GIT ON THE STRUGGLE BUS…NOW!!!

I will be the first to admit that currently I am driving the struggle bus. There is plenty of room aboard if you wish to ride. There are rules.

1. I am in charge.
2. Sit down and shut up.
3. The radio will play at all times – I am in charge of the station!
4. I will sing loudly, and at times in a British accent if I am feeling cheeky.
5. My parking skills are questionable, at best, but you are not permitted to complain.
6. I reserve the right to complain about the driving skills of others, but you may not judge mine (it is my bus, if you don’t like it….get off!)
7. Cursing on my bus does not count (trust me, God and I have it worked out).

That being said, we are moving on. Some people classify themselves as glass half full or glass half empty kind of people, not me. I consider myself more of a, I am just really glad we had something to pour into the glass, kind of girl. I can hear some of you groaning, right now about being all negative. Well, shut up! This is my blog, and I am a realist. I call it like I see it. Life is hard folks, wear a helmet! I mean really, when was the last time poop came out smelling like roses?

There comes a point where you want to go shopping at 2am because if one more person asks you how you are doing with that pathetic look on their face and their head turned to the side, you just might vomit on their shoes! Yes, the kid is still ADHD. Yes, she is still dancing and playing minecraft as well. Yes, she throws a major fit now and then and tables get overturned and flood goes flying but she still is 12. No, I  still don’t have a job.  No, I don’t care to discuss that today thank you. I know I look tired, and I am well aware that is code for my dark circles I have dark circles and you are worried that I am going to go off the deep end. I am absolutely positive the little white lie was invented for me, “I’m fine, thank you.”

While I speak of driving the struggle bus, the one thing I don’t want is people feeling sorry for me. That is the last thing I want. I have people say to me over and over that they don’t know how I do it. How do I deal with my daughter’s illnesses and my own, keep up the house, get to the appointments, keep looking for work, find time to write letters and keep up with friends and family.   I started walking again, to release some of that stress that I have. If I am having a horrible day, I simply walk until I my hip and leg can’t take it anymore. And the pain it brings is a welcome one. My other answer; one moment at a time. In the morning I put my feet on the floor, I take a deep breath, I get up out of bed, and I put one foot in front of each other. Some days the only thing I can find to be thankful for is another day vertical, and that has to be enough. The thing is, I know it is. Face up, deep breath, tomorrow will be a better day!  It’s gotta be, right?

Then there is Jack.  Little Jack goes with me.  His little legs keep up with me when I walk.  He’s a trooper.

jack

 

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Struggling to make ends meet

 

I am struggling right now with finances since moving. The job front is still pretty much all turn downs (4 more this past week alone). I found out last week that I am not eligible for any more stafford loans for school. Although I am enrolled and doing classes, I am trying and searching ways to pay for this last stretch.  The Federal Government has changed it’s rules regarding Pell Grants as well.  I do not qualify for them anymore as well.  I tried this new loan they have out called a SELF loan, but everyone who signs up for it needs a co-signer.  CO-SIGNER??  I am freakin 42 years old and I need a co-signer.

Digging deep within myself, I asked my mom about co-signing.  She freaked out.  She is nearing retirement age and all these what if’s.  Dad’s not here with us anymore.  it’s been 12 years since he passed away.  My mom still needs him to make these financial decisions.  That is what she tells me.  I get it.  I understand her hesitancy.  I don’t want her to co-sign.  I don’t want anyone to for that matter.  I have been scouring the net for scholarships and grants etc.  I have signed up, written for a few of them that are coming due with deadlines.  I keep thinking how many other thousands of people are signing up or trying for these as well as me?  What are the chances of me getting one?  slim to none…..

K is finally back home with me, I am trying to get things in place for medical care for her and assistance etc. I am doing what I can with what I have here. I just need some bold amazing prayers…..Something needs to happen….I gotta make this work. Pray for a good job to come about. and finances for college to get this done for onto a better paying job.

