Life and Everyday

Gods at War

Our heart tells on us!  Our actions tell what our heart is saying.  Where ever our heart is, that is where Jesus wants to be.  Are you ready to give your heart to him?

This is what the sermon last week was about.  I am finally in a spot where I can think and concentrate enough to write about what I was thinking about last week.  Good thing I took good notes while listening at church huh?

The title of the new series is : Gods At War.  Week 1:  What’s your IQ?  Pastor Phil first talked about idolatry.  The last post I wrote about something idols of food and acceptance by people back on October 29.    Idolatry is taking something that is not God and putting it in the place where God alone belongs.  This is a battle we have everyday.  We all have “sneaky idols”.  You know those ones that don’t really seem like idols but secretly we know that the could be.  (anything that competes with your time with God)  For me a few of those things are shopping, “things” or stuff, food, money, my daughter,  friends.  We are all worshipers by nature.

In Exodus 20, you know, where God gives us the 10 commandments….what is the first one?  You shall have no other Gods.  There it is.  Big and bold!  He is telling us first off and foremost….I’m the only one….Got it?  ME! God!  NO ONE ELSE BUT ME – GOD!!  He wants us to put HIM first.  But….we don’t…not always.

Our sneaky idols drain us.  They keep taking from us.  They keep us wanting more and more.  And they give less and less back to us.  We try to do things perfectly or get the perfect clothes, the perfect house, the perfect house, raise the perfect kids, and on and on, thinking this will make us happy.  Until….the next big thing comes out.  Then we want more.  We come out unhappy and unfulfilled.  We are always one purchase away from happiness.  Our idols will always disappoint us.  Always.

In the second commandment, God wants us to not make any other gods.  Our God is a jealous God.  Jealous in the sense that He loves us so much, more than anyone or anything, that he doesn’t want to share us with anyone or anything.  It hurts Him when we wander way and give ourselves to other things.   God wants us to guard ourselves from our  impatient disobedience.

We wait for God to show up.  We feel he let us down.  We wait.   That is why we choose other gods.  Other idols.  We get tired of waiting.  But He is waiting:  to teach us a lesson.  But we settle for something else.  “When the going gets tough, *a golden calf* will appear at the scene”.  Don’t settle!

Joshua 24: 14-15   14“Now fear the Lord and serve him with all faithfulness. Throw away the gods your ancestors worshiped beyond the Euphrates River and in Egypt, and serve the Lord. 15 But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”

Life and Everyday

Idols and what not

So I wrote about my soul on Sunday…… soul being cluttered.  One thing that clutters my soul is what I guess, to be honest, is called idols.   I wouldn’t say that I worship these things, but I do spend way too much time worrying about them and dwelling on them.

Do you worship idols?  Spend too much time thinking or dwelling on?

My idol, the thing I crave, is for other people to want me. Not in an inappropriate way, although I can see how some women would head that direction. No, I want others to want my presence and value me as a friend. I simply want people to want me around. I crave that so much that it hurts. When that need isn’t met I feel lonely and unimportant.

In high school, I had a group of girls that I ate lunch with, played volleyball with and who would consider me as part of their group.  We got along fine and I’m still in touch with a couple of them.  We didn’t do a lot together on weekends and after graduation, we all went our separate ways. Does this always happen?

Looking back logically, I know that I had a boyfriend here and there. I spent plenty of time with my family and I attended a different church than the rest of them, so it makes sense that my name didn’t always pop up when they were making plans.

They didn’t leave me out on purpose, but at the time their oversight solidified my feelings of being welcome but not wanted. I craved the acceptance of others more than I knew at the time. I wanted my friends to want me.  I wanted them to miss me when I wasn’t there. I wanted them to make plans around me once in a while. Occasionally I wanted them to act like their plans would be ruined if I couldn’t come. I wanted to feel like I was a vital part of the group.

I never did.

Those feelings of being on the outside carried over to my college years and well into adulthood.

I still crave acceptance. I want someone to look for me when I’m at church. I want someone to miss me if I’m not there. I want someone to think of me when I’m not with them. These things all sound romantic, but they apply to our friend relationships as well. It sounds juvenile, but when we have unmet needs during the early years, sometimes we can’t move on until we address those issues.  As with any other emotional need, no person can fill it. Only God can make me feel valued the way I need to.

Only God can fill that hole.

