Joy, revisited

 

joy

Really? Really?  Really. Is that what joy is supposed to look like? Cuz my joy hasn’t looked anything like that all year long.  Not even one iota close. Maybe wish it had, maybe it would have felt like the earth moved and the world changed a bit for me, yes, for once, for ME! But nah,  it didn’t.

But what did my joy feel like this year?  Was it quiet? Was it rumbling? Was it at least happy? Let me show you a few pics of what my joy felt like…..

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nothing like mom and daughter bonding! 

 

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Getting ready to celebrate K’s 12th birthday!

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Our new dog, Cooper! 

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Messy hair and out to eat! 

These are the celebrations of joy we had. None were really jump out of our skin into the air moments, and I know it’s not all of our joyful moments of the year. It’s just few that K and I have had along the way. I can tell you that there were definitely more joyful moments in the latter part of 2015 than the beginning because big changes happened in the middle of the summer for both of us for the BETTER!!!! Let me tell you, that made a world of difference in the joyfulness of our lives. More on that when I’m on my laptop to type. But for now, more to think on.  What does joy feel like to you? Like that first pic? Or something in between?

~Julie

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Still Awake

depression comes and goes

 

It’s 5:30 am and I am still awake.  I can not sleep….yet again.  This not sleeping thing is driving me nuts.  K will be up in little bit…..we are supposed to be going to church at 10:30.  I wonder if I can catch a few  winks before we actually have to be there.

I had taken my usual meds.  I usually wait awhile to see if they will kick in and make me tired.  But tonight…I guess not.  Shortly after midnight, I was feeling a lot of pain my back…so took a pain med.  That should have made me tired too.  But I here I am still awake.  This sleeping thing is for the birds.

So, about a week ago I had a bilateral epidural done in my low back.  It hurt some when they did the procedure but it actually wasn’t that bad.  I have been feeling better or able to do more since then.  I wake up or try to get up and I have a lot of stiffness in my low back and thighs.  So I do my stretches and then get out of bed.  Once I get moving around, it’s better.  I have twinges of pain if I move wrong or step wrong.  But at least now I can bend down and tie my shoes without so much pain that it brings tears.

I am so sick of pain.  I know I live with this chronic pain and other invisible illnesses.  If I listed them all, you would think I was crazy…..well more crazy then you already think I am.  LOL  The worst right now is the chronic pain and the lupus flare that is going on.  It’s like my body is raging against me.

I will write more later on these invisible illnesses stuff.

In other news……I am taking K to camp today.  She need to be there between 3pm and 5pm.  I think we will leave around 2.  It take a little over an hour or so to get there.  It’s called Lake Wapogassett Bible Camp in Amery, WI.  I am really excited for her to go.  I always loved camp.  I so want her to meet new friends and have a place where people will love on her unconditionally.  She really needs that before the hectic weeks to come before school starts again.  I think I will be the one with tears when I leave her there.  She will be gone until Friday.  I go pick her up after lunch.  I think my mom might come with for the drive up to get her.  Don’t know for sure yet.

gods got this

Yup.  God’s got this too.  There is so much I need to remember when I am freaking out with health issues or having so much anxiety I can hardly breathe.  I keep saying lately that I wish my faith was stronger.  I do.  I haven’t found my place yet.  I haven’t found a home church yet.  We are planning to go to Our Saviour’s Lutheran today.  It’s one of the bigger Lutheran churches here.  I read that during church some of the kids that went to Camp Wapo are going to talk about their experiences there.  The church sent kids to camp a week ago, I guess.  If we had been going to this church on a more regular basis, I think K would have been able to go with the kids from church.  My goal is to start going weekly.  To try to become involved more and get K in Sunday school and doing stuff with the youth.  She will be in middle school this year and they do more stuff than when she was in elementary school.

Anyway, I need to keep writing….maybe it will help empty my mind so that sleep might come more easily.

The sun is rising.  The sky is pretty this morning.