On a side note…K’s tonsils are out!!  She is quite the trooper for sailing through surgery so well.  I will be heading back down after class….about 7pm….then K and I will head back up this direction tomorrow morning.  Lots of driving.  Lots of gas.  Luckily the price of gas went down a bit here in MN this week.  Still costed me nearly $40 to fill my tank full last night.  geesh.

I had therapy today with Adam.  I was a bit emotional.  Lots going on in my head.  I need to get back to regular blogging and writing out what life is and how I am doing with it.  I have a to-do list a mile long.  Just need more time to figure out how to get it all done.

Keep K and me in your prayers.  We love you guys.

 

some people

Struggling a bit with some things said by a person I went to college with years and years ago. Have not seen this person since graduation day in 1990. Since then, they have gone their way…I have gone mine.

Apparently he says that “They post an endless stream of inane “positive” posters and sayings featuring kittens and rainbows and such drivel. She talks a good game, but what she should do is shut (what we call) the f*ck up and get on with it. She is a black hole of emotional need and is constantly posting in order to garner praise/reassurance from her ‘yes’ squad who tickle her ears and reinforce her delusions of moving in right direction. *Yawn*” and ” …and you think you are the only source of information about you? A little naive.”

I know I need to just let this go. But bothers me that people whom I haven’t had contact in years think they know so much about me NOW. and that YOU my friends here and otherwise are my “yes” squad?? hmmmmmm

accountability partner

I have been thinking a lot about finding an accountability partner.  I actually have 2-3 different people in mind.

An accountability partner is a person who coaches/encourages another person in terms of helping the other person keep a commitment.

I think for me it would be that I need a person to help me stay focused and committed on my walk with Christ. Also in the area of not giving up where college is concerned. Like being my cheerleader when I want to give up on everything.  Someone who won’t let me get away with excuses, but remind me of the “big picture”.

These person’s will have to stand firm and not let me “excuse” my way through not doing something.  Even if it gets hard for me.  I have a tendency to find an excuse to not do something.  I need that push to keep going right now.  I find myself, not so much wallowing in self pity, but that inner voice in my head telling me “You can’t possibly think you can do this.”    This partner will help me stay focused on my goals and the steps I am taking to get there.

I believe that accountability partners are fellow strugglers too.   They are not any more perfect in life than me.  They know the struggle.  They have also seen successes.  We need to define and implement some guidelines for what accountability looks like and be able to check in with one another often.

Accountability will help me to become more aware of my actions and take responsibility for them.  The Bible sets up some guidelines for accountablity too:

  • Active listening is essential to developing trust. James 1:19 says, “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
  • A non-judgmental attitude is another essential element. Remember, we can be accepting of an individual while being discerning of the situation. Matthew 7:1-2 says, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
  • Caring for each other is also essential. 1 John 4:21 says, “And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.”
We need to share clear goals and know what we need to do to achieve them. It is easier to reach those goals that way than to keep the commitment by myself.  A good accountability partner must be the kind of person who takes pleasure in seeing others have success and has the “I’ll do whatever it takes to be successful” attitude. He or she must be able to motivate, challenge, and encourage you. They must be someone you respect and enjoy spending time with. (thanks Dawn for that sharing this part with me).
Are you up for that task?  I know I am.  Let’ s do it!!  and ……

something from Brennan Manning

Brennan Manning, author of The Ragamuffin Gospel, writes the following:

“When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt. I hope and get discouraged. I love and I hate. I feel bad about feeling good. I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games.”
He writes his words to understand — to explore the context of his
paradoxes.

Every paradox is connected to a chapter in our story. Every day you
live is part of the plot, the adventure, the mystery called life.

We pray for God to remove our bad times, our crisis moments, our
illnesses and our tragedies. Then if he doesn’t, we struggle with more
than paradoxes. We struggle with God, and at times, we pout a bit.

Pouting and blaming God doesn’t stop the pain, but it does stop the
story, giving us emptiness instead of understanding.

Your life is bigger than any problem or crisis or set-back. You just
need time to let God help you see the context, the background, and the
back-story. Pray for eyes that see beyond your vision.