Life and Everyday

Another meltdown tonight

parkerpq1K had another meltdown tonight. Enough that it brought the manager down again. Her meltdowns are warranting disturbances to neighbors which are now being told to the manager……now I understand why the manager brought me the letter with big letters that say we need to be out by June 1. K is just causing too much noise to the neighbors. They think she is hurting me. The last one when the police came, she had hurt me.

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about how I am dealing or not dealing with her behavior. I have asked her what she really needs from me. What can mom do to make this easier for you? She tells me, “I don’t know”. So I keep embracing K which does not mean that I am ignoring her misbehavior. I am trying to tailor how I respond to her behavior in a way that makes more sense to her. But this is also my hang up too. I run out of effective ways to respond. Her reactions are like fireworks and the explovsives are everywhere. But I am trying.

I went to my therapy today and as I was talking, my therapist said something to me that was like a dagger in my heart. He said to me,”you give up your dream of who K should have been and accept her for who she is”. super mom He told me that I will be able to match my response to K’s behavior and then become an effective parent.

Acceptance. I understand but I had never realized that I had always wanted to much more for her. For her to be different, like my friend’s daughters. Stab my heart. I cried and cried and cried. How do I even accept myself? Not just with this, but just finding out that I have been diagnosed with a genetic disorder that doesn’t have a cure. I go in for an echocardiogram tomorrow morning (the 7th). I am scared. I am a single mom. I don’t have anyone to be with me. I have been trying to to increase my support system. But I work on K’s first, make sure she has everything she needs first. Then first in my own stuff. I am working on controlling my emotions right now because K sees me cry, and she worries too much. She tells me that I’m not trying hard enough.  Trying what not hard enough?
I don’t know what to do now?  Control my emotions.  That is what I do.  Breathe.  Keep my mouth shut and listen.  Meditation.  Breathe.  Don’t talk.  Listen. Clench my teeth, but do not say a word, just listen.  But always tell K that I love her, no matter what, no matter where.  Always and forever.  From the moon and around the sun….in the stars and back again.  Patience.  Smile.  Breathe.  Listen.  Smile.  Love her.  Just love on her.more patience

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Life and Everyday

So far so good…

So far so good this morning. Although, getting K motivated to get moving this morning was quite the challenge.  I don’t like getting frustrated with her so early in the morning but she just has to get moving to make it to the bus by 7am.  I know that is dang early.  I mean, as kids growing up, we didn’t have to get on the bus until 7:30 out on the farm.  It’s also picture retake day, so I wanted to make sure I could get her hair done too.  But alas, we got it all done in about 15 minutes.  I hope her hair makes it.  LOL  I suppose, if not, life will not end.  Never does.  It’s only school pics.

Peggy called me this morning and we talked about K’s lack of organization and inattention in regards to her homework and doing school work at school.  Also about Kindle time too.  I need to say Yes more often but I feel like if I keep saying yes, she will run all over me.  I think it’s all in reframing in how I use the YES you can play on the Kindle.  She does her homework, when she remembers to bring it home.  She loves and remembers to bring her math home….it’s just all the other stuff.  Do I still let her play on the Kindle then?  Even if she “forgets” to bring her other work home?  I think the school needs to work with me a bit more.  I think they are dropping the ball, I am trying to do my part and I believe K is doing her part to the best she can at this time too.  I just don’t know.  K has an IEP, but something needs to be done a bit differently.  Not sure what, but I will figure it out.

While thinking about K and all her stuff, I have been thinking a lot about yesterday’s boat load of appointments and things that happened.

I met my new psychiatrist yesterday.  She was pretty darn awesome.  She wasn’t scattered as the last one I had.  She actually took the time to talk to me and get to know me.  She didn’t rush me out of the office either.  She asked me questions and got to know who I was.  I was surprised.  I told her I thought I was on too many medications.  She agreed.  So we are going to try to get me off some of them.  Starting with the xanax.  So that is the start.  She increased my topamax tho, which is good to counter-act this other med that I am taking that has the side effect of weight gain.  I certainly don’t need to gain anymore weight.  Told her about my bulimia stuff a bit also.  She is glad that I am working with Adam and Amanda.  She is also very glad that I will be starting the DBT group soon too.  (Speaking of, DBT, I will be going 3 days a week starting the first week in Nov.)

Then I met with Adam.  Had lots to say when I met with him too.  After writing about and being real and transparent about this past bulimic thing, I finally feel like I made my first step in honesty in dealing with this.  I don’t know if I will always be this honest about my eating behaviors.  I will probably hit denial again because that is how I deal with stuff sometimes, but when talking with Adam, it felt like I hit that spot of contentment for a moment again.  I hadn’t felt that for a long time.  I didn’t feel angry or frustrated or hurt or sad or anything.  I was calm.  Content.  It was weird.  Just for that moment.  Nice.

Anyways, back to today…..

K has therapy today.  So we’ll talk to Peggy again this afternoon.  I pick her up about 2pm.  I hope that she will have all the homework that she needs to have so that she can participate in the party that they are having in her classroom tomorrow.  She says that she believes that she can do it…I believe that she can get this done also.

