Life and Everyday

“Words will never hurt me”


(written in 2010)

When I was young

I heard “words will never hurt me”

I believed you when you said it.

As I grew older

I grew sick of taunting words

“What’s wrong with you”

” You are so fat and ugly”

Maybe those closest to me

Thought it would help me get thick skin

But it didn’t.

It dug a hole.

So very deep, and NOTHING can fill it

These words they said

Those names they called

I hear them daily in my head.

I hate each mirror that I pass

Only looking long enough to fix my hair, or try to smile.

Tears in my eyes

Ashamed of who I have become.

I’ve listened and taken in all those words….

They are what I have become…..maybe….

Not yet.  I can’t see anything but

Ugly in me.


Life and Everyday

Hurting heart ♥

My friend Karen told me this tonight:  you’re looking for someone outside yourself to make you feel good about yourself.  And, it’s not going to work.  You’ve got to be emotionally okay with who you are inside and out before seeking someone to be your life partner.

Yeah…it happened again.  I let a guy get too close and my heart got hurt again.  As I was reading some blogs tonight I came across this blog from Marc and Angel Hack Life.  It’s called:

9 Things a True Friend Would Never Do

An acquaintance has a little something in common with you and merely enjoys your company for a short time.  A fair-weather friend flatters you when the sun is shining and the birds are chirping.  A true friend, on the other hand, has your very best interests at heart and would NEVER…

1.  Criticize you for being flawed.

As flawed as you might be, as out of place as you sometimes feel, and as lacking as you think you are, you don’t have to hide all the imperfect pieces of yourself from a true friend.  They see your flaws as features that make you interesting and beautiful.

The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations.  True friends love and appreciate each other just the way they are.

2.  Walk away when times get tough.

True friendship and good character is all about how a person nurtures another person when they are vulnerable and can give very little in return.  Thus, it’s not who’s standing beside you during good times, but the ones who stick by you through tough times that are your true friends.

So take note of who remains in your life when times get tough, especially the people who sacrifice the resources they have in their life to help you improve yours when you need it most.  Seriously, when you come out the other side of a difficult period in your life, look around you.  The people still standing beside you are your true friends.

3.  Discourage you.

Unfortunately, some who seem like your friends will try to hold you back from your full potential.  It may be difficult, but don’t let these negative impostors bring you down.  Don’t ever let your so-called friends turn your sky into a ceiling.  Beware of friends who try to belittle your ambitions.  Small hearts and minds always do that.  The greatest hearts and minds – the people you should spend time around – make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Remember, encouraging things happen when you distance yourself from discouraging people.  Doing so doesn’t mean you hate them, it simply means you respect yourself.  (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

4.  Hold a grudge over your head.

Some people will refuse to accept that you are no longer who you used to be – that you’ve made mistakes in the past, learned from them, and moved beyond them.  They may not be able to stand the fact that you’re growing and moving on with your life, and so they will try to drag your past to catch up with you.  Do not help them by acknowledging their begrudging behavior.  Let go of their negativity, find peace, and liberate yourself!

A true friend never holds the unchangeable past against you; instead, they help your repair your present and future.  If someone relentlessly judges you by your past and holds it against you, you might have to take matters into your own hands, and repair your present and future by leaving them behind.

5.  Lie to you.

When you keep someone in your life who is a chronic liar, and you keep giving them new chances to be trusted, you have a lot in common with this person – you’re both lying and being unfriendly to YOU.

If you know someone who avoids the truth by telling you only what you want to hear, they do so for their own benefit, not yours.  They are not a true friend and they don’t deserve to be treated as such.

6.  Pretend like they have all the answers.

If you think about the people who have had the greatest positive effect on your life – the ones who truly made a difference – you will likely realize that they aren’t the ones that tried to give you all the answers or solve all your problems.  They’re the ones who sat silently with you when you needed a moment to think, who lent you a shoulder when you needed to cry, and who tolerated not having all the answers, but stood beside you anyway.

Don’t look for a friend who will solve all your problems; look for one who will face them with you.  (Read Tuesdays with Morrie.)

7.  Take from you without giving back.

You deserve to be with friends who make you smile – friends who don’t take you for granted – friends who won’t leave you hanging.  When you notice that a friend is always taking from you without giving back, you might need to distance yourself from them for a while.  If they care, they’ll notice.  If they don’t, you know where you stand.

You should want to give, but you shouldn’t be forced to always give more than you get.  If you feel like you are being taken advantage of, respect yourself enough to confront the situation.  This doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends with those who you feel are at fault, but you need to evaluate your friendships and realize where to draw the line when you give yourself to certain people.

8.  Bully you.

It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but just as much to stand up to your friends.  Sometimes bullying comes from the most unlikely places.  Be cognizant of how your friends treat you, and look out for the subtle jabs they throw.  When necessary, confront them or distance yourself from them – whatever it takes to give yourself the opportunity to grow into who you really are.

