Life and Everyday

Rainy days and Thursdays

Man…’s been raining most of the day.  My joints ache so bad this evening.  I did take some pain meds, I hate doing that.  But Dr. Kristin would be proud of me since I don’t even take them as prescribed.  LOL

I have been doing a lot of thinking today.  About being a mom.  What it takes to be a mom.  What is the difference between a good mom and a bad mom.  It’s all relative, right?   I have been reading (on and off) writings from this woman, Rachel Macy Stafford.  Her website Hands Free Mama, is full of her life as a mom, the good and the bad….tears and celebrations.  Some have me in such tears that I can’t even read….I have to stop for a bit just to pull it together again.

Today I happened to be reading, Making your Loudest Voice Calmer & Your Truest Voice Stronger.  Before I had even thought about reading today, I had been thinking about last night’s meltdown.  I had yelled at K.  I don’t usually yell at her.  But I did, it even caught me off guard.  It dawned on me today that I had scared her.  That hurt my heart terribly and the tears rolled.  Back to the blog by Rachel.  When I read these words:

At my loudest, I was heard the least.

At my loudest, I felt the most pain.

At my loudest, I caused the most hurt.

At my loudest, my voice was most voiceless.

I felt like she had gone into my heart and mind and grabbed the words right out of me.  My voice has not been there for quite some time.  Before I asked Robert to leave, he told me I talk too much, I feel too much, I share too much.  So, began my time of sinking into myself and watcing and limiting what I say and to whom I spoke to. I began to get angry at him.  At myself for having feelings or emotions at all.  So when I yelled last night at K, I was stunned at myself.  K was scared of me.  She curled herself into the corner of her bed and just looked at me crying and shaking.

I don’t want to cry anymore.  I cry too much.  Lately I cry all the time.  K sees me cry.  She tells me to stop crying.  The other day, she said I don’t even try anymore.  I went to my bedroom and yup, I cried.  I lay in bed and cry until I finally fall asleep.   I called my psych doc today, talked to his nurse and told her I think I need to get off some of my meds.  All they do is make me tired.  All I want to do is sleep.  And as Robert says….I talk too much.  I went on and on.  My anxiety is so high right now.  Between K’s behavior and language and school stuff, the rummage sale next week (that I am not ready for), getting ready to move by June 1, and still not knowing where I am going to live…..I can’t breathe.  I feel like I am drowning.  I know I am trying my best but I just can’t breathe.  There is a huge pile of stuff in my living room where some stuff is marked and boxed and ready to go to my garage.  My bedroom is a disaster….I have yet to go through some stuff.  K’s room is like a tornado went through it.  Everywhere I look…..I can’t breathe…..I need out.  I want to get out and just drive away….get as far away as I can.

war in my mind





That is what it feels like these days.  War, battle, conflict, struggle…..fear.  I don’t know what is next.  I know tomorrow, somedays.  But anxiety, fear.

Life and Everyday

Another meltdown tonight

parkerpq1K had another meltdown tonight. Enough that it brought the manager down again. Her meltdowns are warranting disturbances to neighbors which are now being told to the manager……now I understand why the manager brought me the letter with big letters that say we need to be out by June 1. K is just causing too much noise to the neighbors. They think she is hurting me. The last one when the police came, she had hurt me.

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about how I am dealing or not dealing with her behavior. I have asked her what she really needs from me. What can mom do to make this easier for you? She tells me, “I don’t know”. So I keep embracing K which does not mean that I am ignoring her misbehavior. I am trying to tailor how I respond to her behavior in a way that makes more sense to her. But this is also my hang up too. I run out of effective ways to respond. Her reactions are like fireworks and the explovsives are everywhere. But I am trying.

I went to my therapy today and as I was talking, my therapist said something to me that was like a dagger in my heart. He said to me,”you give up your dream of who K should have been and accept her for who she is”. super mom He told me that I will be able to match my response to K’s behavior and then become an effective parent.

Acceptance. I understand but I had never realized that I had always wanted to much more for her. For her to be different, like my friend’s daughters. Stab my heart. I cried and cried and cried. How do I even accept myself? Not just with this, but just finding out that I have been diagnosed with a genetic disorder that doesn’t have a cure. I go in for an echocardiogram tomorrow morning (the 7th). I am scared. I am a single mom. I don’t have anyone to be with me. I have been trying to to increase my support system. But I work on K’s first, make sure she has everything she needs first. Then first in my own stuff. I am working on controlling my emotions right now because K sees me cry, and she worries too much. She tells me that I’m not trying hard enough.  Trying what not hard enough?
I don’t know what to do now?  Control my emotions.  That is what I do.  Breathe.  Keep my mouth shut and listen.  Meditation.  Breathe.  Don’t talk.  Listen. Clench my teeth, but do not say a word, just listen.  But always tell K that I love her, no matter what, no matter where.  Always and forever.  From the moon and around the sun….in the stars and back again.  Patience.  Smile.  Breathe.  Listen.  Smile.  Love her.  Just love on her.more patience

