Life and Everyday

Selfish being lonely?

I feel alone tonight.  Like really alone.  I know K is in her room sleeping.  I tried to go to bed and sleep but I can’t sleep.  But I feel alone.  I am being selfish for feeling this alone?  Is is selfish of me to want to NOT be alone?  Am I selfish to just think of myself and K and not stretch out beyond our little apartment?  The want to is there but I haven’t quite made it out.  What’s the saying…..the road to good intentions don’t get you anywhere?

Is it selfish of me to wonder why or if people read my blog?  Why they don’t comment or do they really care if or what I write about?  I know people used to read it more.  Am I that boring now?  Do I just complain more?  Do I need to change what I write about?  Why aren’t people reading?  What is it?  Lack of time on the reader’s part?  Bad writing on my part?  Am I just being selfish and petty and childish for wanting more?  It’s chucking into my loneliness of being here and wondering if anyone is out there reading or caring or not.

I guess I shouldn’t care.  I am getting stuff out of my head and out here.  But I seek that validation.  I am a freakin people pleaser.  always have been.  something i need to constantly work on.  something some of my friends keep harping on me about.  stop it!

I guess lately I feel more “needy”.  Maybe it’s just the time of year.  Maybe because my job ended and my foot surgery.  My lack of anything to do.  Not being able to work or find anything constructive to do other than go to appointments and such.  I love doing stuff with K, don’t get me wrong, but that is just a part of the day.  That’s the mom thing.  What about the other hours of the day?  What about all the quiet hours?  my “head” time?

I tend to give and give and give without complaint because I just love to do it. But why do I love to? Because it makes me feel special, valued, or loved.

Somehow I hang my value on what I can do for someone else. Somehow I dismiss my own needs so that I will feel appreciated for supporting someone else’s. Somehow my helpful nature is actually harmful to me.

So what do I do with all this now?  I guess I tend to my own needs and do what I need to do for myself.  No one can soothe myself but  me.  Life goes on…..

Life and Everyday

I hear her

As I close my fogged over eyes,

i hear her hear breathe.

like so many times before.

i hear the rustle of the blanket she holds close to her.

it’s soft and pink, the one she got for her last birthday.

i remember days long ago just listening to her breathe.  how that sound just make my heart melt.

the softness of each breath, in and out….

i wonder what she dreams about?  I still wonder what she dreams about?

Do she dream about about the angry things we said to each other the night before?

does she dream about or remember that i love her, every night that I tell her that I really do?

Does she remember the little stupid things I say in the heat of the moment of my despair and anger that slip past my tongue before I realize i have said them?

oh my heart hurts in anger for what i have done.

I believe that i have damaged her so much.

People have told me that I haven’t.  before she was sent to grandmas when she was 5…K and i was as close as a mom and kid could get.  i didn’t just disappear out of her world, i could come and see her whenever I wanted to.  whenever i   needed t.  And i i did.

It wasn’t the same.

but now, i listen.  in the early morning here.  i listen to her breathe.  she is 10 years old.  she struggles every day dealing with me.  a volatile mom.  a sad mom.  a kid herself trying to understand why her ADD and RAD makes her act and react the way she does.  I can’t bear the thought to losing her again.  ever.  I can’t bear the thought of being separated from her again.  it breaks my heart to think that.  I know I need help.  I know I need something.  I am afraid to ask because, I  don’t want them to take her from me.  i love her that much and more.

to the moon and back….around the sun and the moon and the stars….forever and ever…to infinity and beyond.  I love you Stinky Face.

Life and Everyday

Approval vs. Affirmation

Love is within us. But often the need for self-affirmation is greater.  Once we take this affirmation for granted from one source, that source is often no longer stimulating. Our self-image wants affirmation now from another source and another, and another, and another, and another. Love is there, but often, it is not the motivating factor. Unfortunately, the need for affirmation is the motivator of most of our feelings and actions.

As a kid I never felt fully loved. For many years I substituted approval for love. I much of my approval for the many good things I did and, yes, it felt good at the time, but it never satisfied or lasted. Why?

Approval is based on what we do. Affirmation is based on who we are. Approval is a good thing when given and received for the right reasons, but when substituted for love, it can become another addiction to avoid facing the pain of not feeling loved.

Many of us suffer from this affliction. We only feel good when we feel needed. But deep down what we really need is to feel loved and affirmed at the core of our being—for who we are and not for what we do. Most of all, we need to experience love and affirmation from God the heavenly Father. Only when we feel so affirmed, can we get off the merry-go-round of doing things to get approval.

And how do we experience God the Father’s love and affirmation at the core of our being? First, by believing that God loves us because his Word says so.  Second, by sharing my total self (including my dark side) with one or two safe and trusted friends who will love and accept me just as I am—warts and all. As they love and accept me in this way, little by little, I come to love and accept myself, and in so doing, I open myself to accepting God the Father’s love and acceptance through them.

I am still searching most days.  My BFF is so far away from me now (distance-wise).  I feel very alone where I live.  Sometimes I wonder where I stand with God as well.  In my heart, I know He is still with me, but my head plays games with me.  That distance between my head and my heart seems miles and miles apart.

Life and Everyday

busy but lonely


When I think about who I really have in my life, I get really sad. Sure, I have “friends” and a little bit of a social life, and I keep very busy. I still feel like if I really needed someone, I would be stranded. I still don’t have anyone in my everyday daily life to talk to. All of my so-called-friends have lives of their own with their families and jobs.  Even on reality shows about people who are so screwed up (intervention, true life, etc), they have families and close friends who are in their lives that care about them. Everyone I know has family to lean on, or real best friends. If I had an emergency, I don’t know who I would turn to. My mom lives nearly 2 hours away.  Some of my family couldn’t really give a hoot about what is going on with me and K.  

My new job is keeping me busy and meeting new people all the time.  But not sure I can trust folks yet.  You know how people talk and stuff at jobs and such….I like them, they are great people, but I just don’t know.

SO, if I am occupied, friendly, open, etc.. then why am I so lonely, why do I still feel like I have no one to count on, why am I still single?  Why is no one there for me?  Why do I let the loneliness get to me that I let people in my life just to use me and I don’t catch it until it’s too late?


I love my family, most of them love me, God loves me and teaches me new things every day. My life isn’t so bad. I’ve got people who at least accept my silly side, even if they don’t accept the serious me with problems. 
And yet every day I realize over and over again, as the sun goes down, that I’m remarkably lonely. It’s bad at night, but sometimes it’s also hard in the daytime. I might be out somewhere and suddenly I almost see myself third person and i’m alone. I really am, even though i’m with my family or friends or even at work.  The kids are great.  The other teachers are nice too…but the loneliness gets to me. 
I feel like there is someone i’m missing. I feel almost as if a part of my family that walked out of my life a long time ago, and everyone agreed to never mention them again act like they never existed. But I don’t think that happened. I just feel like it did. 
Being a single mom doesn’t help matters much.  Who wants to date a single mom?  Shrug.


Do I Make a Difference

By: Kathleen Harvard (View Profile)

I always believed 

I would do more I would do more with my life,

Be a better provider, A better listener, A better example.  
A better parent
Higher my education, higher my standards
Most of all, spend quality time with my family.  
At a table, under trees, near a river, at the museum.  
Leaving the past behind, keeping a positive
outlook for the future,
As the string to hold this all together
I would have Faith.  
Bonds that tie, unconditional love.  
Last night I realized, this may be unrealistic,
I have grown tired, feel misused,  
at times useless, and lonely, wondering if
I make any difference,
Today, I pray for new inspiration, a smile
is enough, I pray to hold onto the willingness
To be willing to keep trying  …