Thinking back over 2015

My word for this year was JOY. hmmm.

When I was young and going to Bible school at DeerCreek Lutheran Church, I remember learning that joy represented:

J= Jesus

O= Others

Y= You

That was for us to remember the order in which we pray and give thanks.  Jesus first, then for others,  then yourself.  I still think that is a pretty cool formula!

I want to do more thinking and writing on this subject of joy and what it has meant to me throughout this past year. I will do more in the coming days. 💜

a morning brain fog: can’t sleep

It’s not just the physical pain that woke me up…well that is what triggered it…..my foot pain is much worse than it should be tonight/this early morning…..I know I over did everything Wednesday.  I had two appointments back to back.  Trying to get in and out of the car with this stupid boot on my foot….I am not supposed to put any weight on my foot….well I did and I am paying for it ….dearly.  And hugely.  My toes are soooo swollen.  They are huge and look like blue fat sausages.

sausage toes 9.18

 

you’d think after having 3 previous surgeries, I’d learn….I guess I just don’t remember it hurting this bad.  Of course the other docs didn’t take bone marrow out of my heel either to put into my other bones and also didn’t have to take out broke screws that were inside the bones to begin with either.  This surgery was messed up to begin with.  The previous docs were idiots…..idk.

so anyway, i took half a pain pill after getting home with K after her dance practice tonight around 6.  then again around 10 took the other half.  went to bed….about midnight woke with stabbing pain, took another half…..and now again…..stabbing pain…..I hate this.  It’s nearly 4am…I am sitting on my couch with the recliner up….my foot throbbing still.  Can’t take another pill for a bit yet.

So’s anyway, I am whining….complaining.  so let me write something worthwhile to read about if I can.  Let me pick my brain to see if it’s awake enough to come up with something  LOL

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My mind is in a fog, when you are depressed it is almost a tangible thing, like a person. Something you expect to come up behind you and tap you on the shoulder. But when it does, you turn around and find yourself looking in the mirror, because that is all it is, you.

Some days the tears just feel like they want to come out on their own. I do not have anything to cry about, I am happy; life is good. Yet at the slightest inkling of something, I feel the tears coming. It does not matter what it is, just cue the waterworks. I call it my leaky eyes.

Sometimes little things bring it on, like lack of sleep or more importantly a change in routine. Routine is important for someone like me, so depression brings eating the same food over and over, watching the same movie on repeat. Which is how I feel most of the time, sort of like life is on repeat.  Even the change in the weather will do it to me.

Nevertheless, I carry on, move forward with life and try not to isolate myself from the rest of the world in the process. It is tough, like walking through a thick mud when you try to move. Still I’m left to carry on where I left off the day before.

I have a list a mile long of things to be done. Okay, maybe not a mile long, but for me a very long list. I am lucky if I get the top few things on that list done which are typically the easiest things, before I shut down. However, it is what I have do, day in day out. Trying to accomplish as much as I can before that magic moment when I hit my proverbial invisible wall and cannot find the will to continue.

With chronic pain, chronic fatigue, fibro, and a recovering with a broken foot, my list keeps getting longer and my proverbial wall keeps getting taller.  My frustration gets more and more insurmountable.

Most people have at least one person, a spouse, significant other, close friends, relatives, etc that live pretty close to them that are readily available to help and go to bat with and for them.  Well, I have my mom, 2 hours away, who came to be with me and K for my surgery and to stay for a couple days then left to go on her trip to Tennessee with her cousin.  I talk to her daily while on this trip…she checks in to make sure I am ok, but that doesn’t help me physically with this challenging time.  Where is everyone else?  No clue.

I do have relatives in the area.  Probably less than 20 miles away or so.  But I have not heard or seen anything from them.  Pretty sure they know I have had this surgery.  I know they know about my other stuff going on as well.  They do know I am a single mom.  Anyone help out?  Nope.  Have I reached out?  No.  Should I have to?  I don’t think I should have to either.  You would think that people would know from having other friends and family in their lives that sometimes folks just need others.  Maybe I am naive or have too high of expectations.  I don’t know.  Maybe I think they need to be mind readers.  Maybe I do need to call them.  But then that is a risk of me making them feel like I am putting them out.  Would that guilt them into coming all the way over here to help me?  Would that put a crimp in their busy day of doing their family stuff?  I don’t know.

Yes, I am afraid to ask.  I am afraid to ask for help.  Because I have been turned down so many times that I don’t want to bother anyone anymore.  I just do it all by myself.  The only way to get it done is to do it myself.

I don’t know.  I do have friends that would love to help me….but they live states away….Washington, Kansas, Arkansas, Texas, Iowa…etc.  But here I am in Minnesota.  I have friends across the Cities and haven’t heard from any.  Hmmmmmm…….I don’t know.  I just don’t know anymore.

 

 

 

 

#3 More Stuff to Think About

As promised…..more stuff to think about.  What a journey….trying to clear my mind of negative thinking is harder than I thought.  Mindfulness is hard.  But working on it daily.

Hence….#3

3. Quality of life is determined by how you deal with your moments, not which moments happen and which don’t.

I now consider this truth to be Happiness 101, but it’s amazing how tempting it still is to grasp at control of every circumstance to try to make sure I get exactly what I want. To encounter an undesirable situation and work with it willingly is the mark of a wise and happy person. Imagine getting a flat tire, falling ill at a bad time, or knocking something over and breaking it – and suffering nothing from it. There is nothing to fear if you agree with yourself to deal willingly with adversity whenever it does show up. That is how to make life better. The typical, low-leverage method is to hope that you eventually accumulate power over your circumstances so that you can get what you want more often. There’s an excellent line in a Modest Mouse song, celebrating this side-effect of wisdom: As life gets longer, awful feels softer.

full article here

Another thing to think about

In a previous post, I reposted about you are not your mind.  Well here is number 2.