Another idol I crave is food.  I am reading a book called “Made to Crave” by Lysa TerKeurst.  This book is not a how-to manual or the latest, greatest dieting plan. It’s a book to use with whatever healthy eating plan you are using.  It’s  a book and Bible study to help you find the “want to” in how to make healthy lifestyle changes.  It’s a challenging book to read.  At lease for me, it’s challenging.

In just the introduction, it talks about having the “want to” to change.  My want to is there…sometimes.  I want to, but then I take it back.  I have to be willing to give it all over to God.  Everything.  Period.

“Getting healthy isn’t just about losing weight. It’s not limited to adjusting our diet and hoping for good physical results. It’s about recalibrating our souls so that we want to change—spiritually, physically and mentally. And the battle really is in all three areas. Spiritually. I had to ask God to give me the desire to be healthy. I knew a vanity-seeking “want to” would never last. Shallow desires produce only shallow efforts. I had to seek a spiritual “want to” empowered by God Himself. So, I asked. I begged, actually. I cried out to God. And day by day, God gave me just enough “want to,” laced with his strength, to be satisfied by healthy choices.” (p.6)  The other two areas are physically and mentally.  Physically, I have to be willing to move…get off the couch and get moving.  And mentally, I have to remember God’s promises.

Do you have an idol, some deep desire that you long for so much that it overtakes your desire for God? It could be something good; a happy home, a secure future, friendship, children; but the thought of never having it makes your faith slip a bit.

“I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols.” —Ezekiel 36:25

It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.

Life and Everyday

I wish I had an answer

I wish I had the answer to all the why’s right now.  I have so many of them.  Too many to write here right now.  But I don’t.  I don’t think anyone really does.  Maybe God does.  Maybe not.  I just don’t know.

There are so many things I am trying to figure out right now.  My mind is like mush.

(@Marueen Lang)
(@Marueen Lang)

You know, like the cereal at the end of the bowl that has soaked up too much milk and you are not so sure you want to eat it?  Well, that is what K does anyway.  🙂    I am good  at making lists.  I make them all the times.  I probably take stock in sticky notes as well.  I have gone through so many!  I have a tendency to write things down to just get them out of my head.  It’s like emptying my head out because if I don’t, I dwell on whatever is inside for ever!  If I write it down, then it’s “out there”.  Sometimes that is good and sometimes not so good.  Depends on who finds that list and actually reads it.  Ya know?

As you have maybe read in earlier posts, I have been so very angry and my bipolar stuff has been rearing it’s ugly head a lot lately.  I have had so much physical pain that it’s been completely unbearable, which totally fed into my bipolar rants and crap.  Today, I woke up in a foul mood as well.  I think I am kind of ok at the moment.  My main why at the current moment is :  Why in the earth do kids wake up at the butt crack of dawn on the weekends but are like pulling teeth to get out of bed on the weekdays?  I just don’t get it.  I think maybe I should take away the kindle for a morning on the weekend and see if she will sleep in.  If I do that, then she doesn’t have that “to look forward” to in getting up.  That sounds really terrible of me.  It’s not that I want to sleep to til noon or something, but I would just like to sleep until 7am or something.  Is that bad?

Anyway, been trying to figure this stuff about anger.  I got from the anger to depression…in a matter of moments.  I know my mental health (or lack of) is out of whack again.  I probably need my medication adjusted again.  I can’t get in to see this new doc until Oct.23.  I look at the calendar, it’s only 2 weeks away, but in my head it seems so long.  It’s another two weeks of mood swings and figuring out how to cope with it.  Not lashing out at K or myself.

I have been reading this book called “Soul Shaping”  by Jeff Brown.  It’s a really good book.  It really makes me think.  It’s about finding yourself.  Yeah I know.  Another book like that.  He says something that really hit me, it goes like this:  “It is important to grant yourself the permission to wander as part of your spiritual journey.  So often mischaracterized as lostness, there is a kind of immerson in the not knowing that is actually quite necessary if we are going to find our way home.  So much information can come up when we are looking in no particular direction.  By surrendering to the unknown, we create the space for a deeper knowing to emerge.  In the heart of the the no knowing, the paths that we are here to walk, reveal themselves.”

Maybe I am walking in that unknowing right now….in the whys?  Maybe my spirituality is in the whys too?  I know God is there but where?  Not sure.  I don’t feel Him right now.

Life and Everyday

Tired body and mind


This post is brought to you with a heavy heart and tired body and mind. I haven’t been feeling all that well lately. Not quite sure exactly why…I think it’s a combination of many things.

