faith” because I am on meds.

8. I might stop taking my meds when I start to feel better – and I can not do this  

no other disease has so many people taking themselves OFF of prescribed medication.  I will fight my battle with being on these meds for a lifetime.  I don’t want to “need” my pills, but I do.  Watch for me spiraling, and ask me the hard question, “are you taking your meds?”  (but don’t ask me in the middle of a fight -please don’t do this)

9. I cannot explain how I feel

I don’t even understand it myself. i am angry about nothing, and sad about everything. but i can’t even explain it to me.

10. I can’t depend on your happy life to get me better

your being in a good mood, and being cheery won’t help me out of my depression.  even you doing wonderful, sweet, generous, thoughtful things for me – won’t chase my sickness away

11. I want to hide all the time, from myself, from my spouse, from my closest friends

I am terrified to be around you when I am depressed.  even for a while after being on meds, i still don’t feel  like the “old me”.  give me time, don’t ask me how i am all the time.  BUT, still check on me.

12. I still need your help, even months, even years after my diagnosis – diseases don’t just go away.

I need your accountability to be honest about what you see, when you see it.  please don’t avoid the obvious.  I need your courage when I am weak.

13. I have to fight to be well

it is a fight, a daily choice, often over and over again on any given day, to fight this disease, so it won’t win over me.

 

These issues are real.  It is all around you.  You have a role in understanding and helping those you know who are struggling.  And the problem is only getting bigger. Open your eyes, and your mind to the realities of this disease.

Can you help?

I am sorry that I have a need to write this.  I feel ashamed and unworthy.  But this is something I need to do right now.

I am struggling with making my rent this month.

Along with some bad figgering and lots of travelling over Christmas and sickness, etc.  I have have come up short.

If you can please help me, I would be forever grateful.

My email addy for paypal is iceyjewel@gmail.com.

If you would like to write me personally, inbox me.  Thank you in advance.  Blessings.

Julie..

What are your 5 improvements for the New Year??

It’s coming, whether we are ready or not.  2012 is leaving us….2013 is joining us.  So what about resolutions?  I hate them.  But I do like thinking about things I want to improve on during the year.

Merriam Webster defines Resolution as:

list-of-New-Year-resolutions.jpg

res·o·lu·tion

1: the act or process of resolving: as

a : the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones

b : the act of answering : solving

karate-kankakee-self-improvement

im·prove·ment

1: the act or process of improving
2 a: the state of being improvedespecially : enhanced value or excellence

   b : an instance of such improvement : something that enhances value or excellence
So….these are the areas I want to improve on throughout the year:

1. My daughter. I want to finally be able to know how to help her be using her full potential.  Testing will be done early January.  Going to find out what is really going on and what to do to help her.  I want to be the best mom I can be for her.

2. Health. I want to continue to work on my weight loss journey.  I need to get back to the weight loss doctor and get back on the food program.  I need to be consistent and persistent and make it to my appointments.

3. Finances. I want to sort out my finances. Starting with developing a budget which includes monthly savings. I need to figure out how to catch up with all the bills I am behind on.  I want to start the New Year with a plan.

4. University. I want this year to go by smoothly. I know that I need to continue with it and as difficult and frustrating as it is, I need to finish. I wish for the strength and determination to see it through. I need to also figure out the financial aid part because I don’t qualify for any aid what so ever.  So I need to come up with alternatives to paying for the rest of my BA.

5. Courage. I wish for the courage to let go of all that I can’t change. I wish for the courage to forgive and forget. I wish for the courage to move on. I wish for the courage to put me first.  I wish for courage to be extremely honest in my therapy so that I can heal my past and move on to the present with less anxiety and stress.

There you go…my five wishes for 2013. These will guide me as the year unfolds and life takes over.

What are your wishes for 2013?

learning something new (again)

I found this in my email a couple days ago.  Have been meaning to share it.  It’s something I have read and need to start implementing in my life.  I think if I put it here, I will see it again and again.

It comes from “Zen Habits” by Leo Babuta

Called 7 Little Things That Make Life Effortless

Take what you want from this list. I find these things work, but your mileage will vary.

1. Do less. This is my productivity mantra, and it’s counterintuitive. I actually don’t believe in productivity, but instead believe in doing the important things. Do less, and you’ll force yourself to choose between what’s just busywork, and what really matters. Life then becomes effortless, as you accomplish big things while being less busy.

2. Having less is lighter. Start asking yourself if you really need everything you have, or if you just have it out of fear. Start to let go of what you have, so it doesn’t own you. And then, as you have less, you feel lighter. It’s wonderful.

3. Let the little things go. People who struggle often fight over little things. We obsess over things that don’t really matter. We create resistance instead of letting things glide off us. Let the little things go, breathe, and move on to the important things.

4. Clean as you go. I haven’t written about this  for a long time, but early in the life of Zen Habits I wrote about the habit of cleaning as you go. Instead of letting the cleaning pile up, put things away when you’re done. Wash your bowl. Wipe the counters clean as you pass them. Sweep up dirt when you notice it. By cleaning a little bit at a time, as you make messes, cleaning up becomes a breeze, and it’s never difficult. By the way, this applies to everything in life, not just cleaning.

5. Make small, gradual changes. Most people are too impatient to follow this advice — they want to do everything at once. We have so many changes to make, but we don’t want to wait a year for it all to happen. As a result, we often fail, and then feel crappy about it. Or we don’t start at all, because so many big changes is intimidating and overwhelming. I’ve learned the hard way that small changes are incredibly powerful, and they last longer. Gradual change leads to huge change, but slowly, and in a way that sticks. And it’s effortless.

6. Learn to focus on the things that matter. This is implied in the items above, but it’s so important I have to emphasize it. Swimming (or any physical activity for that matter) is best done when you do only the motions that matter, and eliminate the extraneous motions. Stop thrashing, start becoming more efficient and fluid. You do this by learning what matters, and cutting out the wasted activity.

7. Be compassionate. This makes dealing with others much more effortless. It also makes you feel better about yourself. People like you more, and you improve the lives of others. Make every dealing with another human being one where you practice compassion.