This is how it’s been going (a repost)

Oh my!!  I read this blog this morning, I just had to repost it for y’all to read.  It really opened my eyes to why I have been so angry….or the huge possibility of what could be the root of my anger…. you can find it here: Pages from my Yelling Journal by Susan Baker (it’s actually from her blog This Happy Mom).
I was going to copy and paste here too, but it won’t let me….so please go and read.  Thanks.

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I just want the tears to stop

I just want to stop crying everyday.  I also want the anger to go away too.  One moment I am all tears, the next angry as a bull seeing red.  Why?  the only thing I can think that is triggering this (other than my daughters outbursts recently) is the old fricken tapes in my head.  They are back telling me how worthless and horrible a person I am.  How much of a failure I am.  blah blah blah.

It’s so hard when I have K freakin out because she wants something that she can’t have or do something that we can’t do because there is no money, etc.  She is angry at me because I get angry at her.  It’s like a never-ending circle.  I don’t know where or when it ends.  I get angry because she feels she is entitled to have all the things she asks for and then some.  I am supposed to go and do and whatever when she wants it.  But my wallet and bank account, my body and head just can’t do it.

I am in pain.  Not just this damn emotional pain but the physical pain.  I hate having this chronic pain disease or illness or whatever it is called.  I hate lupus.  I hate fibro.  I am sick of physical pain everyday when I get up.  I choose not to take the benzo’s because I hate how they make me feel.  So I choose to live with the pain.  My fault.

Emotionally I am drained.  On this roller coaster of anger and crying.  Throw in a huge handful of anxiety and I’m a hot mess.  I went to this new psychiatrist today.  Was a total waste of my time.  Basically she said that I should go back to my old doc because she doesn’t have time to treat “someone like me”.  Well, it’s that a lovely thing to say to a person who is on the verge of tears and anger???  So I walk out and call that damn clinic back and ask Susie to get me in with a psychiatrist with the soonist opening.  The soonist opening….3 1/2 weeks away.  But with a different doc than who I have been seeing.  It’s a lady.  I have never had a lady psychiatrist.  I hope she knows what she is doing.  I hope she doesn’t load me up on meds like the past doc.

Why am I so angry?  I don’t get it.  I mean I do, but I don’t.  They are just all so much little things that are stupid to be mad at.  Why get angry at the little things?  Am I just being petty?

  • pain
  • lack of money/no job
  • foot in boot still
  • can’t exercise yet
  • eating sucks
  • k talking back
  • laundry piling up
  • I’m alone
  • no support
  • physically can’t do things I need to get done…cleaning up the balcony flowers and stuff
  • cleaning the apartment, etc
  • getting groceries up the stairs
  • k’s insistence on clashing clothes to go to school
  • k’s constant yelling at me telling me that i am stupid and horrible mom
  • k throwing things at me when she is mad

I probably should be doing a gratitude list instead.  That would be the more Christian thing to do.  But I am tired of being or playing that everything is fine when I am outside….it’s a game out there.  I hate it.  I hate being home too.  I haven’t felt like hurting myself in years….and then yesterday and today…..BAM!!  I haven’t done any cutting or massive pill swallowing.  But my god, the thoughts are there. again.

Happy Mother’s Day! ♥

Funny Mother's Day Ecard: Hey Mama, You're makin' exhausted desperation look goooood.Happy Mother’s Day to all mom’s and grandmom’s out there….oh and mom’s to be too.  All aunties and and sisters and all the ladies….

I want to say, by all accounts, my daughter is kind and thoughtful.  She really does love to help people and has a huge heart.  I know she has a heart of gold.  I want to point out all these great things because even though she drives me absolutely NUTS somedays, she is my light and life.  After not being able to have her in my life for 2 and half years, not being able to see her everyday and hold her, I am glad she is finally home.  I love her hugs, her smiles, her dance, her song, her laughs.  She is growing up…..uffda.  Pre-teen is so very hard on this mama…..again..uffda.

Since being diagnosed with ADD and RAD, we have made some radical changes in our life.  Hers and mine.  The medicine she is taking has made a HUGE difference.  She is able to concentrate better.  Her school work is so much more easy for her.  She can focus and wow…..

Now to deal with the attachment stuff.  This is a huge adjustment for me.  I am learning how to parent in a different way.  It is so hard as I wasn’t raised in the way that parenting a child with reactive attachment needs to be parented.  I think the way my parents parented me and my siblings was TOUGH LOVE AND THE HAND!  And I am still pretty ok…. I think?

That’s just parenting. That’s the gig. It’s some kind of insane, child-rearing blood sport. Lord help us.

Back to Mother’s Day.  I think that it can be kind of stupid and obligatory, only because we’ve framed it wrong.  Mother’s day isn’t about claiming that mothers are better than other people or somehow more valuable.  We’re not.  There are zero requirements to becoming a mother and stupid people become mothers all the time.

I don’t think you somehow become more of a person when you become a mother. Your value is there from day one. You’re valuable just because, and there’s no amount of marrying or procreation or anything else makes you more legitimate as a person. So we can stop mother worship as a holiday.

But I kinda NEED Mother’s Day, OK?

