Rainy days and Thursdays

Man…..it’s been raining most of the day.  My joints ache so bad this evening.  I did take some pain meds, I hate doing that.  But Dr. Kristin would be proud of me since I don’t even take them as prescribed.  LOL

I have been doing a lot of thinking today.  About being a mom.  What it takes to be a mom.  What is the difference between a good mom and a bad mom.  It’s all relative, right?   I have been reading (on and off) writings from this woman, Rachel Macy Stafford.  Her website Hands Free Mama, is full of her life as a mom, the good and the bad….tears and celebrations.  Some have me in such tears that I can’t even read….I have to stop for a bit just to pull it together again.

Today I happened to be reading, Making your Loudest Voice Calmer & Your Truest Voice Stronger.  Before I had even thought about reading today, I had been thinking about last night’s meltdown.  I had yelled at K.  I don’t usually yell at her.  But I did, it even caught me off guard.  It dawned on me today that I had scared her.  That hurt my heart terribly and the tears rolled.  Back to the blog by Rachel.  When I read these words:

At my loudest, I was heard the least.

At my loudest, I felt the most pain.

At my loudest, I caused the most hurt.

At my loudest, my voice was most voiceless.

I felt like she had gone into my heart and mind and grabbed the words right out of me.  My voice has not been there for quite some time.  Before I asked Robert to leave, he told me I talk too much, I feel too much, I share too much.  So, began my time of sinking into myself and watcing and limiting what I say and to whom I spoke to. I began to get angry at him.  At myself for having feelings or emotions at all.  So when I yelled last night at K, I was stunned at myself.  K was scared of me.  She curled herself into the corner of her bed and just looked at me crying and shaking.

I don’t want to cry anymore.  I cry too much.  Lately I cry all the time.  K sees me cry.  She tells me to stop crying.  The other day, she said I don’t even try anymore.  I went to my bedroom and yup, I cried.  I lay in bed and cry until I finally fall asleep.   I called my psych doc today, talked to his nurse and told her I think I need to get off some of my meds.  All they do is make me tired.  All I want to do is sleep.  And as Robert says….I talk too much.  I went on and on.  My anxiety is so high right now.  Between K’s behavior and language and school stuff, the rummage sale next week (that I am not ready for), getting ready to move by June 1, and still not knowing where I am going to live…..I can’t breathe.  I feel like I am drowning.  I know I am trying my best but I just can’t breathe.  There is a huge pile of stuff in my living room where some stuff is marked and boxed and ready to go to my garage.  My bedroom is a disaster….I have yet to go through some stuff.  K’s room is like a tornado went through it.  Everywhere I look…..I can’t breathe…..I need out.  I want to get out and just drive away….get as far away as I can.

war in my mind

 

 

 

 

That is what it feels like these days.  War, battle, conflict, struggle…..fear.  I don’t know what is next.  I know tomorrow, somedays.  But anxiety, fear.

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Choose to be Happy

Today I will be getting whatever I can over to my new apartment.  Everything from the storage unit is moved.  I just need to get my clothes and other personal items over.  I will miss Robin but it’s time to get my life going with K coming up this weekend.  I want to make sure her bed is made and ready.  I need to get my bathroom and kitchen somewhat in order too.  Bad thing is that my furniture isn’t all where I want or need it to be.  So will see how it goes and if I can do it myself or need some muscle behind it.  My chiro will be in business for awhile  LOL

Yesterday instead of coming back to pack up stuff, I went to the Y and to swim out my frustrations with some people who are trying to put some roadblocks in my way of growing.  I have prayed and thought about stuff.  I have decided to NOT give them anymore “free rent” in my head and heart.  If they can’t see or don’t wanna see the changes I have made….it’s their problem not mine.  I choose to stick by my friends here and other places because they know me now. The real me. Even if they know parts of my past, they accept me where I am now. I choose to keep living and loving the way I have been for the past few years. God has been so good me…K is coming home. I have a new place to live. I have super friends. I have a great mom. I am blessed.
Amen. ♥

I have some of the most wonderful friends in the world.  They are honest with me and kick my butt when it needs to be kicked.  I may get upset, but then, realize I probably needed it at that time.  We all do that from time to time.

