Life and Everyday

Hurting heart ♥

My friend Karen told me this tonight:  you’re looking for someone outside yourself to make you feel good about yourself.  And, it’s not going to work.  You’ve got to be emotionally okay with who you are inside and out before seeking someone to be your life partner.

Yeah…it happened again.  I let a guy get too close and my heart got hurt again.  As I was reading some blogs tonight I came across this blog from Marc and Angel Hack Life.  It’s called:

9 Things a True Friend Would Never Do

An acquaintance has a little something in common with you and merely enjoys your company for a short time.  A fair-weather friend flatters you when the sun is shining and the birds are chirping.  A true friend, on the other hand, has your very best interests at heart and would NEVER…

1.  Criticize you for being flawed.

As flawed as you might be, as out of place as you sometimes feel, and as lacking as you think you are, you don’t have to hide all the imperfect pieces of yourself from a true friend.  They see your flaws as features that make you interesting and beautiful.

The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations.  True friends love and appreciate each other just the way they are.

2.  Walk away when times get tough.

True friendship and good character is all about how a person nurtures another person when they are vulnerable and can give very little in return.  Thus, it’s not who’s standing beside you during good times, but the ones who stick by you through tough times that are your true friends.

So take note of who remains in your life when times get tough, especially the people who sacrifice the resources they have in their life to help you improve yours when you need it most.  Seriously, when you come out the other side of a difficult period in your life, look around you.  The people still standing beside you are your true friends.

3.  Discourage you.

Unfortunately, some who seem like your friends will try to hold you back from your full potential.  It may be difficult, but don’t let these negative impostors bring you down.  Don’t ever let your so-called friends turn your sky into a ceiling.  Beware of friends who try to belittle your ambitions.  Small hearts and minds always do that.  The greatest hearts and minds – the people you should spend time around – make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Remember, encouraging things happen when you distance yourself from discouraging people.  Doing so doesn’t mean you hate them, it simply means you respect yourself.  (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

4.  Hold a grudge over your head.

Some people will refuse to accept that you are no longer who you used to be – that you’ve made mistakes in the past, learned from them, and moved beyond them.  They may not be able to stand the fact that you’re growing and moving on with your life, and so they will try to drag your past to catch up with you.  Do not help them by acknowledging their begrudging behavior.  Let go of their negativity, find peace, and liberate yourself!

A true friend never holds the unchangeable past against you; instead, they help your repair your present and future.  If someone relentlessly judges you by your past and holds it against you, you might have to take matters into your own hands, and repair your present and future by leaving them behind.

5.  Lie to you.

When you keep someone in your life who is a chronic liar, and you keep giving them new chances to be trusted, you have a lot in common with this person – you’re both lying and being unfriendly to YOU.

If you know someone who avoids the truth by telling you only what you want to hear, they do so for their own benefit, not yours.  They are not a true friend and they don’t deserve to be treated as such.

6.  Pretend like they have all the answers.

If you think about the people who have had the greatest positive effect on your life – the ones who truly made a difference – you will likely realize that they aren’t the ones that tried to give you all the answers or solve all your problems.  They’re the ones who sat silently with you when you needed a moment to think, who lent you a shoulder when you needed to cry, and who tolerated not having all the answers, but stood beside you anyway.

Don’t look for a friend who will solve all your problems; look for one who will face them with you.  (Read Tuesdays with Morrie.)

7.  Take from you without giving back.

You deserve to be with friends who make you smile – friends who don’t take you for granted – friends who won’t leave you hanging.  When you notice that a friend is always taking from you without giving back, you might need to distance yourself from them for a while.  If they care, they’ll notice.  If they don’t, you know where you stand.

You should want to give, but you shouldn’t be forced to always give more than you get.  If you feel like you are being taken advantage of, respect yourself enough to confront the situation.  This doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends with those who you feel are at fault, but you need to evaluate your friendships and realize where to draw the line when you give yourself to certain people.

8.  Bully you.

It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but just as much to stand up to your friends.  Sometimes bullying comes from the most unlikely places.  Be cognizant of how your friends treat you, and look out for the subtle jabs they throw.  When necessary, confront them or distance yourself from them – whatever it takes to give yourself the opportunity to grow into who you really are.

Life’s too short to be hanging around people who try to control and manipulate you.  Anyone who does so is not a true friend.  Gain your independence by taking off the shackles and freeing yourself from these bullies.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)

9.  Make you feel like you’re burdening them.

True friendship is never burdened with stressful promises and obligations.  What true friends do for each other should be done because they care and because they want to do them.  Period.

So don’t chase people.  They don’t need to be chased.  If someone is a true friend and wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever force yourself on someone who continuously overlooks your worth.

