As I close my fogged over eyes,
i hear her hear breathe.
like so many times before.
i hear the rustle of the blanket she holds close to her.
it’s soft and pink, the one she got for her last birthday.
i remember days long ago just listening to her breathe. how that sound just make my heart melt.
the softness of each breath, in and out….
i wonder what she dreams about? I still wonder what she dreams about?
Do she dream about about the angry things we said to each other the night before?
does she dream about or remember that i love her, every night that I tell her that I really do?
Does she remember the little stupid things I say in the heat of the moment of my despair and anger that slip past my tongue before I realize i have said them?
oh my heart hurts in anger for what i have done.
I believe that i have damaged her so much.
People have told me that I haven’t. before she was sent to grandmas when she was 5…K and i was as close as a mom and kid could get. i didn’t just disappear out of her world, i could come and see her whenever I wanted to. whenever i needed t. And i i did.
It wasn’t the same.
but now, i listen. in the early morning here. i listen to her breathe. she is 10 years old. she struggles every day dealing with me. a volatile mom. a sad mom. a kid herself trying to understand why her ADD and RAD makes her act and react the way she does. I can’t bear the thought to losing her again. ever. I can’t bear the thought of being separated from her again. it breaks my heart to think that. I know I need help. I know I need something. I am afraid to ask because, I don’t want them to take her from me. i love her that much and more.
to the moon and back….around the sun and the moon and the stars….forever and ever…to infinity and beyond. I love you Stinky Face.