Tonight I am struggling. I wrote earlier about being angry and trying loving-kindness with myself. Well I failed miserably. I didn’t want to go on about how badly I was doing. I don’t want to complain all the time, which is what I feel like I am doing.
I think nighttime is just hard. After getting K in bed, the apartment is pretty quiet . I had the beginnings of an anxiety attack coming on before she went to bed. I knew it was not going to be easy. But I reached out to a few friends on FB. I focused on my breathing. After a bit….it just was getting worse. My heart was pounding, my hands were shaky and starting to get sweaty. It was hard to type. So I took my nighttime meds. And I waited. And waited. I continued to talk to my FB friends. But the anxiety didn’t let up. I put the computer down and stepped out on the balcony. It’s 35° out there. I went out there to pray. I wasn’t sure why or what to say. I just said, ” God, help me!
I can’t do this alone.”
When I first began, there were tears in my heart. I’m not sure why or where they were coming from exactly. I looked at the sky for a moment. I saw a few stars which was odd considering it was overcast most of the day and snowing pellets on us. But I knew God was there.
I came back in a tad frozen. Still focused on my breathing. Got back on FB and checked back in with my friends. Then it hit me again. This time in the form of having to binge. I made this pumpkin cake dessert for my mom and Tiny when they brought K back home on Sunday. I cut a piece. I ate that. Guilt set in. I had VSG surgery two years ago, I am not supposed to be eating l like that. But then I ate until the whole line of cake I had cut was gone. I had eaten it all.
If you know anything about weight loss surgery you know our stomach can only hold about 3-4 oz of food this far out. I felt absolutely sick. And the guilt set in. If course, had taken my night meds, I was getting sleepy too. So I decided to go to bed. While laying here trying to get comfy, I grabbed the box of crackers, mindlessly, and ate some. About a half hour later I was feeling sick. I went to the bathroom and purged. And purged some more. I know this sounds so gross, but I have to write it out our the guilt will kill me.
About half way through this post I had to get up and do it again. I feel so much shame . And guilt. I hate who I am when I do this. I know God loves me and wants me to beat this. But I don’t know what I go from here.
I see Amanda tomorrow at the Emily Program…..I guess that is a place to start to get honest.