Afterthoughts

A true friend who understands your tears and troubles is far more valuable than a hundred friends who only show up for your smiles and joys.  Because a true friend accepts who you truly are, and also helps you become who you are capable of being.

Friendships like this require more than just finding the right person, they also require you to be the right person.  When someone believes in you enough to lift you up, try not to let them down.  True friendship is a sweet responsibility to be nurtured, not an opportunity to be exploited.

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Another hard lesson learned tonight.  I know I trust way to easily.  I keep searching outside myself for that acceptance and love.  I know it begins inside me….but I “forget” or I don’t trust myself enough for that to be enough for me, if that makes sense.     I have been alone for so long, I just want to be loved.  I feel unlovable.

Not exactly true, I know.  But by the opposite sex…..I am not so sure.

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Life and Everyday

difficult child…difficult illness

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I have been dealing with kind of kid all week.  and yes…my daughter has looked like this most of the week…..i am about ready to pull my hair out.  I am sooooo not ready for this pre-teen stuff let a lone teen years.  Add some ADD and RAD…lovely.

Right now she is ranting and it’s bedtime.  Sarcasm coming out of her mouth left and right.  She is in her bedroom, supposed to be sleeping or attempting, but yelling at me.  Because it’s all my fault.  what is?  I am not exactly sure.  But whatever IT is…it’s all my fault.  Whatever!

ADD – Attention Deficit Disorder.  it sucks.  but it’s manageable.  more manageable than RAD.  RAD- Reactive Attachment Disorder.  Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is a complex psychiatric illness that can affect young children. It is characterized by serious problems in emotional attachments to others.  Most children with Reactive Attachment Disorder have had severe problems or disruptions in their early relationships.    Some have experienced inadequate care in an institutional setting or other out-of-home placement such as a hospital, residential program, foster care or orphanage.  Others have had multiple or traumatic losses or changes in their primary caregiver. The exact cause of Reactive Attachment Disorder is not known.

With this being said or quoted from The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP), I want to explain a  few things.  First, I am not a bad mom.  I never hurt my child in any way.  She was taken from me when she was 5 years old.  Luckily my mother was there to take her otherwise, we (my family) would not know where she would be right now.  She lived with my mom until last summer.  K moved back with me last May.  I have done everything in my power to get her the help and care she needs.  I take care of myself too.  I am still in therapy for my anxiety and depression.  K is in therapy.  I have gotten the right accommodations at school for her, trying to make that easier for her.  I set firm limits with her.  Though she often bucks me, I don’t yell.  I do raise my voice some, but I don’t all out yell at her.  Sometimes I do the opposite.  I talk quieter.  Then she has to really listen to me.  If she chooses to.  I am firm with my consequences and stick to them.  If I say no screen time….I mean no screen time (tv, computer, kindle, etc.).  Sometimes I end up suffering along with her if there is a show on TV that I want to watch, but her needs come before mine when it come to that for me.

I think when K left to go live with my mom, it was traumatic for her just as much for me.  I got to see her and talk to her whenever I wanted.  But not having her everyday took it’s toll on both of us.  Most on her I think.  Her sense of self is so blurred.  She is insecure.  But yet she is brave at times.  She loves to dance and sing.  She gets up in front of folks and does her dance performances and choir performances.  Making friends is hard for her.  Her therapist says that physically she is 9 almost 10 years old, but emotionally she is still stuck at 5-6 years old.  The age when we were separated.  Trying to “fix” that gap has been so hard.  Tiring, exhausting, gut wrenching.  I want to take away her pain and distress.  But I can’t.  I get so frustrated with myself and with her.  It’s unfair of me.  I start to blame myself and the guilt sets in.

I know I did the best I could at that time.  Signing custody over to my mom was the best thing because I knew I would be ok again to have her back home with me.  And I am.  I am ok.  I am better than OK.  Being a single parent sucks most days though.  It’s so very hard to do this all alone.  But I have. And am.

I continue to learn more about RAD and how to parent her with this.  it’s damn hard most days.  Other days it’s a breeze.  Today is a very very very hard day.  My heart is hurting so bad.  Yesterday was my birthday and I wanted her to be happy and it was a really hard day for her too.  We had a good time when we went out to eat, but she had a very hard day yesterday too.

