Life and Everyday

Selfish being lonely?

I feel alone tonight.  Like really alone.  I know K is in her room sleeping.  I tried to go to bed and sleep but I can’t sleep.  But I feel alone.  I am being selfish for feeling this alone?  Is is selfish of me to want to NOT be alone?  Am I selfish to just think of myself and K and not stretch out beyond our little apartment?  The want to is there but I haven’t quite made it out.  What’s the saying…..the road to good intentions don’t get you anywhere?

Is it selfish of me to wonder why or if people read my blog?  Why they don’t comment or do they really care if or what I write about?  I know people used to read it more.  Am I that boring now?  Do I just complain more?  Do I need to change what I write about?  Why aren’t people reading?  What is it?  Lack of time on the reader’s part?  Bad writing on my part?  Am I just being selfish and petty and childish for wanting more?  It’s chucking into my loneliness of being here and wondering if anyone is out there reading or caring or not.

I guess I shouldn’t care.  I am getting stuff out of my head and out here.  But I seek that validation.  I am a freakin people pleaser.  always have been.  something i need to constantly work on.  something some of my friends keep harping on me about.  stop it!

I guess lately I feel more “needy”.  Maybe it’s just the time of year.  Maybe because my job ended and my foot surgery.  My lack of anything to do.  Not being able to work or find anything constructive to do other than go to appointments and such.  I love doing stuff with K, don’t get me wrong, but that is just a part of the day.  That’s the mom thing.  What about the other hours of the day?  What about all the quiet hours?  my “head” time?

I tend to give and give and give without complaint because I just love to do it. But why do I love to? Because it makes me feel special, valued, or loved.

Somehow I hang my value on what I can do for someone else. Somehow I dismiss my own needs so that I will feel appreciated for supporting someone else’s. Somehow my helpful nature is actually harmful to me.

So what do I do with all this now?  I guess I tend to my own needs and do what I need to do for myself.  No one can soothe myself but  me.  Life goes on…..

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Life and Everyday

I think I understand now

Maybe…..

as i have been sitting here tonight after k has been in bed…
thinking about this time of year….
what has happened at this time of year….
i have been filling out papers for this new shrink….for k’s new in-home skills worker, asking about my past…asking about past hospitalizations, doctors, therps, medications, suicide attempts, et etc etc
in 2010, i had my last hospitalization….it was when i had my last miscarriage. Dr. Z wanted to make sure i wasn’t going to fall over the edge.   i was 14 weeks pregnant.   my meltdown……i get it now.
i don’t want to lose k again.  i am making myself crazy trying to NOT lose her that i feel like i will lose her.  i am angry at myself because of everything that has gone wrong.  everything that is wrong with me.  everything i want to fix.  and i can’t. i feel like i am failing at getting to where i want to be.  i can’t lose her again.  i won’t go through the pain of losing a child again.
does that make sense?
Life and Everyday

I just want the tears to stop

I just want to stop crying everyday.  I also want the anger to go away too.  One moment I am all tears, the next angry as a bull seeing red.  Why?  the only thing I can think that is triggering this (other than my daughters outbursts recently) is the old fricken tapes in my head.  They are back telling me how worthless and horrible a person I am.  How much of a failure I am.  blah blah blah.

It’s so hard when I have K freakin out because she wants something that she can’t have or do something that we can’t do because there is no money, etc.  She is angry at me because I get angry at her.  It’s like a never-ending circle.  I don’t know where or when it ends.  I get angry because she feels she is entitled to have all the things she asks for and then some.  I am supposed to go and do and whatever when she wants it.  But my wallet and bank account, my body and head just can’t do it.

I am in pain.  Not just this damn emotional pain but the physical pain.  I hate having this chronic pain disease or illness or whatever it is called.  I hate lupus.  I hate fibro.  I am sick of physical pain everyday when I get up.  I choose not to take the benzo’s because I hate how they make me feel.  So I choose to live with the pain.  My fault.

Emotionally I am drained.  On this roller coaster of anger and crying.  Throw in a huge handful of anxiety and I’m a hot mess.  I went to this new psychiatrist today.  Was a total waste of my time.  Basically she said that I should go back to my old doc because she doesn’t have time to treat “someone like me”.  Well, it’s that a lovely thing to say to a person who is on the verge of tears and anger???  So I walk out and call that damn clinic back and ask Susie to get me in with a psychiatrist with the soonist opening.  The soonist opening….3 1/2 weeks away.  But with a different doc than who I have been seeing.  It’s a lady.  I have never had a lady psychiatrist.  I hope she knows what she is doing.  I hope she doesn’t load me up on meds like the past doc.

