Life and Everyday

I think I understand now


as i have been sitting here tonight after k has been in bed…
thinking about this time of year….
what has happened at this time of year….
i have been filling out papers for this new shrink….for k’s new in-home skills worker, asking about my past…asking about past hospitalizations, doctors, therps, medications, suicide attempts, et etc etc
in 2010, i had my last hospitalization….it was when i had my last miscarriage. Dr. Z wanted to make sure i wasn’t going to fall over the edge.   i was 14 weeks pregnant.   my meltdown……i get it now.
i don’t want to lose k again.  i am making myself crazy trying to NOT lose her that i feel like i will lose her.  i am angry at myself because of everything that has gone wrong.  everything that is wrong with me.  everything i want to fix.  and i can’t. i feel like i am failing at getting to where i want to be.  i can’t lose her again.  i won’t go through the pain of losing a child again.
does that make sense?
Life and Everyday

one year ago today

Another sleepless night for me.  It’s well after 3am…almost 4 actually.  I have been tearful most of the day.  I have been wracking my brain to figure out the sadness.  Then it really dawned on me.  One year ago today, I miscarried.  I lost a baby that was between 6-8 weeks along.  I know that isn’t very far along in a pregnancy, but it was a baby never the less.

Early in the morning, a year ago, Dr. Ortiz performed a D&C on me.  I remember being scared.  I had a nurse there with me.  But it wasn’t the baby’s father nor was it my mom.  I didn’t expect ‘him” to be there since he was angry and all that with me, but I was hoping my mom could come.  I felt so alone.  A baby.  gone.  Why God?  Why did you take this little one from me?

I remember waking up with some intense cramping pain.  They took me back up to my room.  I stayed there most of the crying and sleeping.  Imagining what could have been.  What should have been.

I know God does things in His time.  Guess I wasn’t ready for baby #2.

Today, I am stronger.  I am stable.  I am all in for God.  I trust He will let me know the time.  IF there will be a time.  I often say, I do want another baby.  I am too old for a new baby right?  I don’t know.  But I do know it takes the other half the equation to have one.  And I have yet to find that.

Somewhere.  Sometime.

♥ Baby Olson 7/2010 ♥