I hope you all rested well.  ♥

lonely

feeling rather lonely tonight.  not sure what it’s all about.  nothing has changed around here.  things have been going along smoothly.  not sure.

i feel an emptiness.  maybe it’s the winter doldrums kicking in.  january gets to be so long.  and it’s dragging on and on.

i know i need to come here and write more.  maybe that would help with the doldrums?  i don’t really know.  K keeps playing on the kindle and it’s so quiet in here.  it’s like no one is home but me sometimes.  mine craft keeps her busy and way too quiet.  i like it when she is talking and engaged.  but she isn’t lately.  so maybe i should dig deep and write more.  not really sure what i’d write about though.  my head is empty most of the time.  lol  or so it seems.

my writing prompt for today is….

January 18
Free association
Write down the first words that comes to mind when we
say . . . home. . . soil. . . rain. Use those words in the title of
your post.

guess i am using it.  lonely.  when i think of home, soil and rain….it is sometimes lonely.  but i also think  flowers.  i like to plant flowers.  living in an apartment, i don’t get much chance to plant my favorite flowers….tulips.  they are short lived…in the spring.  i can’t wait til CDA gets me up higher on the list and i can rent a townhome.  i will plant flowers out front and tulips will be in the ground in the fall…all ready for spring.  i hope my name comes up in march or april.  i really need to move out of this place.

the manager came to my door today and told me i am supposed to be outside supervising my 10 year old daughter while she plays in the snow.  what?  a kid can’t go out and play in the large yard without me?  that is nuts.  she knows the rules and adheres to them.  but she came and gave me the what for this afternoon regarding K in the yard.  i would understand if she was 6 or 7…they need supervision because they don’t normally know the limits.  but i haven’t had any problems with K.  not in the last year or so being outside.  the manager even said something about her flower gardens.  THEY ARE COVERED IN 8 – 10 INCHES OF SNOW!!  what does that have to do with anything.  i could see if they were blooming and stuff, but snow covered?  come on.  give me a break.  even just a couple inches, i could see but as much as we have now?  that’s nuts.  one more reason to move.

that has been my day in a nut shell.  oh the joy.  maybe tomorrow will be better.

She’s my baby

Yes!  She’s my little, well, not so little anymore, girl.9093_10151461902031143_2104600580_n

Here is a picture of her with me:

She is a ham.  She is a star.  She is a dancer, a lover, a fighter, a friend, pain in my butt, the love in my heart, my alarm clock in the morning, my sunshine on a cloudy day.

I cherish her more than anything because I lost her for a period of time.  It was a very hard time in my life.  She was only 4 and a half.  Almost time to start kindergarten and I was on the verge of losing her to the “system”.  Lucky for me, my mom was there and decided to let her live with her for awhile.  Until I could get my crap together.  K went and lived with my mom….what seemed like forever.  It ended up being three years.  Three very long years.  I did have lots of contact with her.  Not enough but a lot.  I still lived nearly 2 hours away from her.  I called her daily but it definitely was not like having my baby home with me.

This caused some psychological difficulties for her as well as myself.  I was already going through depression and anxiety, which is why I almost lost her in the first place.  But the stress of her losing her mommy was definitely evident in her as well.  K has ADD.  They (the doctors) thought she had reactive attachment disorder but have since ruled it out.  She has separation anxiety.  Which makes more sense to me than anything.  I would too.

Anyway, back to why I cherish her so much.  It was that separation that causes me to cherish every moment with her.  When she came back to live with me, it was quite an adjustment.  we had to get used to living together again.  Although I loved her with all my heart, we butted heads like no tomorrow.  We were learning to live and love again.  Trial and error.  Lots of boundaries and lots of limit setting.  Lots of tears, on both our parts.  That first year was hell to say the least.  We made it.  And we both are still living.  🙂

Each moment after that we are growing closer and closer and trust each other more.  She trusts that I will be there for her no matter what.  I trust that she will do what she says she will do.  She hasn’t let me down yet.  I haven’t let her down that I know of either.  We keep our word to the best of our ability and when we don’t or can’t, we apologize.  We laugh, we have fun.  We cry together.  We do fun together.  We do church together.  We learn together.  All these things I cherish with her.  These are the memories I will cherish of her and with her.  I hope that she will also.