Single Parenting… With K’s ADD and RAD, I have been at wit’s end with figuring out what to do with her and me and life and everything…..adjusting to everything….newness and things changing all the time
Work…I’m always exhausted. Seriously, I am sluggish all day long.  Feeling like my supervisor is constantly watching me after my warning a few weeks ago…..I feel like I can make NO mistakes at all.
Exercise…non existent.
Personal life…non existent.
Spiritual life……lacking big time….
I have to admit, I have a lot going on at the moment. Maybe too much, but it’s necessary. I think perhaps, I need to take better care of myself emotionally and physically to help my body cope with such a heavy work load. I feel depressed, but not quite…I don’t know just how to explain it; not quite sad, just down. I guess it’s just my body’s way of telling me…”I need some additional help.”  My body is breaking down.  I know I need to get in and see my GP.  I have physical issues that need to be addressed, but I can’t find time to get in there.  Kind of like trying to get into the chiro to get my neck and back fixed up, after falling on the ice a week and half ago….I have had a constant headache for 5 days now.  Can hardly see straight.  I continue to go to therapy for myself with Adam.  I also go to therapy with K….it’s a new therapy for attachment disorders.  For me this is quite stressful.

I think my body has been telling me exactly what it needs for a long time and I’ve just been ignoring it. A weekend break…a technology fast for one weekend. I have to make time for some relaxation. I can’t keep on going like this. I’ll forever remain miserable. I know I need some “me” time.  I have tried to explain to K that I can’t spend every waking hour with her and entertaining her.  She is 9 years old and should be able to find her own things to entertain herself.

And…of course, I haven’t been real good at keeping up with blogging. It’s an amazing stress reliever when I do write. Love sitting here, typing away…sharing my thoughts with you all…listening to music.   I long for this, it’s pure bliss. Oh….I LOVE my blog. I don’t know what I would do without it and of course, you all…my lovely readers. You all keep me sane. 🙂

Note to self: Get off your butt and go chase your happiness. It’s running away from you.


Life and Everyday

Spring Break


This is K and I at Carver Lake Park today.  We had such fun.  The sun was bright.  Hence my squinty eyes.  LOL   It’s been a challenge since she has been up here.  Testing limits, testing if I really lover her still, wondering if I am sincere to my word, etc.  She has had a couple meltdowns but they haven’t lasted nearly as long as they have in the past.  I know she is struggling with being away from me.  I struggle with being away from her.  But, I told her today, we have 3 weeks together now.  We gotta get this figured out.  And if you are planning on coming back home with me, things need to change.  I think she finally realizes that she does have choices and her choices make a reaction from mom and grandma.  She sees that her negative choices lead to negative consequences.  I think she realizes that when she does what she needs to do and that, she is more apt to get to do the things she really wants to do.  I hope while we have our 3 weeks together that she and I can re-bond and also get some stuff set up so that she and grandma don’t have to butt heads all the time.

Going back to Mayo Clinic tomorrow to get a shot in my knee.  I am not sure what it is called, but I am praying and hoping that it helps longer than regular cortisone.  I will let ya know.

I have been so tired lately.  It’s like my butt is draggin.  I have been moving around more, exercising, walking.  I thought it was supposed to rev up my metabolism…..not make me so darn tired all the time.  I don’t know.  Still going to go to the Y tomorrow.  Need to workout a bit and then swim with K for awhile in the afternoon.  I know it’s all good for me.  Gotta get rid of the “saddlebags” on my hips/thighs.  I also want to improve my strength.  So lift a few weights.  I will keep praying and hoping all this stuff I am doing will pay off for me.  I know that one other thing is that I need to get an eating plan set up.  I need to stick by it and keep doing it.

My other concern lately is my spirituality.  Being or becoming centered.  I can’t quite seem to get to my peaceful self again.  I know I can do it…have done it before many times.  I talked with Adam again this last week.  We talked about what I want to do.  Where I want to be.  I talked to him about that I talked with Northwestern University in St. Paul. (I think that is what it was).  Major in psychology.  But yet, that isn’t exactly what I want to do.  I want to work with people.  I want to be with people.  I want to share what I have learned and what I know.  I know I have the tools and personal experience that may be helpful for others.  I have shared some things with friends going through stuff….I know it works.  Then I think about possibly doing healing touch and/or reiki.  I really want to do massage therapy but with the lupus and arthritis, I don’t think my joints and stuff in my hands could handle that as a job everyday.  I think I will be talking with Adam more about this next week.  I am glad that I have gone back to work with him for therapy.  I think that he can really help me.