Why am I so angry?  I don’t get it.  I mean I do, but I don’t.  They are just all so much little things that are stupid to be mad at.  Why get angry at the little things?  Am I just being petty?

  • pain
  • lack of money/no job
  • foot in boot still
  • can’t exercise yet
  • eating sucks
  • k talking back
  • laundry piling up
  • I’m alone
  • no support
  • physically can’t do things I need to get done…cleaning up the balcony flowers and stuff
  • cleaning the apartment, etc
  • getting groceries up the stairs
  • k’s insistence on clashing clothes to go to school
  • k’s constant yelling at me telling me that i am stupid and horrible mom
  • k throwing things at me when she is mad

I probably should be doing a gratitude list instead.  That would be the more Christian thing to do.  But I am tired of being or playing that everything is fine when I am outside….it’s a game out there.  I hate it.  I hate being home too.  I haven’t felt like hurting myself in years….and then yesterday and today…..BAM!!  I haven’t done any cutting or massive pill swallowing.  But my god, the thoughts are there. again.

Life and Everyday

Thinking about a revision of my VSG

I went to see a new bariatric doc here in the Cities last week or the week before.  Can’t remember if I wrote about it or not.  I asked him about having a revision done with my VSG.  He said he wasn’t sure that would be a good thing because I have lost a fair amount of weight that was in the range of what the VSG surgery was supposed to do.  But I am not where I want to be.  I don’t look like I want.  I don’t weigh what I want either.  I know that is a head thing for me, but something I want to do and be.  something I have always wanted.

So I have been reading up on some of this stuff.  I want to share what I have found.  Let me know what you think.

Of course there are risks with revision surgery.  As with any surgery, there are risks.

  • Revision weight loss surgery procedures generally take longer.
  • Open incisions are frequently but not always needed.
  • There is greater blood loss.
  • Leaks and infections occur more frequently. It is thought that leak rates increase due to changes in blood flow to the stomach caused by the original weight loss surgery.

Here are some of the reasons they give for a revision

  • A patient may not adapt well to the lifestyle required after a particular bariatric surgery.
  • Perhaps a specific bariatric surgery does not address the metabolic needs of a patient.
  • There are anatomical changes made to a patient’s body during bariatric surgery and these changes are not always maintained.
  • the pouch may stretch and become larger
  • the outlet of a gastric pouch may increase in diameter
  • a gastro-gastric fistula may form between the gastric pouch and the bypassed stomach
  • the intestine may increase its absorptive abilities beyond what was expected
  • restriction may decrease as a result of a band slippage

Unresolved Co-Morbities

Medical Complications

As a result of bariatric surgery, some patients do have medical complications that must be treated with revision bariatric surgery. In some cases, treating medical complications with revision bariatric surgery will be similar to the treatments previously discussed for mechanical and metabolic failure, but others may require reversal of the original bariatric surgery while weight loss is preserved. Possible medical conditions requiring revision include the following:

  • ulcer
  • stricture
  • severe dumping
  • malnutrition
  • over-malabsorption
  • metabolic bone disease
  • iron deficiency/anemia
  • vitamin deficiency
  • vitamin-D deficiency
  • thiamine (vitamin B-1) deficiency

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I had the VSG surgery done.  Aug 11, 2011.  My highest weigh ever has been 356 pounds.  My weight now is 243.  I know that is still heavy.  I know I have lost weight.  But I also know this is NOT where I want to be.  That may sound really selfish and vain.  But I want to look good and feel good for once in my life.  I want the whole package.  Is that too much to ask?  I am trying to get my brain in the game.  I went to the Emily Program today.  It’s a eating disorder clinic here.  I talked with a therapist there.  I know this is really odd considering what I am writing about today.  So I know my thinking is off.  I know that.  I know I need to work on my thoughts.  But that doesn’t change my want to at the moment.

So, anyways…I am going to keep reading and keep researching and keep talking to Dr. Kelly and the dietician and this new therapist and my other therapist.  Maybe some of you reading have some words of wisdom?  Let me know.

 

 

Life and Everyday

Post Op week 3

Ok…3 weeks out from foot surgery and it’s driving me nuts.  I now have a suture coming out of my scar from the inside.  WTH is with that?  Also itching like all heck and from welts that have appeared out of nowhere.  WTH??  So going back to the doctor tomorrow.

suture coming out 10.2.13

welts 10.3.13

isn’t it purdy??  oh the joy!!  i am just mad.  The doctor was/is a bit pissed at the doctors who first took care of me back in Iowa.

