Life and Everyday

I thought I was ok

Tonight I am struggling. I wrote earlier about being angry and trying loving-kindness with myself. Well I failed miserably. I didn’t want to go on about how badly I was doing. I don’t want to complain all the time, which is what I feel like I am doing.

I think nighttime is just hard. After getting K in bed, the apartment is pretty quiet . I had the beginnings of an anxiety attack coming on before she went to bed. I knew it was not going to be easy. But I reached out to a few friends on FB. I focused on my breathing. After a bit….it just was getting worse. My heart was pounding, my hands were shaky and starting to get sweaty. It was hard to type. So I took my nighttime meds. And I waited. And waited. I continued to talk to my FB friends. But the anxiety didn’t let up. I put the computer down and stepped out on the balcony. It’s 35° out there. I went out there to pray. I wasn’t sure why or what to say. I just said, ” God, help me!
I can’t do this alone.”

When I first began, there were tears in my heart. I’m not sure why or where they were coming from exactly. I looked at the sky for a moment. I saw a few stars which was odd considering it was overcast most of the day and snowing pellets on us. But I knew God was there.

I came back in a tad frozen. Still focused on my breathing. Got back on FB and checked back in with my friends. Then it hit me again. This time in the form of having to binge. I made this pumpkin cake dessert for my mom and Tiny when they brought K back home on Sunday. I cut a piece. I ate that. Guilt set in. I had VSG surgery two years ago, I am not supposed to be eating l like that. But then I ate until the whole line of cake I had cut was gone. I had eaten it all.

If you know anything about weight loss surgery you know our stomach can only hold about 3-4 oz of food this far out. I felt absolutely sick. And the guilt set in. If course, had taken my night meds, I was getting sleepy too. So I decided to go to bed. While laying here trying to get comfy, I grabbed the box of crackers, mindlessly, and ate some. About a half hour later I was feeling sick. I went to the bathroom and purged. And purged some more. I know this sounds so gross, but I have to write it out our the guilt will kill me.

About half way through this post I had to get up and do it again. I feel so much shame . And guilt. I hate who I am when I do this. I know God loves me and wants me to beat this. But I don’t know what I go from here.

I see Amanda tomorrow at the Emily Program…..I guess that is a place to start to get honest.

Life and Everyday

Talk about moods!

Talk about volatile moods….holy shit.  Rapid cycling or whatever.  I hate being bipolar sometimes.  I hate this.  I hate my illness.

I haven’t felt like this in awhile, which is very hard for me.  I actually had feelings of wanting out.  Wanting to cut.  Wanting to take more xanax than I need to tonight.  But I can’t.  I have to drive tomorrow.  I have to take K to Iowa for that stupid birthday party.

Some of what fed into my cycle was what she did tonight as well.  Another bout of her attitude and smart mouth and anger and pissy-ness.  She peeled the wallpaper again off the f’n wall in her bedroom.  We live in an apartment.  I can’t afford for her to keep doing this.  I don’t have the money to pay for the landlords to repaper her room.  I can’t even afford for anything the rest of this month.  I have $58 to my name for the rest of October…how the hell am I supposed to support my ass and hers and it’s only the 4th of October?

My fucked up foot.  I can’t work yet.  I can’t do anything.  I just want to ditch the crutches and whatever and go find a stupid ass job and get some money.  I hate this.  I can’t live on this little check I get a month.  Paying $700 a month for this little shit ass apartment.  It sucks.  I don’t even have money to pay for the rest of my medicine this month.  I just want to give up.

Life sucks.


Life and Everyday

Mornings with ADD

Ya don’t know what you are gonna get.  ‘Nuff said.  Uffda and OY!!

Today was tough….some days are pretty ok…most days are so hard.  “They” say have a routine, write it down where she can see it (done it, have it), wake her up at the same time every morning (doing that),  get her to bed at the same time, (we have a set bedtime, which we get to her bed by), eat decently (she’s a picky eater, so still working on this one), give natural consequences (doin that one too).  Ok.  If I am doing all these things, why o why I am still having horrible mornings with her?  I try to get her medicine in her at 6:30am every morning.  So that by the time she gets to school she is civil to the teachers and other students.  Which must be working because I haven’t heard from the teachers all week, which as been a big plus this week.

Thing is….at home….I catch the brunt of it.  I HATE it!!  I know I am the mom.  I am supposed to be able to handle this.  But to tell the truth, I have my shit to deal with too.  And to have her throw insults and cuss and be angry and stuff at me, is so very hard.   Consequences just make her more mad.  Timeouts to her room make her more pissy.  I mean, it’s not by all means, like this.  We do have some very good, almost awesome streaks too.  But when it’s bad…it’s horrible.  Today just happens to be one of her “I hate you” mornings.

So now what?  She made it before the bus…barely.  Mad at me because I wouldn’t let her take the umbrella.  Last time the umbrella went to school, it was a total disaster.   Caused much more trouble than what it was worth taking it with.  So I am trying to save trouble before giving it a chance to fester.  But then made it worse here.  Glad she didn’t slam the front door.  So she is off to school.