Mom and Tiny leave for Texas this Wednesday.  The will be gone until nearly Easter.  I have no clue what I am going to do while down at her house while K is in school.  Take my computer and stuff.  Find some good reads.  Something.  Will have to think on that a bit more this week.

Have a great week.

Life and Everyday

Life and more

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?”
― Rumi

Me in the purple is the day of surgery 8.11.11

Me in the red is today 1.18.12

75 pound weight loss thus far

I finally got a picture to compare the beginning of my weight loss journey.  I can’t believe it’s only 5 months out and I have lost 75 pounds.  It’s been rough at times and easier at others.  But I wouldn’t change a thing.  Except maybe the puking part  LOL

Since moving to Woodbury, I have been trying to get things started again.  My diet, exercise, college (possibly), work, therapy, etc etc.  It seems like such a slow process at times.  I have some apps in for work, talked to a dude at Argosy about college work, and started with a new therapist today.  His name is Adam Chase.  He is really a nice man.  He seems very knowledgeable and insightful.  I was able to tell him about the situation with K and some of my history.  He is interested in helping me get K back home.  As I talked to him, I realize that I have been “sick” for nearly 60% of my life.  All I have known seems to be depression and anxiety and “craziness”.  For the past 2 year tho, I have come out of the fog of crap and lived a fairly good life.  I have not been hospitalized for nearly 2 years for anything due to mental health reasons.  Yeah, I have been in therapy, but it has been very helpful and I have learned so much about myself and life and choices and so much more.  My life has been about some horrible choices I have made.  But it’s how I decided to cope with everything around me.  I realize that sometimes it was just a plain ol’ cope out on my part.  But I am LIVING today.  I see things more clearly.  I have chosen to be better.  Do better.  Live better.  There are still some people in my life that see me as “sick Julie”, but I am not sick.  I am not what I used to be.  My thinking is clearer, my decisions are mostly better.  Yeah, I still make some pretty stupid mistakes somedays, but we all do.  Live and learn.

There are many of my friends who talk about setting goals for 2012.  I haven’t thought much about it because I hate setting them for fear of never attaining them.  So, failure is still something I am not comfortable with.  I haven’t decided whether or not I will still set out a few goals for myself this year or not.  I know it’s past the middle of January….where the heck has time gone already?

So….goals.  Hmmmmm.  I don’t want to say they are so much as goals as things I want to do this year.

1. Continue to lose weight to reach my goal of between 150-160 pounds

2. Continue and improve my exercise routine

3.  Keep on working on bettering myself and getting K home with me.

4.  Work on my relationships with my friends and family and make them better and healthier

5.  Be content

6. Continue to work on my faith and spirituality

So there ya go.  A few thoughts anyways.  I hope things continue to go as well as they have.  I don’t want to sound conceited or anything.  I just don’t wanna dive back into the old.  Life is good.

“Start a huge, foolish project, like Noah…it makes absolutely no difference what people think of you.”
― Rumi

Life and Everyday

Being Bold

For some people being bold is a hair style, “loud” clothing, driving a nice sports car, or even standing up for something you whole-heartily believe in.  I am doing more of the latter these days.

This weeks in the series BOLD at , Pastor Craig is talking about praying bold prayers.  There is nothing that my God can not handle.  I believe that God can heal me.  I believe that God can heal you as well.

What you pray for often reflects what you believe about God.  I have been praying small prayers.  God, help me get through this day, again.  God, please help me to have the energy to get all that I need to get done, done.  God, watch over my daughter. Let her listen to her grandma today.

While those prayers are good, I have decided that I need to be more bold in what I pray for.  I have seen God do amazing things.  He has brought a friend who was pronounced dead, back to life.  GOD is BOLD.  The least I can do for Him is be BOLD for Him.

On their release, Peter and John went back to their own people and reported all that the chief priests and elders had said to them. 24 When they heard this, they raised their voices together in prayer to God. Acts 4:23-24

“Sovereign Lord,” they said, “you made the heaven and the earth and the sea, and everything in them. 25 You spoke by the Holy Spirit…27 Indeed Herod and Pontius Pilate met together with the Gentiles and the people of Israel in this city to conspire against your holy servant Jesus, whom you anointed. 28 They did what your power and will had decided beforehand should happen. Acts 4:24-25; 27-28

As I being to pray for more BOLDNESS, I want to pray for more MIRACLES to happen.  I believe this can happen to anyone, anywhere.

Stand up for what you believe in, help those who need your help.  You can make a difference.  I am taking up this challenge, won’t you?