Anyways, besides going back to the foot doc, tomorrow I go see my psychiatrist.  Another rah.  NOT.  He’s an idiot!  He wants to always mess with my medications.  Being bipolar sucks.  (guess I am not in such a good mood tonight eh?)  I have been looking for a different doc.  But they are hard to come by because of insurance.  Either they are private and don’t take mine or if they do, they are hospital happy and the moment you feel like you are having the slight freak out, they want to throw my butt into the hospital.  Well I haven’t been hospitalized for nearly 5 years now.  And that is a long time for me!!  Anyways, I don’t want any different meds right now.  I’m doing alright…I think.  My emotions have been on a roller coaster, yes, but I think it’s due to the pain doc messing with the hormone meds.  Since he told me to stop taking them, I am not as bitchy and angry at K or anyone else and I am not crying all the other times.  Well, I still get teary at stuff, but the anger stuff is way less.

I have had stuff coming up with my eating issues again too.  Next week I will be talking with a lady from the Emily Program.  She will let me know what kinds of things I can get involved with there.  I hope there will be a support group I can attend….I need some people to talk with.  Maybe the IOP program…IDK…..

I’mma mess…..one hot mess…..blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Life and Everyday

#5 – Something to think about – suffering

TheSufferingOfTheInnocent600

 

Continuing on my journey of “epiphanies” I have been reading about.  Here is number 5.

5. Human beings have evolved to suffer, and we are better at suffering than anything else.

Yikes. It doesn’t sound like a very liberating discovery. I used to believe that if I was suffering it meant that there was something wrong with me — that I was doing life “wrong.” Suffering is completely human and completely normal, and there is a very good reason for its existence. Life’s persistent background hum of “this isn’t quite okay, I need to improve this,” coupled with occasional intense flashes of horror and adrenaline are what kept human beings alive for millions of years. This urge to change or escape the present moment drives nearly all of our behavior. It’s a simple and ruthless survival mechanism which works exceedingly well for keeping us alive, but it has a horrific side effect: human beings suffer greatly by their very nature. This, for me, redefined every one of life’s problems as some tendril of the human condition. As grim as it sounds, this insight is liberating because it means: 1) that suffering does not necessarily mean my life is going wrong, 2) that the ball is always in my court, so the degree to which I suffer is ultimately up to me, and 3) that all problems have the same cause and the same solution.

——————————————————-

So, hmmmmm.  Thoughts?  Well, yeah.  Suffering doesn’t mean that something is ultimately wrong with me or something is wrong with the situation that I am in.  It’s just a part of life.  It is what it is.  Right?  It certainly sucks at times, it’s just that.  sucks.   I have dealt with that before, I will deal with it again.

I think  of that now as I come upon another surgery.  I had my pre-op surgery appointment yesterday.  I began to freak out (the usual) about how I was going to get everything done BEFORE surgery so that things will run more smooth AFTER surgery.  Mind you this is the 4th surgery I have had on this foot.  I have made it through 3, so this should be a breeze, right?  Well, yes and no.  I live in a different city (bigger), my daughter is older and in more activities.  I have more appointments as does she.  That in itself had me wired yesterday.  Ok, breathe.  Thinking about it this morning……IT IS WHAT IT IS!!   I have done this before.

Putting it all into perspective….I will do what I can before surgery date (next Thursday) and then do what I can while laid up for the next how ever long it takes to get better.  K is older and I hope and pray that she will be more helpful.  We have talked and she is willing to be of more help.  I think that will boost her self-esteem knowing that she can do more and feel like she is more grown up.  (good and bad??)  So….with that said.  I have been creating my own suffering.  More like dwelling in it.  But getting it in perspective knowing that, this is also my solution.  I can and will get through this.  One step (pun intended) at a time.

Be well….

🙂

Life and Everyday

To Post or Not to Post

That is the question today. I have been struggling lately with what to write on here. I have multiple ideas already thought out. I know I will get them out eventually.  I have revealed quite a bit about my life in many posts, but I still have so much more to say. I know that is the reason I came here and I don’t feel wrong about telling you guys, but with my social anxiety I feel so nervous now. Anyone else feel this way after starting a personal blog? I know I am not alone. I have already read MANY beautiful, inspirational posts that touched my heart. I guess I should just trust that voice inside me and let my story out.

thankful for friends

Someone I work with told me that every day she wakes up in the morning, is a good day. After all I have been through, that really struck me. HARD. It made me stop and think. We do need to make each day count. If by sharing my story with the world helps even one person, I have accomplished a lot.

For a few years I have been flirting with the idea of writing about my journey. It might just be for me and a few friends or I might try to get it published so I can help others who have had some of the same struggles. I don’t have a lot of writing experience but am willing to take any help I can get.

So, I will continue to blog about myself, my trials and tribulations, my daughter, life and all the stuff that comes along with it. The highs and lows in a persons life make them who they are. I have slowly learned that over the years. I hope you will continue with me on my journey. I always welcome ALL comments.