I did to google thing….how to deal with kids in the morning before medication is taken.  I get what I mentioned the first paragraph.  Do any of you readers have pre-teen kiddos that have ADD and difficult mornings?  I brought up with her psych doc about the possibility of her having depression/anger problems.  He said it is hard to say or diagnosis.  The reason I asked is because it runs int he family.  No only me…but other family members as well.  More of a wait and see.  I don’t want to drug her up.  I don’t want her to suffer either.  I have been thinking about trying a gluten free diet.  But I think that would kill me.  LOL  That would be a huge hard thing for me to give up and get into doing.  But I have heard such great results from this.

I need to do more research on this.  I need to figure out how to incorporate this into our lives.  Maybe see if it helps her and me.  Lessens her anxiety and anger and also my fatigue and pain and anxiety.  I don’t know.  I have a good friend that has to have a gluten free diet because of her allergy to it.  If even forced….I think it would be so hard.  Suggestions?

Deep breaths this morning.

Life and Everyday

so slacking….too emotional lately

Welp, kinda fuzzed out on my thankfuls after Thanksgiving.  It’s not that I am NOT thankful for everything I have and do and love etc.  Life is getting in the way right now.  Too much in the way!!

Welp, kinda fuzzed out on my thankfuls after Thanksgiving.  It’s not that I am NOT thankful for everything I have and do and love etc.  Life is getting in the way right now.  Too much in the way!!

I’ve had a couple of really horrific days for one reason and another, they have totally knocked me off kilter. I feel useless, exhausted and so caught up in this negative self-hating cycle that I can’t really do much at the moment.

The night before last was the worst. Some days I freakin hate my illness, my freakin stupid brain telling me things, lies and god awful thoughts. I’m currently locked in a self-hate loop, down thoughts and feelings making me feel sick and unable to sleep which leads to down thoughts and feelings.

I want to get rid of this cancerous illness, this part of me that hates me so much and makes me need to cause pain to myself. I want it out and I want it gone now!

If I think about it really hard, I don’t think there has ever been a time that I was truly lonely, yes I have been by myself – hating every minute – but I knew ultimately there was someone who I could turn to even in my darkest hour. I am not sure that anyone would truly be there but I knew someone out there could or would be if I chose to ask.   I choose to be by myself most of the time because I’d rather spend the day not talking than talking utter shit with someone I actually don’t want to spend time with.

My friendship base is tiny, I have two, possibly three friends – real friends with whom I can share my deepest darkest thoughts and as a sufferer of mental illness I get very dark thoughts.   I sometimes lack the capability to think about others people’s feelings at the moment, so sometimes my words are harsh, uncaring and patronizing.   Even if that isn’t what I mean.   Over the years I have tried my hardest to learn not to say what I am actually feeling, with a type of argument between me and my inner voice who is crying out to punch this or that person, say something mean or generally may cause mayhem and as you can probably appreciate this has led to trouble and so I try to stay out of it now, sticking with people who see what I say as sarcasm or fun and not taking it to heart.

I also wondered that when you have children is it in order for you not to be lonely again? Like a subconscious, cave-man type of thing that human nature must procreate in order to be a pack? It certainly wasn’t the main reason I had my child but looking back I was a 33-year-old girl, living in a small town with only a few friends whom I had met in a treatment facility (group home).  One happened to be the man who fathered my daughter.  I was desperate for someone to be with.  A companion, someone who needed me so I would have to be alone anymore.

I wonder now if I should have bought a dog.  I’m kidding, I’ve never regretted having my daughter and anyone who knows me knows I would die for her at any given opportunity but I do think there are people out in this strange world we live in that have children purely for selfish purposes, I won’t go into detail as you all probably know what I’m talking about, I certainly know of some and it saddens me that that is the only reason these little tea-cup humans are around. Children should be cherished, adored, loved, cuddled and listened to and sometimes my heart bleeds when I see little ones who obviously don’t have that from their parents.

But it’s me and K here in the little Minnesota town.  I love it here.  Love the town.  Love the river.  Love the school.  But I am lonely.  There is only so much you can talk to a 9 year old about.

As being recently diagnosed with ADHD, I am wondering how to help her best.  We are going to see Dr. Gary Johnson, at the C.A.L.M. Center (Clinic for Attention, Learning and Memory)

He is the best of the best as so I have heard.  He is up to date on everything ADHD.  I got the huge packet of papers to fill out for K’s session with him.  Man…talk about in depth and wanting to know everything.  I guess that is how I help K the best.  I need to let them know everything.  I just don’t know what to do.

Add this guilt on top of my crappy past few days.  It’s eating my heart.  I can’t help but feel the guilt.  If only……if only……yeah…that is what my brain is doing to me.  The self-hatred, self-loathing is getting really bad.  Yeah, it’s Christmastime.  This is one of the reasons I don’t like this time of year.  Inadequacies at its best.