I don’t need pink cards, or flowers, or certainly one of those swoopy necklaces or whatever. It’s not about that to me. You know what it’s about? Survival. I need a day when people that are important to me say, “Hey, I see you over there, and I know you’re just barely making it. Good job and I’m sorry and here’s a glass of wine or a margarita.”

It should be called “Motherhood Survival Day,” where all mothers are acknowledged not for doing it all right, or being magically worth treasuring, but just for making it through another year. Just for making it through an unending torrent of questions and comments about your daily activities, objections to whatever plans you’ve laid, several-times-daily accidental injuries to your person or property, unbridled emotions and—yes—the occasional southpaw smack to the face.

I come into and out of too many days feeling battered and bruised, not knowing if I can stitch together enough scraps of my remaining sanity to hold myself together. And I’m guessing a lot of mothers feel that way, too.

MothersDay

 

Weekend Letters

ok….I am pretty lame at getting Friday letters out on Friday so gonna do Weekend letters…here we go

Dear K – rough week huh?  I am sorry your week has been rough and emotional.  I wish and pray that you would trust me enough to talk to me about how your 9 year old feelings are and let your mom help you.  I love you more than you know.

Dear Mom – you are amazing and strong.  I admire that you are there for so many.  A true blessing to me and so many others.

Dear auntie – I pray for you all day.  I am glad the docs got all your cancer this time.  Recover fast so that you can get home again soon.  I hope your lung heals and you are able to get back to doing all that you need and want to do.  I love you.

Dear JFK elementary – I enjoy working with the kiddos.  Please let up on demands so much before the end of the year.  you don’t pay me…the state of MN does.  I am there for the kids….not you.  Please respect me and Krysta.

Dear Kare – thanks for always being there and listening when I need it most.  10 hours away is just too much.  I hate that distance keeps us apart.  but oh so thankful for the internet.

Dear Scott – I am so happy about getting to know you more.  Making some plans for the summer.  I hope you will trust that I won’t be like “all the others” as you put it.  I am me and that’s what I am.  I care so much.

To everyone reading – I hope your weekend has been great.  Spring has finally hit Minnesota.  Temps in the near 70’s here.  Totally beautiful.  The sun, the birds, the warmth.  I am ready to go for walks and just sit on my balcony in the mornings and do my writing and reading.  ahhhhhh….living the dream……lol

no words

I feel like writing about what is going on in  my head but i can’t seem to string the word together tonight.

Everything in my body hurts.  After my fall yesterday, everything aches.

K has been exceptionally good today.  I think she knows I am in pain.  I hope she will be good and get herself ready for school in a reasonable amount of time tomorrow.

Snow and ice….I get to go out early and try not to fall on my arse and scrape and deice my car before heading to work/school.

Fear.  Can not afford another fall.  Not now.

single1

don't give up on em

 

pretty much how it is right now…

so alone.  single parenting sucks.

i fell tonight.  scared the crap out of my daughter…scared myself.  i think i hurt something in my hip and or low back/spine.  can’t go in because again…single mom.  and the weather is getting back.   will live with the pain until i have time to finally deal with it.

finally am getting time to get my broken tooth taken care of too.  a lovely valentines present for me….8:30 am…gotta love that for a valentines present.  they gotta figure out what to do with my tooth and my partial.

I feel so out of sorts.  My brain is like scrambled eggs.  I can’t think very good.  I can’t remember very much. or very good.  I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me.  I just don’t know.

Been away awhile

So, been away awhile….sick kid.  Yeah….like going on 11 days now.  Been to the doctor twice, went last Wednesday, official diagnosis is “the crud”.  Glad it’s not that flu that has it’s grip on Minnesota.  Minnesota has this huge swarm of flu that has hit so many people.  There was this 14 year girl from a suburb two over from us that passed away from the flu.  K is just stuffed up, yet a huge snot machine.  Has a cough.  Has had a fever for days.  But yesterday and so far today…she is back to herself.  Onrey and lippy and talkin back…..the usual.

So, now me…..snot nose too.  My ears feel full.  I can’t get sick now.  I NEED to go to work.  I have missed a week already.  Can’t afford another few days.  We are getting new batch of kids entering MRC.  More tutoring….more time with kids.  I can’t wait.  I want to be able to help new kids and be their 20 mins of encouragement and fun and learning.

Most days I can say I handle being a mom pretty well or pretty ok…but while K has been sick…I SUCK.  Normally I don’t yell much.  But lost my cool.  A few too many times.  I hit the counter so hard that I bruised the side of my hand.  I didn’t hurt her at all but I yelled.  I know I hurt her feelings.  I know I did.  I apologized.  and apologized.  I feel like shit.  But I think it’s all better.  She has forgot.  But I  haven’t.  I probably never will.  I hate it.  I hate that about me.  I know I say stupid things when I am mad or tired.  Especially tired.  And also getting ready to get my period.  sometimes timing sucks too.

Enough about that.  snow is coming!!  I am so excited.  but it’s cold…..breezy.  My balcony is letting in cool air.  I locked the door in hopes that would help.  but it’s not.  you can see the blinds waving a bit.  dang it.  But am so waiting for more snow.  I love it when I can watch it fall….so beautiful.

well….off to blow my nose and try to get rid of the sinus headache…….