She is only 10 years old now.  She is growing up so fast.  She loves to dance and play mine craft.  What polar opposites can we get?  Today she plays on the kitchen floor with old toys of Zu Zu pets, knowing that in a few days it’s Christmas and new toys await.

I don’t want these days to end.  I know she keeps growing up.  I love each moment I spend with her.  I will never lose her to the reasons I lost her before.  I am doing well and feeling well.

Giving Thanks Day 11

commons.wikimedia.org

commons.wikimedia.org

Day 11 of giving thanks….I am thankful for a room full of elementary and middle school kids who love to sing and play orchestra.  They made beautiful music tonight.  They really sang and played their hearts out tonight.  They brought stories to life.  It was called Pajambouree!  They took a few stories and brought them to life through telling and singing the stories and also acting them out.  It was fantastic.  Some of the children that attended were dressed in their jammies and had their stuffed animals and the whole nine yards.  Oh what fun!  I am thankful for fun nights like this!!

pajambouree

my little morning rant

I have a little morning rant this morning.  Whom ever said that making a routine for a child with ADD is the “right” thing to do is absolutely NUTS!!    It does not work with every child.  I have been trying to get a routine down with K for the past year.  She and I can’t get a routine down for the love of Pete.  It gets close but it just never is there.  Something always throws it off.  Usually her stubbornness to get moving and doing stuff.  I have written it down on a white board and put it on the wall.  I have posted it on her door.  I have put it on the kitchen wall.  I have put it on the fridge.  I have put it in the bathroom.  Nothing works.  She just doesn’t care.  I don’t think it really matters what or how she gets ready for school.  Maybe because it matters to me, she just doesn’t care.  What would happen if I didn’t care so much.  Would she freak out?  Would reverse psychology work on a 10 year old?  I have talked to her counselor and haven’t gotten an answer out of her either.  She gave me a little check list an she has offered a little reward and that hasn’t worked either.  aarrggghhhh

If anyone who reads this has any ideas for a kid who doesn’t care about getting ready for school and/or something of the like, please share your ideas.  I am running out of them.  thanks much.

I hear her

As I close my fogged over eyes,

i hear her hear breathe.

like so many times before.

i hear the rustle of the blanket she holds close to her.

it’s soft and pink, the one she got for her last birthday.

i remember days long ago just listening to her breathe.  how that sound just make my heart melt.

the softness of each breath, in and out….

i wonder what she dreams about?  I still wonder what she dreams about?

Do she dream about about the angry things we said to each other the night before?

does she dream about or remember that i love her, every night that I tell her that I really do?

Does she remember the little stupid things I say in the heat of the moment of my despair and anger that slip past my tongue before I realize i have said them?

oh my heart hurts in anger for what i have done.

I believe that i have damaged her so much.

People have told me that I haven’t.  before she was sent to grandmas when she was 5…K and i was as close as a mom and kid could get.  i didn’t just disappear out of her world, i could come and see her whenever I wanted to.  whenever i   needed t.  And i i did.

It wasn’t the same.

but now, i listen.  in the early morning here.  i listen to her breathe.  she is 10 years old.  she struggles every day dealing with me.  a volatile mom.  a sad mom.  a kid herself trying to understand why her ADD and RAD makes her act and react the way she does.  I can’t bear the thought to losing her again.  ever.  I can’t bear the thought of being separated from her again.  it breaks my heart to think that.  I know I need help.  I know I need something.  I am afraid to ask because, I  don’t want them to take her from me.  i love her that much and more.

to the moon and back….around the sun and the moon and the stars….forever and ever…to infinity and beyond.  I love you Stinky Face.