Life’s too short to be hanging around people who try to control and manipulate you.  Anyone who does so is not a true friend.  Gain your independence by taking off the shackles and freeing yourself from these bullies.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)

9.  Make you feel like you’re burdening them.

True friendship is never burdened with stressful promises and obligations.  What true friends do for each other should be done because they care and because they want to do them.  Period.

So don’t chase people.  They don’t need to be chased.  If someone is a true friend and wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever force yourself on someone who continuously overlooks your worth.


A true friend who understands your tears and troubles is far more valuable than a hundred friends who only show up for your smiles and joys.  Because a true friend accepts who you truly are, and also helps you become who you are capable of being.

Friendships like this require more than just finding the right person, they also require you to be the right person.  When someone believes in you enough to lift you up, try not to let them down.  True friendship is a sweet responsibility to be nurtured, not an opportunity to be exploited.


Another hard lesson learned tonight.  I know I trust way to easily.  I keep searching outside myself for that acceptance and love.  I know it begins inside me….but I “forget” or I don’t trust myself enough for that to be enough for me, if that makes sense.     I have been alone for so long, I just want to be loved.  I feel unlovable.

Not exactly true, I know.  But by the opposite sex…..I am not so sure.

Life and Everyday

Physical Pain


Bout had enough of this low back and hip pain.  Been up since about 3:30 AM….I just couldn’t handle it.  I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but I have had enough.  Went to the ER around 4am….they took x-rays…no fractures or stress fractures or anything like that…thank the good Lord.  they gave me scripts for some pain meds.  thank you.  I hate them, but will use them when I need to.  They are also sending me to a spine clinic.  should be interesting.  I still need to google the places here in the Cities as I don’t know anything about them.

This sure will make moving next week fun.  NOT!!  I am going to have to make some major calls to friends and family up here. I can’t do this.  I am supposed to start PT on my knees next week too.  My freakin body HATES me.  I am so trying to get healthy and get rid of pain.  Losing weight that I need to.  Exercising more.  even after going to the ER today, I headed over to the YMCA and swam and did water aerobics.  didn’t get out of there until nearly 10 am.  doing the exercise helped loosen me up and stuff.  helped more than I thought.   I did a    LOT of stretching before and after.  I have only taken one pain pill today.  will probably take one before going to sleep.  just so that i can sleep.

I don’t know what else to do.  this is totally nuts.  to have this much pain.  i see the chiro just about twice every week.  he is trying hard to get my spine to be right adjusted.  it sticks for about 3 hours or so…then the pain returns.  I am not doing stupid crazy stuff to end up hurting my back again.  but something isn’t right.


sorry needed to vent a bit…

Life and Everyday

Scars and pain

Memories and Scars

sometime ago…years in fact…i was a girl who self mutilated.

i cut to bring relief to my pain inside my heart, inside my soul…

i cut to see if i was really alive

i cut to see if my blood was really as bad as they say it was.

i cut to release so much pent up anger.

man, i used to be so angry.

at my parents, friends, so-called friends, men, ex’s, MYSELF…

It’s been at least nearly 6 years since I last physically hurt myself on purpose.

amazing how times goes by

i have found new coping skills, new ways of thinking.

i try them out and figure out what works for me.

the rest….well…i toss to the side.

cliches suck.  one day at a time.  chin up.  pull yourself up by your boot straps.

ridiculous words that done really mean much to me.  it’s like not taking time to really think of a response to whatever I am saying or going though.

it’s really irritating.  it’s down right frustrating sometimes.

though my scars remain, some of the hurt is still there.

i haven’t talked about that for quite some time.

weight issues, shame, fear, sexual situations that weren’t good for me,

self esteem.

yeah…i have come a long way.  but it seems so much more to go.

so many things to explore.

to figure out how NOT to go back to that place again.

I acknowledge YOUR pain….YOUR scars.

I see YOUR hurt.  I am with you.

I want to listen.  I want to understand.  I want to be that friend that doesn’t judge but just listens with my heart.

Your heart pain… my heart pain.  Together we can get through this.