I chose to be and remain well.  I chose to be happy and content with all that I am and what I am doing.

I want to share a couple songs that helped me through yesterday.

Tenth Ave North – Losing

 

Big Daddy Weave – “Redeemed”

 

 

 

Lost in a sea of stuff to do!!

Oh my goodness….talk about overwhelm lately.  So much going on…no time to post when I want to or need to.   LOL

Memorial weekend was fabulous.  Left Thursday morning and headed to southern MN.  Had a doc appt at Mayo Clinic for my knee….then went to pick up K.  We headed to Hickory Hills campground.  It was fun.  Friday, mom and T joined us.  The weather was a bit soggy a couple days there, but overall…was  an excellent long weekend.  Even if I had to spend time writing for my research class  LOL  Got up to 92*F on Sunday.  The pool was freezing but K loved it.  She got a sunburn of course.  And now has another sore throat.  Mom is going to see about getting her into the ENT doc to get those darn tonsils out.  That should be a fun time.  🙂

Weight loss is soooo slow going now or still, rather.  I haven’t lost but I haven’t gained either.  It sure is frustrating.  I have a ways to go until I get to my goal.  I have not been able to get to the YMCA to swim for about a week.  Just too many things going on.  I will be moving to my new place next weekend.  Tried to get it worked out for this weekend, but just too many people have graduations and such.  So no help on my end.  Next weekend will be ok tho.  K will be coming up after the fair.  She is taking some projects to be judged.  She actually isn’t old enough to be in 4H but Clover Kids get to take something they made.  So it’s fun for her.  Then she will be coming up on the weekend before the 18th of June.  She doesn’t know it yet, but she will be coming home with me for good now.  All the paperwork isn’t done yet, but we are working on that too.  I am so excited and nervous.  But more excited than anything.

Been talking to Adam about that today.  He keeps telling me that I am resilient.  I suppose that is a good word for it.  I keep getting knocked down or whatever, but I keep getting up and going forward.  I keep on trying to be and do better.  I have to….sick of being sick and sick of life seeming to just happen to me.  I want to DO my life.  I want to have fun and be adventuresome.  I need my life to be more than just existing.

I have to head to class soon.  Research methods class awaits me.  I will write more when I get home tonight after church.

I have lots more to say. ♥

Happy Birthday!!

Today is my 42nd birthday.  I sure don’t feel it.  It’s been a rather relaxing day.  Haven’t done a whole lot of anything.  Got homework done, picked up some things downtown, went swimming at the Y, napped a bit, class, and now home.  Not really celebrating at all.  Bummer.  K did call and sing happy birthday to me tho.  That was great!!  Talked to my mom too.  She found a couch for me for the new place.

Don’t know if I wrote about that….I am moving to my own place again.  In a river town on the Mississippi.  Just about 15 minutes south of where I am now.  It’s a really pretty city.  I need to scope out the schools and stuff like that.  I will keep all the docs and such that I have here except maybe a family doc or GP.  I love my friends, but when it comes to moving…they sure aren’t much help  LOL.  Isn’t there a saying about moving…that is when you find out who your true friends are?  LOL

Not much else on my plate…I got enough.

Have a wonderful Tuesday night!!

Snow is coming?

Been in Minnesota for a few weeks now and it’s been rather warm for a winter here.  Today was actually in the 50’s.  Totally weird for January here.  But…..I hear it’s coming tomorrow afternoon.  Rah.  I have a doctor appointment for my knee tomorrow.  I hope I get home before it all starts tomorrow afternoon.    I am ready for some snow tho.  Robin is in Iowa for a few days.  I hope that she doesn’t get snowed in down there, unless of course she wants to.  LOL

Worked on finding a counselor today.  No luck as far as insurance is concerned.  My insurance doesn’t start up until Feb 1.  So….I don’t know what I will find right now.  Might have to wait another few weeks.  Been also trying to get in with weight loss clinic up here so they can help me keep tabs on how my surgery and weight loss is going.  I hit weight loss of 75 pounds this past week.  SOOOO HAPPY!!  woohoo.  Can’t believe I have lost 75 pounds already.  Still working on more.  Wish I could be more active.  Stupid knee.  But tomorrow I see a different specialist and hopefully he will have more words of wisdom for me.  I need to get this figured out.