I have no words of wisdom today.  Nothing profound to say.  Life is just going on today.  Hope your day is going well.

 

 

Life and Everyday

soooo…..

never let anyone treat my daughter this way

 

I went to therapy again to talk with Adam today.  We talked about K mostly.  About the fact she asked about her father again.  She asked me last night if I had a picture of him.  I don’t know if I do or not.  I know I have seen one around here somewhere in a box or something.  I told Adam that I wasn’t sure I wanted to show it to her yet.  But he said that maybe I should.  Why?  I don’t want to hurt her.  But I know she has that right to know what he looks like.  she has that right to know the good qualities he has too.  Adam and I talked about that also.  Besides all the crap that he had done to me and then leaving me before she was even born…..he does/did have some great qualities about him, otherwise I would have never been with him in the first place.  I did love him at one time in my life.  It does make me really sad that he doesn’t and hasn’t ever seen her or had anything to do with her.  She doesn’t even know him at all.  I can’t imagine what kind of pain that is for her.

My dad passed away when I was 30.  I knew my dad.  I mean, I grew up, knowing my dad and what he was like and who he was and is and what he liked and didn’t like….I still remember….even 13 year later.  And I miss him.

I guess i need to look for that picture.  And ask a few of my old friends if they have a picture of him and me together when we lived back in that area in Iowa.  There were good days.

Life and Everyday

Thinking about a revision of my VSG

I went to see a new bariatric doc here in the Cities last week or the week before.  Can’t remember if I wrote about it or not.  I asked him about having a revision done with my VSG.  He said he wasn’t sure that would be a good thing because I have lost a fair amount of weight that was in the range of what the VSG surgery was supposed to do.  But I am not where I want to be.  I don’t look like I want.  I don’t weigh what I want either.  I know that is a head thing for me, but something I want to do and be.  something I have always wanted.

So I have been reading up on some of this stuff.  I want to share what I have found.  Let me know what you think.

Of course there are risks with revision surgery.  As with any surgery, there are risks.

  • Revision weight loss surgery procedures generally take longer.
  • Open incisions are frequently but not always needed.
  • There is greater blood loss.
  • Leaks and infections occur more frequently. It is thought that leak rates increase due to changes in blood flow to the stomach caused by the original weight loss surgery.

Here are some of the reasons they give for a revision

  • A patient may not adapt well to the lifestyle required after a particular bariatric surgery.
  • Perhaps a specific bariatric surgery does not address the metabolic needs of a patient.
  • There are anatomical changes made to a patient’s body during bariatric surgery and these changes are not always maintained.
  • the pouch may stretch and become larger
  • the outlet of a gastric pouch may increase in diameter
  • a gastro-gastric fistula may form between the gastric pouch and the bypassed stomach
  • the intestine may increase its absorptive abilities beyond what was expected
  • restriction may decrease as a result of a band slippage

Unresolved Co-Morbities

Medical Complications

As a result of bariatric surgery, some patients do have medical complications that must be treated with revision bariatric surgery. In some cases, treating medical complications with revision bariatric surgery will be similar to the treatments previously discussed for mechanical and metabolic failure, but others may require reversal of the original bariatric surgery while weight loss is preserved. Possible medical conditions requiring revision include the following:

  • ulcer
  • stricture
  • severe dumping
  • malnutrition
  • over-malabsorption
  • metabolic bone disease
  • iron deficiency/anemia
  • vitamin deficiency
  • vitamin-D deficiency
  • thiamine (vitamin B-1) deficiency

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I had the VSG surgery done.  Aug 11, 2011.  My highest weigh ever has been 356 pounds.  My weight now is 243.  I know that is still heavy.  I know I have lost weight.  But I also know this is NOT where I want to be.  That may sound really selfish and vain.  But I want to look good and feel good for once in my life.  I want the whole package.  Is that too much to ask?  I am trying to get my brain in the game.  I went to the Emily Program today.  It’s a eating disorder clinic here.  I talked with a therapist there.  I know this is really odd considering what I am writing about today.  So I know my thinking is off.  I know that.  I know I need to work on my thoughts.  But that doesn’t change my want to at the moment.

So, anyways…I am going to keep reading and keep researching and keep talking to Dr. Kelly and the dietician and this new therapist and my other therapist.  Maybe some of you reading have some words of wisdom?  Let me know.

 

 

Life and Everyday

Something to think about

self_thumb

I had therapy today and we talked about lots of things pertaining to life.  I have my 25th high school reunion next weekend and I have no clue what to say to people when then ask what I have done during that time.  I don’t remember most of it.  I wasn’t on drugs.  I wasn’t drunk.  I was ill.  I was depressed.  I was full of anxiety.  I was checked out of life.  So my therapist and I talked about some of that.  He also told me about what I posted next.  It’s something that just has me going hmmmmm?  what do you think?

1. You are not your mind.

The first time I heard somebody say that, I didn’t like the sound of it one bit. What else could I be? I had taken for granted that the mental chatter in my head was the central “me” that all the experiences in my life were happening to.