Life and Everyday

Poem – Journey


this journey started years ago

i wasn’t ready when it started

i tried to escape it…i tried to run

but it kept coming back to me.

the hurt and pain of all the things done to me

the times i let them hurt me

did i deserve it?  did it really matter?

at that time, i didn’t really care….or did i?

i don’t remember a lot of things

is it because of denial?

is it because of procedures done to me too many times?

is it dissociation?

it is just because i can’t and don’t wanna go back?

probably all these things and a few more.

i’ve been doing ok for the past few years

i’ve had my ups and downs

i’ve chosen better things to cope with pain and loss

depression and anxiety

fear and lonliness.

still making mistakes and getting into situations that hurt me

but some how rising above

each day i take a new step forward

but i remember…..what happened long ago.

sometimes it haunts me….it taunts my thoughts about today.

just breathe and start again.

is that really possible?

i’m still lonely at times

i still make some unhealthy choices to cope with that lonliness i feel

to try to fill that hole in my heart

i get hurt again

but i keep moving on.

sadness came to visit today

i am not sure why.

things are really going pretty well for me

but sadness crept in like a morning fog.

is it really ok to not be ok?

not for me.  not at all.

changes.  the list goes on.

parts of me i really still hate.

things i can’t share with anyone…..yet……maybe ever.

shame and humiliation mock me still

there is more to tell, but i just can’t share.

i’m trying, really i am

you can see my smile

my effort to be better

to present myself as best i can be

i say the right things

sometimes i feel it too

but then nights like this…..doubt and rejection creep in

can i really go on?  i must.

i can’t let them down.

but i am stuck with me

inside me lurks secrets

i dare not to tell

sadness crept in like the morning fog…..



Life and Everyday

Heavy Soul, Heavy Heart

We are not a body with a soul…..we are a soul with a body. (Pastor Craig Groechel)

Do you have a heavy soul?  A heavy heart?  Carry burdens you need to let go?  Me too.

I have so many hurts from my past.  I actually thought that I had healed a majority of that “crap” awhile ago.  But lately it’s come back to bite me in the rear.  Many in the form of those toxic words and thoughts.  The “I can’ts”, “you are not good enough”, ” you will never be able to do that”, “no one will ever love you like that”.  You know what I am saying right?  It really makes my heart sad.  I keep wondering if unconsciously I pass this onto my daughter.  She said some things this weekend about being bad.  She wanted me to put some make up on her to make her look “evil”.  I was shocked.  Never heard her speak like that before.  It instantly made me sad.  Why would she want to look evil?  I asked her.  She said, “I don’t know”.  I wish I could get in her head and just know what she is thinking and why.  I hope it’s not because of me… past.  When she was little she was in the muck that I was going though.  Depression, anxiety, fear, etc.  She was so young at that time.  I wonder if I damaged her.  I don’t now.  I hope I didn’t.  I love K soooo much.  She is my little life line most days.  My heaviness is based on a past hurt.  Lots of past hurts.




Kisses….movie stars!!!





I have many hurts in the present as well.  Not having a job yet is “killing” me.  Well not literally.  But it’s so frustrating to get turn down letters, emails and calls.  I put out 4 more resumes today.  K not home with me yet is another hurt.  I know that is changing soon.  But it still hurts to say goodbye when I down in Iowa visiting.  My body hurts most days.  Lupus and fibro take its toll on me lately.  Physically I hurt all over.  I keep going and doing because I have to.  If I don’t, I will freeze up.  My body will stop.  And that scares me.  I am losing my hair still.  It’s longer but it’s so thin and fine.  Mom even noticed that this past weekend when I was home.  I am so tired, yet restless.  Doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.  I need to find a new place to live.  What goes along with that is the money issue.  To live in a decent place, I need to have to the money to pay for it.  Everything seems to go hand in hand.  I think my problem is that I want “more”.  I long to make life better for K and for me.  I feel like I am just barely getting by most days.  I am not lacking so much that I am considered poor.  I have much more than I could ever ask for.  But I feel like I could be and do more.

I have many anxieties about the future.  How am I going to get everything done?  How am I going to make it all work when K comes up here to live this summer?  Will I have a job by then?  A decent and safe place to live?  I feel this uneasiness.  But I know that I have made changes.  Necessary changes.  Why and What am I so scared of?


I have to remember God’s faithfulness in the past.  He has been there for me before.  He has brought me out of the pit of depression.  I haven’t been hospitalized for almost 3 years now (for mental health reasons).  That to me in amazing!!!  I still go to therapy weekly.  Because I need that.  I need help to remember that I can do this.  I don’t trust myself enough to remember that I am ok everyday….all day.  He helps me with new ideas in discipline for K as she grows.  Natural consequences, etc.

I need to cry out to God in the present.  They keep telling me God can hear me.  He can hear my cries for Him.  Sometimes my doubt sets in and I don’t think God is really there.  That is where FAITH comes in.  Faith gets me through those times.  I need to put my hope in Him.  What exactly is faith?  Belief in something that there is no proof.  What is hope?  To desire with expectation of obtainment,  to expect with confidence.  What is grace?   Unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification, a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace.   Something that is God-given, made possible only by Jesus Christ and none other. It is God’s gift of salvation granted to sinners for their salvation.  I need to be still and listen…….listen closely because I know God speaks in ways that aren’t usually standard.

I need to trust in God’s power for my future.  If given the fact that God has been in my past and He is with me today, God will definitely be in my future.  Be still and know He is near.