My heart is sad.  Keep us in your prayers.  Thanks. ♥

Life and Everyday

Sometimes sadness

SOMETIMES…

sometimes I get sad

sometimes I’m down

sometimes I’m just scared

noone is around

sometimes noise is piercing

deep down inside

sometimes with tears

I cannot seem to hide

 that’s when I need know

that’s when I trust

that’s when I lean on

the One that I must

that’s when He holds me

gentle and still

that’s when I feel Him

I know He is real

 sometimes I’m  lonely

even at home

sometimes the anger

won’t leave me alone

sometimes the pain

is all I can bear

sometimes I wonder

does anyone really care

 that’s when I cry out

desperate and free

that’s when I listen

how much does He loves me

that’s when He comforts

in His tender ways

that’s when He keeps up

loving all ways

sometimes there’s more 

anguish and grief

sometimes I fall down

I’m so broken, so weak

sometimes the whispers

inside are unkind

sometimes my mind

can’t seem to unwind

that’s when I need trust Him

that’s when I need rest

that’s when I need know

God always knows best

that’s when I hold on

to the promise so true

He cannot leave me

He’ll always come through

 

This is my hope….that God will be there….sometimes I am not sure He is…but I realize I need to trust and believe in something and someone…….

Life and Everyday

don't give up on em

 

pretty much how it is right now…

so alone.  single parenting sucks.

i fell tonight.  scared the crap out of my daughter…scared myself.  i think i hurt something in my hip and or low back/spine.  can’t go in because again…single mom.  and the weather is getting back.   will live with the pain until i have time to finally deal with it.

finally am getting time to get my broken tooth taken care of too.  a lovely valentines present for me….8:30 am…gotta love that for a valentines present.  they gotta figure out what to do with my tooth and my partial.

I feel so out of sorts.  My brain is like scrambled eggs.  I can’t think very good.  I can’t remember very much. or very good.  I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me.  I just don’t know.

Life and Everyday

The World Lost a Fabulous Woman

My aunt Billie passed away unexpectedly on Monday.  She had a massive heart attack.  She was the most wonderful woman   She had one of the biggest hearts I have ever know a person  to have.  Her sense of humor was contagious.  Our family often referred to her as Lucy as in Lucille Ball.  Only Billie didn’t have the red hair.  But the humor was very very similar.

My mom has 9 siblings.  Pat, Billie, Alouise, Mom, Darlo, Michael, Marjo, Kim and Kevin.  Both my grandparent have passed away also.  Mom lost her mom when she was in her early 20’s.  I  don’t remember my grandmother, but I do have one picture of her with me.  I think I was maybe a little over one year old.

This is my aunt Billie:

billie

Here is quote from one of her children, Jeannie, ” Life with my mom was always fun. I told her often that it was like growing up with Lucy. I am going to miss you Lucy! I wish the show wasn’t cancelled so soon. Thank you for the laughs and smiles mom. My heart aches for another episode.”  “My mother was my greatest teacher, a teacher of compassion, love and faith. She taught me to love and follow God. She lost her mom when she was only eight. How blessed was I to have her as long as I did? Yet the ache of knowing that she is gone is almost more than I can take. I love you, Mom!”

She was an amazing woman.  She was one of those women who loved me where I was and whatever was going on in my life.  She never judged me.  She just kept on loving me.  I worry now about my uncle Ray.  Still recovering form his hip replacement he had before Christmas.  I know my cousins (his kids) will take great care of him.  They are amazing cousins too.

My mom and Marjo are flying in today.  They are in Texas.  Mom and Tiny just got there yesterday.  And mom has to turn around and come back for a few days.  The visitation is Thursday evening.  The funeral is Friday at 10am.  I hope I am feeling well enough to go.  I have a sinus thing that my daughter shared with me.

She was sick all week last week.  Now I have it.  I missed work yesterday and feel like crap and will probably miss today also.  Been up since a little after 3, because I couldn’t breathe.  sucks.

My heart hurts.  I will my aunt very much.  She is in heaven dancing with angels.  I hope she is giving my dad a huge hug.  I miss him as well.  Be amazing Billie.  You leave a huge legacy for all who have known you.

Life and Everyday

Things You Need to Know About My Illness

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 13 things you need to know about Depression/BiPolar/Fibromylgia/Chronic Pain   

(from one who has suffered this disease)

 1. I am one in every 20 people that you will meet 

clinical depression is real. bipolar illness is real.  fibromylgia is real.  chronic pain is real.   if i am stuck in my sadness, anxiety, pain, fogginess, anger, or rage for weeks, or even months, i could be any of the above. be careful what you say about any of these illnesses, or what you say about those “crazy” people.  if you have never experienced any of these, you don’t understand – so please don’t pretend to know “just how I feel”.  I am all around you.  I might even BE you.

2. I don’t want to be sick

I didn’t pick this for me.  I don’t want to be stuck here in this isolation, anger, insomnia, sadness, darkness.  there is nothing about this that is okay with me.

3. I can’t think my way out of being sick

if I could just feel better, I would.  just like a diabetic can’t just say “I don’t want diabetes”.  life happens, and I don’t have the power in my mind to get well.

4. I don’t want to ask for help (or admit I am not okay)

one of the major signs of these illnesses is not being able to admit I am sad (in a disabling kind of way).  I am not strong enough to know I need help.  by asking for help, I would have to admit I am NOT okay, and i simply can’t face this possibility.