I see quite clearly now that life is nothing but passing experiences, and my thoughts are just one more category of things I experience. Thoughts are no more fundamental than smells, sights and sounds. Like any experience, they arise in my awareness, they have a certain texture, and then they give way to something else.

If you can observe your thoughts just like you can observe other objects, who’s doing the observing? Don’t answer too quickly. This question, and its unspeakable answer, are at the center of all the great religions and spiritual traditions.

(full post found here)
I will be posting more from this list later on…..more things to ponder….
Life and Everyday

Letting go

 

In therapy yesterday we talked about letting go.  Especially letting go of the need of the approval of my mom.  For some reason, I still play into that need with her.  It’s like I don’t want to let her down.  I feel like I have spent over half my life letting her and my dad down by being “sick”.  Now I feel like I need to prove to her that I am well and doing well.

We also talked about taking sides.  Since my dad passed away, there has been a huge riff in my family.  My sister dislikes my brother very much and vice versa.  My sister is angry with my mom and vice versa.  I’m just kind of on the outside looking in yet  Adam said that I am taking sides.  My mom and brother get along fairly well.  I know I need to step out and step back because this is not my issue or problem…it’s theirs.  I know where I want to be and it’s not in the middle of the drama and mess between them all.  I want to be supportive of both but the scale is unevenly balances.  My brother talks to me.  My sister doesn’t.  She hasn’t spoken to me in months.  Usually it’s just once a year, at Christmas because she “has” to.  But anyway, that is another story.

So, I have been reading on how to let go of needing approval. Here is the website I got this from : http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-the-need-for-approval-to-start-thriving/

HOW TO LET GO OF THE NEED FOR APPROVAL

1. Build a sound sense of self-acceptance.

The first step is to strengthen your core foundation so that you feel strong enough to go with what feels right for you. This way, you will no longer feel the need to look to others to feel good enough about your choices and decisions.

Keep a self-appreciation journal, where you start acknowledging daily or a few times a week the things you’re most proud of about yourself: choices you’ve made, insights you’ve learned, things you like about yourself, times you’ve stayed true to yourself, or whatever feels right for you.

2. Let go of seeking validation from others.

Secondly, you need to practice letting go of seeking validation for your choices and most importantly, for whom you choose to be.

This means noticing your language, self-talk, and behavior, and identifying when it is coming from wanting someone else to say you’re ok, that you made the right choice, or that you did the right thing.

Instead, when you do make a decision, check in with yourself that it feels right, remind yourself that it is your choice, and give yourself validation for just being you.

3. Evaluate tasks based on approval-seeking efforts.

Lastly, start being honest with yourself when you take on a new task or commitment, whether you are doing it because it is “right” for you or because you want to get approval and avoid disapproval.

Sit down and evaluate your weekly tasks and ask yourself what is really necessary and important, and what is driven by people pleasing. Then slowly work through the “people pleasing” list and eliminate them.

How has the need for approval impacted your life?

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I think I will copy these three things into a Word document and hang it up so I can read it often.  I need to trust myself more.  Maybe that is where it starts for me.  Trust.  (that will be a topic for another time too.)

 

 

Life and Everyday

Monday…..

 YAY!!  I have a job interview in the morning.  I am excited and nervous all at the same time.  I so want and need a job.  I just need to feel more productive than I have been.  I am doing stuff everyday but it all feels kinda rut like…if that makes sense.  I feel a bit of sadness/depression creeping in.  I don’t want or need that.  Especially when things are actually going pretty well.

I want things to just work out.  I have been doing well for almost 3 years with no hospitalizations other than surgery.  My mental health is finally stabilized where I feel pretty “normal”.  LOL  I hate that word.  I am still in therapy …see a counselor once a week.  Which is a life line for me most days.  Just being able to ask questions and get some different ideas on how to cope and deal with stuff is good for me.  Sometimes I wonder if I am too “therapized”.  LOL

Talked to my mom today.  She is doing better.  She had a tooth pulled this week and then when they pulled it….the crown came off the tooth next to it.  I really feel for her.  I am not fond of dentists.  LOL  K is doing good too.  Mom said she had kind of a rough day today.  This little boy in her class keeps hugging her and touching her when she doesn’t want him to.  I keep telling her to keep saying no to him and tell him to keep his hands off ya.  I also said that if he doesn’t listen to tell her teacher.  I hope that this kind of stuff stops.  This other kid is quite a big boy.  I don’t want her to be intimidated by him or anyone else.  I want her to be strong and stand up for herself.  It’s so hard to teach that sometimes.  Especially when it has been so hard for me in the past.  I better at it now….wayyyy better.  I don’t put up with much crap anymore.  LOL

I am starting a creative journal.  I want to start drawing and doodling again.  Maybe making collages or something.  I need to get to that calming part of me again.  I used to LOVE art work.  I got a really good book today in the mail.  Also got a new Judy Moody book for K and me for this weekend.  I will be traveling to Iowa again for the weekend.  I am excited about it.

Life is really ok right now.  So strange for me to say that.  But it truly is….and I am truly blessed.