I want to really concentrate on my eating.  What I am eating. etc.  But I haven’t really given much thought to any of it since getting here.  I think I will work on making a menu type deal and see what I can come up with.  I need to do some reading and stuff too.  So much to get organized and into place.  Maybe organization needs to be in my list of to-do’s ??  lol

Still don’t know what to think about dating and stuff.  I want to just be and hang out with someone.  J is gone all the time with driving and stuff.  I know it’s his job, but he just doesn’t have time.  So, I don’t know.  There is another guy I am interested in, but haven’t heard from him since last week.  So I don’t know.  Guess I will have to be patient and let things happen how they may.  The person I am really interested in and stuff is unavailable.  I so totally bummed about that.  But life goes on.  God has something planned…..pretty sure about that.

January 3, 2012….It’s a new year!!

Ok…so I am a little late in saying Happy New Year!!

It’s the 3rd and I am all up in my new place.  It’s going ok.  Still unpacking stuff and trying to organize my room.  Robin took me for a little drive and showed me around town some.  There are some major roads and stuff that I am trying to remember.  I know I will get lost.  But, I will figure it out….

Been trying to switch phone companies yesterday and today.  Equifax needs me to update my phone number from when I had a fraud report done (6 years ago).  Guess the hold on my credit is still there.  Sucks when you have identity theft and it stays there for 7 years or so.  ugh.  oh well.  I need to make a copy of my SS card and then fax that and this paper from the website to their department.  so, oh the joys of moving and getting situated.

 

It’s New Year’s Eve!!

It’s New Year’s Eve…..what’cha gonna do tonight?  K and Robin and I are just gonna hang at home.  I am making a new casserole thing for supper.  It’s called quesadilla casserole.  It looks pretty easy and doesn’t take a real long time to bake either.

K has been playing the Wii pretty much non-stop since getting here yesterday.  She is hooked. LOL  but it keeps her busy and keeps her from saying she is bored.  She is gonna lay down in just a little bit cuz she thinks she can stay up until the ball drops tonight.  little does she know it will be at 11pm here when we watch on tv.  LOL  Still will be fun.

I made it to the grocery store and back today.  My first adventure in Woodbury.  I am so not used to the Cities and driving her yet.  But I will be.  It’s gonna take a bit of time.  Good thing Robin gives good directions.  I just gotta write it all down to where I want and need to be.  First things first, right?

Tuesday she and I will be going to the Washington County DHS or whatever it’s called up here.  gotta get a few things switched over regarding medical and stuff.  I need to get my knee looked at soon.  I am not sure when that will be.  I have to find a doc too.  Then I have to find a hematology doc to get my blood checked as well.  Need my B12 shot the second week of January.  Oh the joys of moving to a completely different place and getting all new docs and things arranged.  OH well, could be worse I spose.  LOL

I don’t mind being in a new place.  It’s like a new adventure.  I am in such a different place emotionally and physically that this time the move isn’t all about mental health.  It’s not running away from anything or stuff like that.  It’s just because I am done at UNI and it’s time to start again.  I don’t feel mentally unhealthy.  or rather unstable as I had so many times before.  It’s nice to not be depressed and all freaked out.  I think it’s all gonna work out well here.  Yes, take some getting used to, but I think I will love it!!

I am not usually into resolutions for the new year.  But since having surgery, I do need to work on my eating.  I need to make some healthier choices.  I need to get out and walk more.  And now I have a walking buddy.  Exciting!!  I want to get a bike later on…maybe early spring.  I see Robin has a bike in her garage…so biking might be fun too.  I think lots of exciting changes will be happening.  I hope to lose more weight in 2012.  71.1 pounds gone so far…..exciting!!