Life and Everyday

Rainy days and Thursdays

Man…’s been raining most of the day.  My joints ache so bad this evening.  I did take some pain meds, I hate doing that.  But Dr. Kristin would be proud of me since I don’t even take them as prescribed.  LOL

I have been doing a lot of thinking today.  About being a mom.  What it takes to be a mom.  What is the difference between a good mom and a bad mom.  It’s all relative, right?   I have been reading (on and off) writings from this woman, Rachel Macy Stafford.  Her website Hands Free Mama, is full of her life as a mom, the good and the bad….tears and celebrations.  Some have me in such tears that I can’t even read….I have to stop for a bit just to pull it together again.

Today I happened to be reading, Making your Loudest Voice Calmer & Your Truest Voice Stronger.  Before I had even thought about reading today, I had been thinking about last night’s meltdown.  I had yelled at K.  I don’t usually yell at her.  But I did, it even caught me off guard.  It dawned on me today that I had scared her.  That hurt my heart terribly and the tears rolled.  Back to the blog by Rachel.  When I read these words:

At my loudest, I was heard the least.

At my loudest, I felt the most pain.

At my loudest, I caused the most hurt.

At my loudest, my voice was most voiceless.

I felt like she had gone into my heart and mind and grabbed the words right out of me.  My voice has not been there for quite some time.  Before I asked Robert to leave, he told me I talk too much, I feel too much, I share too much.  So, began my time of sinking into myself and watcing and limiting what I say and to whom I spoke to. I began to get angry at him.  At myself for having feelings or emotions at all.  So when I yelled last night at K, I was stunned at myself.  K was scared of me.  She curled herself into the corner of her bed and just looked at me crying and shaking.

I don’t want to cry anymore.  I cry too much.  Lately I cry all the time.  K sees me cry.  She tells me to stop crying.  The other day, she said I don’t even try anymore.  I went to my bedroom and yup, I cried.  I lay in bed and cry until I finally fall asleep.   I called my psych doc today, talked to his nurse and told her I think I need to get off some of my meds.  All they do is make me tired.  All I want to do is sleep.  And as Robert says….I talk too much.  I went on and on.  My anxiety is so high right now.  Between K’s behavior and language and school stuff, the rummage sale next week (that I am not ready for), getting ready to move by June 1, and still not knowing where I am going to live…..I can’t breathe.  I feel like I am drowning.  I know I am trying my best but I just can’t breathe.  There is a huge pile of stuff in my living room where some stuff is marked and boxed and ready to go to my garage.  My bedroom is a disaster….I have yet to go through some stuff.  K’s room is like a tornado went through it.  Everywhere I look…..I can’t breathe…..I need out.  I want to get out and just drive away….get as far away as I can.

war in my mind





That is what it feels like these days.  War, battle, conflict, struggle…..fear.  I don’t know what is next.  I know tomorrow, somedays.  But anxiety, fear.

Life and Everyday

how to solve a problem like Julie?

post it note problem.solution

The problem: 

I regularly feel angry and lots of guilt

The possible solutions:

1. Act on feelings.

2. Find a way to cope.


There were no other options. They were the only two options I could see.  It was up to me and only me to decide which one to choose. How did I decide? I looked at both possibilities in turn & wrote down all the things that would flow from acting upon either possibility. As far as I can remember here is what I wrote.


If I act on my feelings what will happen?

1. I blow up at K and she gets all pissy at me as I get more pissy at her.  Then the guilt sets in because I yelled at her but I am not sure why.

2.  I can give up.  I don’t have to keep fighting anymore. I can surrender (which would be bliss).  I can go ahead and take more pills or hurt myself.  I won’t have to hurt her or anyone else for that matter (the bliss part).

3. All being well, I will simply stop existing. A simple and effective solution.

4. If I am not careful, K will find out, possibly call grandma or freak out or whatever.  Or I could feel so much guilt that I call the crisis line myself and talk to them.

5. If end calling the crisis line I could end up in a psych ward and will definitely face unwanted questions from professionals & family.


Numbers 4 & 5 on that list were enough to get me thinking about my other choice.


Finding a way to cope. How?

1. Yell and scream and vent it all out.  Causes much chaos and tears and frustration with both K and myself.  Plus that awkward silence and tension.

2.  Self harm (won’t kill me & I finally get to surrender to my daily urges so will really enjoy it).

3. Email Adam and/or Peggy and see if I can get a reply from either of them (very unlikely)

4. Call the Canvas Health crisis line.  Talk to someone there.  (might not be worth it as I don’t live in Washington county anymore….though my shrink is from there.)

5. Find things I can do to help myself.


What am I going to do?  I don’t know.  I did the yelling and crap earlier today.  Didn’t do anything to help the situation.  Just covered a situation to make it more uncomfortable.  K is still doing all the little things that irritate the hell out of me.  (And she knows it, so she keeps doing it).

I  took 5 ativan and layed down for a nap.  Slept only for not quite an hour.  Got up and did my obligatory Church Online stuff.  (my distraction)….still didn’t work.  so here I sit…writing.  trying to figure out what is next.  so what next?  I really don’t want to email Adam or Peggy.  It’s the weekend and getting a response is very highly unlikely at this point.  Yay for them.

If I call the crisis line,,,,,what the hell do I say to them?  Life sucks.  End of story.  Idk.  At this point…IDC.

yes I have a pissy ass attitude.

few friends say, “give it God.”  He will give you all the help you need.  He is there for you during this hard time.  All my head hears is blah blah blah blah…..I can’t do that right now.

God can’t fix this feeling at the moment.  been here before and tried to get God to help me….didn’t work.  Don’t think He will help now either.