Life and Everyday


never let anyone treat my daughter this way


I went to therapy again to talk with Adam today.  We talked about K mostly.  About the fact she asked about her father again.  She asked me last night if I had a picture of him.  I don’t know if I do or not.  I know I have seen one around here somewhere in a box or something.  I told Adam that I wasn’t sure I wanted to show it to her yet.  But he said that maybe I should.  Why?  I don’t want to hurt her.  But I know she has that right to know what he looks like.  she has that right to know the good qualities he has too.  Adam and I talked about that also.  Besides all the crap that he had done to me and then leaving me before she was even born…..he does/did have some great qualities about him, otherwise I would have never been with him in the first place.  I did love him at one time in my life.  It does make me really sad that he doesn’t and hasn’t ever seen her or had anything to do with her.  She doesn’t even know him at all.  I can’t imagine what kind of pain that is for her.

My dad passed away when I was 30.  I knew my dad.  I mean, I grew up, knowing my dad and what he was like and who he was and is and what he liked and didn’t like….I still remember….even 13 year later.  And I miss him.

I guess i need to look for that picture.  And ask a few of my old friends if they have a picture of him and me together when we lived back in that area in Iowa.  There were good days.

Life and Everyday

I just want the tears to stop

I just want to stop crying everyday.  I also want the anger to go away too.  One moment I am all tears, the next angry as a bull seeing red.  Why?  the only thing I can think that is triggering this (other than my daughters outbursts recently) is the old fricken tapes in my head.  They are back telling me how worthless and horrible a person I am.  How much of a failure I am.  blah blah blah.

It’s so hard when I have K freakin out because she wants something that she can’t have or do something that we can’t do because there is no money, etc.  She is angry at me because I get angry at her.  It’s like a never-ending circle.  I don’t know where or when it ends.  I get angry because she feels she is entitled to have all the things she asks for and then some.  I am supposed to go and do and whatever when she wants it.  But my wallet and bank account, my body and head just can’t do it.

I am in pain.  Not just this damn emotional pain but the physical pain.  I hate having this chronic pain disease or illness or whatever it is called.  I hate lupus.  I hate fibro.  I am sick of physical pain everyday when I get up.  I choose not to take the benzo’s because I hate how they make me feel.  So I choose to live with the pain.  My fault.

Emotionally I am drained.  On this roller coaster of anger and crying.  Throw in a huge handful of anxiety and I’m a hot mess.  I went to this new psychiatrist today.  Was a total waste of my time.  Basically she said that I should go back to my old doc because she doesn’t have time to treat “someone like me”.  Well, it’s that a lovely thing to say to a person who is on the verge of tears and anger???  So I walk out and call that damn clinic back and ask Susie to get me in with a psychiatrist with the soonist opening.  The soonist opening….3 1/2 weeks away.  But with a different doc than who I have been seeing.  It’s a lady.  I have never had a lady psychiatrist.  I hope she knows what she is doing.  I hope she doesn’t load me up on meds like the past doc.

Why am I so angry?  I don’t get it.  I mean I do, but I don’t.  They are just all so much little things that are stupid to be mad at.  Why get angry at the little things?  Am I just being petty?

  • pain
  • lack of money/no job
  • foot in boot still
  • can’t exercise yet
  • eating sucks
  • k talking back
  • laundry piling up
  • I’m alone
  • no support
  • physically can’t do things I need to get done…cleaning up the balcony flowers and stuff
  • cleaning the apartment, etc
  • getting groceries up the stairs
  • k’s insistence on clashing clothes to go to school
  • k’s constant yelling at me telling me that i am stupid and horrible mom
  • k throwing things at me when she is mad

I probably should be doing a gratitude list instead.  That would be the more Christian thing to do.  But I am tired of being or playing that everything is fine when I am outside….it’s a game out there.  I hate it.  I hate being home too.  I haven’t felt like hurting myself in years….and then yesterday and today…..BAM!!  I haven’t done any cutting or massive pill swallowing.  But my god, the thoughts are there. again.

Life and Everyday

difficult child…difficult illness


I have been dealing with kind of kid all week.  and yes…my daughter has looked like this most of the week…..i am about ready to pull my hair out.  I am sooooo not ready for this pre-teen stuff let a lone teen years.  Add some ADD and RAD…lovely.

Right now she is ranting and it’s bedtime.  Sarcasm coming out of her mouth left and right.  She is in her bedroom, supposed to be sleeping or attempting, but yelling at me.  Because it’s all my fault.  what is?  I am not exactly sure.  But whatever IT is…it’s all my fault.  Whatever!