5. I feel “crazy”

I know things are not as they should be, and i am scared of all of these feelings. but I don’t know what to do about it.  i feel desperately lost and confused.

6. I need YOUR help to get well

hold me accountable – when I am sick, I am not well enough to evaluate my situation.  do whatever you can do to get me to a medical professional, as soon as you see signs

7. I am not weak because I take  meds

most people suffering from mental illness or physical illnesses can be helped by medication and/or therapy.  don’t make comments about me being lesser, weaker, not strong in enough “my faith” because I am on meds.

8. I might stop taking my meds when I start to feel better – and I can not do this  

no other disease has so many people taking themselves OFF of prescribed medication.  I will fight my battle with being on these meds for a lifetime.  I don’t want to “need” my pills, but I do.  Watch for me spiraling, and ask me the hard question, “are you taking your meds?”  (but don’t ask me in the middle of a fight -please don’t do this)

9. I cannot explain how I feel

I don’t even understand it myself. i am angry about nothing, and sad about everything. but i can’t even explain it to me.

10. I can’t depend on your happy life to get me better

your being in a good mood, and being cheery won’t help me out of my depression.  even you doing wonderful, sweet, generous, thoughtful things for me – won’t chase my sickness away

11. I want to hide all the time, from myself, from my spouse, from my closest friends

I am terrified to be around you when I am depressed.  even for a while after being on meds, i still don’t feel  like the “old me”.  give me time, don’t ask me how i am all the time.  BUT, still check on me.

12. I still need your help, even months, even years after my diagnosis – diseases don’t just go away.

I need your accountability to be honest about what you see, when you see it.  please don’t avoid the obvious.  I need your courage when I am weak.

13. I have to fight to be well

it is a fight, a daily choice, often over and over again on any given day, to fight this disease, so it won’t win over me.

 

These issues are real.  It is all around you.  You have a role in understanding and helping those you know who are struggling.  And the problem is only getting bigger. Open your eyes, and your mind to the realities of this disease.

Life and Everyday

Sensless Tragedy

Obviously by now you are aware of the tragedy that took place yesterday.

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Precious, beautiful, innocent children….taken froms this world all too suddenly.
All from an evil act of a single human.
Unspeakably senseless.
I think of the fear that had to be in those children’s eyes as they heard the gun shots fire, the thoughts of how much and immediately they wanted their parents by their side to protect them in that intense moment of fear, and now–the parents who are coping with the loss of their little one today and foever.  The the survivors of not only the children but the adults that were murdered too.  The brave teachers that tried to keep them all safe….pulled them into rooms and locked doors, etc.  They are heros as well.
It makes me so sick to my stomach.  I cried for an hour or so.  What was I going to tell K?  What about all the other kids I work with at school?  This could have been MY elementary school.  Makes my stomach turn.  I definitely wil be hugging my daughter tighter and loving on her more.  I will love on my kids at school.  I will tell them how much I love them, how proud I am to be working with them and that they are doing an excellent job learning.
UPDATES-27-dead-in-shooting-at-Sandy-Hook-Elementary-School-in-Newtown-ConnThere is nothing that we can do to make what just happened seem “okay”.
But we can show our support and love in ways that we know possible.
A few bloggers put together the following and I wanted to pass it along.
A day of silence to remember the lives that were taken.
Please read below and strongly consider joining in//donating//praying//etc.
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To the Blog World and Anyone Else who Wants to Help,

Yesterday, tragedy struck so many of us in ways we did not foresee. An elementary school and small town in Connecticut was shattered by a mass shooting. We knew we wanted to help and we came up with this:


On Tuesday, December 18th, there will be a blogger day of silence.
We will post the button and that’s it. Please try to not post anything else that day if possible.

We are also raising money that will go to an organization in the memory of this tragedy. The organization is called The Newtown Family Youth and Family Services. Here is the official description of the support service we are donating to:

“Newtown Youth and Family Services, Inc. is a licensed, non-profit, mental health clinic and youth services bureau dedicated to helping children and families achieve their highest potential. NYFS provides programs, services, activities, counseling, support groups and education throughout the Greater Newtown area.

ANY DONATIONS MADE TO NEWTOWN YOUTH AND FAMILY SERVICES WILL BE DONATED DIRECTLY TO THOSE EFFECTED BY THE SANDY HOOK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL SHOOTING.”

Please visit THIS PAGE to make your donation.

We can’t imagine how they must be feeling, especially this close to the holidays. We would love for you to spread the word on your own blog, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Let’s make a difference and use blogging in a positive way. Thank you in advance for participating.

Love,
The Blog World

p.s. If you would like to, copy-paste and repost any part of this, please do. Share on

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