ADD – Attention Deficit Disorder.  it sucks.  but it’s manageable.  more manageable than RAD.  RAD- Reactive Attachment Disorder.  Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is a complex psychiatric illness that can affect young children. It is characterized by serious problems in emotional attachments to others.  Most children with Reactive Attachment Disorder have had severe problems or disruptions in their early relationships.    Some have experienced inadequate care in an institutional setting or other out-of-home placement such as a hospital, residential program, foster care or orphanage.  Others have had multiple or traumatic losses or changes in their primary caregiver. The exact cause of Reactive Attachment Disorder is not known.

With this being said or quoted from The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP), I want to explain a  few things.  First, I am not a bad mom.  I never hurt my child in any way.  She was taken from me when she was 5 years old.  Luckily my mother was there to take her otherwise, we (my family) would not know where she would be right now.  She lived with my mom until last summer.  K moved back with me last May.  I have done everything in my power to get her the help and care she needs.  I take care of myself too.  I am still in therapy for my anxiety and depression.  K is in therapy.  I have gotten the right accommodations at school for her, trying to make that easier for her.  I set firm limits with her.  Though she often bucks me, I don’t yell.  I do raise my voice some, but I don’t all out yell at her.  Sometimes I do the opposite.  I talk quieter.  Then she has to really listen to me.  If she chooses to.  I am firm with my consequences and stick to them.  If I say no screen time….I mean no screen time (tv, computer, kindle, etc.).  Sometimes I end up suffering along with her if there is a show on TV that I want to watch, but her needs come before mine when it come to that for me.

I think when K left to go live with my mom, it was traumatic for her just as much for me.  I got to see her and talk to her whenever I wanted.  But not having her everyday took it’s toll on both of us.  Most on her I think.  Her sense of self is so blurred.  She is insecure.  But yet she is brave at times.  She loves to dance and sing.  She gets up in front of folks and does her dance performances and choir performances.  Making friends is hard for her.  Her therapist says that physically she is 9 almost 10 years old, but emotionally she is still stuck at 5-6 years old.  The age when we were separated.  Trying to “fix” that gap has been so hard.  Tiring, exhausting, gut wrenching.  I want to take away her pain and distress.  But I can’t.  I get so frustrated with myself and with her.  It’s unfair of me.  I start to blame myself and the guilt sets in.

I know I did the best I could at that time.  Signing custody over to my mom was the best thing because I knew I would be ok again to have her back home with me.  And I am.  I am ok.  I am better than OK.  Being a single parent sucks most days though.  It’s so very hard to do this all alone.  But I have. And am.

I continue to learn more about RAD and how to parent her with this.  it’s damn hard most days.  Other days it’s a breeze.  Today is a very very very hard day.  My heart is hurting so bad.  Yesterday was my birthday and I wanted her to be happy and it was a really hard day for her too.  We had a good time when we went out to eat, but she had a very hard day yesterday too.

My heart is sad.  Keep us in your prayers.  Thanks. ♥

Life and Everyday

Tired body and mind


This post is brought to you with a heavy heart and tired body and mind. I haven’t been feeling all that well lately. Not quite sure exactly why…I think it’s a combination of many things.

Single Parenting… With K’s ADD and RAD, I have been at wit’s end with figuring out what to do with her and me and life and everything…..adjusting to everything….newness and things changing all the time
Work…I’m always exhausted. Seriously, I am sluggish all day long.  Feeling like my supervisor is constantly watching me after my warning a few weeks ago…..I feel like I can make NO mistakes at all.
Exercise…non existent.
Personal life…non existent.
Spiritual life……lacking big time….
I have to admit, I have a lot going on at the moment. Maybe too much, but it’s necessary. I think perhaps, I need to take better care of myself emotionally and physically to help my body cope with such a heavy work load. I feel depressed, but not quite…I don’t know just how to explain it; not quite sad, just down. I guess it’s just my body’s way of telling me…”I need some additional help.”  My body is breaking down.  I know I need to get in and see my GP.  I have physical issues that need to be addressed, but I can’t find time to get in there.  Kind of like trying to get into the chiro to get my neck and back fixed up, after falling on the ice a week and half ago….I have had a constant headache for 5 days now.  Can hardly see straight.  I continue to go to therapy for myself with Adam.  I also go to therapy with K….it’s a new therapy for attachment disorders.  For me this is quite stressful.

I think my body has been telling me exactly what it needs for a long time and I’ve just been ignoring it. A weekend break…a technology fast for one weekend. I have to make time for some relaxation. I can’t keep on going like this. I’ll forever remain miserable. I know I need some “me” time.  I have tried to explain to K that I can’t spend every waking hour with her and entertaining her.  She is 9 years old and should be able to find her own things to entertain herself.

And…of course, I haven’t been real good at keeping up with blogging. It’s an amazing stress reliever when I do write. Love sitting here, typing away…sharing my thoughts with you all…listening to music.   I long for this, it’s pure bliss. Oh….I LOVE my blog. I don’t know what I would do without it and of course, you all…my lovely readers. You all keep me sane. 🙂

Note to self: Get off your butt and go chase your happiness. It’s running away from you.