2. Life unfolds only in moments.

Of course! I once called this the most important thing I ever learned. Nobody has ever experienced anything that wasn’t part of a single moment unfolding. That means life’s only challenge is dealing with the single moment you are having right now. Before I recognized this, I was constantly trying to solve my entire life — battling problems that weren’t actually happening. Anyone can summon the resolve to deal with a single, present moment, as long as they are truly aware that it’s their only point of contact with life, and therefore there is nothing else one can do that can possibly be useful. Nobody can deal with the past or future, because, both only exist as thoughts, in the present. But we can kill ourselves trying.

 

Today I am living in the moment.  Heading to Iowa for a family reunion (not excited) and then to my 25th high school reunion.   I have not been to a single high school reunion since leaving high school.  I am not sure why I agreed to go now.  I need to talk myself into not feeling self conscious about what I look like (an old high school thought) and what people think of me (another old high school thought).  I don’t really have an explanation for what I have done with the last 25 years of my life other than live it.  I don’t have my dream job nor perfect house and family.  It’s just me  and K.  We live.  We laugh.  We love.  We mess up.  We clean up.  We live.  That’s it.  That will have to do.

So for now….have a great weekend.  See you when I get back.  Maybe I will have some pics.???

busy but lonely

 

When I think about who I really have in my life, I get really sad. Sure, I have “friends” and a little bit of a social life, and I keep very busy. I still feel like if I really needed someone, I would be stranded. I still don’t have anyone in my everyday daily life to talk to. All of my so-called-friends have lives of their own with their families and jobs.  Even on reality shows about people who are so screwed up (intervention, true life, etc), they have families and close friends who are in their lives that care about them. Everyone I know has family to lean on, or real best friends. If I had an emergency, I don’t know who I would turn to. My mom lives nearly 2 hours away.  Some of my family couldn’t really give a hoot about what is going on with me and K.  

My new job is keeping me busy and meeting new people all the time.  But not sure I can trust folks yet.  You know how people talk and stuff at jobs and such….I like them, they are great people, but I just don’t know.

SO, if I am occupied, friendly, open, etc.. then why am I so lonely, why do I still feel like I have no one to count on, why am I still single?  Why is no one there for me?  Why do I let the loneliness get to me that I let people in my life just to use me and I don’t catch it until it’s too late?

 

I love my family, most of them love me, God loves me and teaches me new things every day. My life isn’t so bad. I’ve got people who at least accept my silly side, even if they don’t accept the serious me with problems. 
And yet every day I realize over and over again, as the sun goes down, that I’m remarkably lonely. It’s bad at night, but sometimes it’s also hard in the daytime. I might be out somewhere and suddenly I almost see myself third person and i’m alone. I really am, even though i’m with my family or friends or even at work.  The kids are great.  The other teachers are nice too…but the loneliness gets to me. 
I feel like there is someone i’m missing. I feel almost as if a part of my family that walked out of my life a long time ago, and everyone agreed to never mention them again act like they never existed. But I don’t think that happened. I just feel like it did. 
Being a single mom doesn’t help matters much.  Who wants to date a single mom?  Shrug.

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Do I Make a Difference

By: Kathleen Harvard (View Profile)

I always believed 

I would do more I would do more with my life,

Be a better provider, A better listener, A better example.  
A better parent
Higher my education, higher my standards
Most of all, spend quality time with my family.  
At a table, under trees, near a river, at the museum.  
Leaving the past behind, keeping a positive
outlook for the future,
As the string to hold this all together
I would have Faith.  
Bonds that tie, unconditional love.  
Last night I realized, this may be unrealistic,
I have grown tired, feel misused,  
at times useless, and lonely, wondering if
I make any difference,
Today, I pray for new inspiration, a smile
is enough, I pray to hold onto the willingness
To be willing to keep trying  …

ramblings

  doing some thinking back……not sure what i want to write tonight, but feel like things are sort of out of control.  Everyone likes to have control of their lives, their destinies, their families, etc etc.  But right now, life is a little crazy and out of control for me.  I don’t really have a direction.  I am not really sure what is next for me.  I know that I am packing up my apartment.  Getting ready for Christmas at mom’s for a few days.  Then coming back here to finish up packing for leaving next Wednesday. I will be moving to Minnesota.  I will be living with my good friend, Robin.  I hope that I will be able to figure out what I want to, where I want to be, and what’s next in my life.  Jim is a part of my life too.  I really am starting to care for this man.  He is/holds the qualities that I admire so much.  He loves kids.  He loves his family.  He loves what he does.  He works hard.  He plays hard.  He is genuine and caring.  It’s just been amazing to meet a man who is so connected.  I hope we can continue to get to know each other and spend time together.

Christmas is about here.  4 days.  Are you ready?  I am, but I am not.  My mind isn’t really in the right mind set this season.  God has been so good to me this year.  Brought me through many things I didn’t know or think that I would make it though.  2 major surgeries this year.  big fights with my friend that I thought was the end of a very long friendship.  lots of anger and unsettled-ness in my family.  K’s difficulties with living with grandma and grandpa.  Her hurts and struggles in school.  Her anger.  Her feelings of not fitting in and not thinking people care.  I want to take away that pain.  But I can’t.

New beginnings again for 2012.  I am thinking of what I want to do this next year.  What kind of goals I want to accomplish.  The list making begins.  I have to remember to be realistic.  I also need to remember that God will be with me and help me through all the things that I need/want to do this next year.  I need to remember that friends and family will continue to be supportive.

He will comfort me in the middle of my trials.  He will be there.

Waiting

I have been up and about since about 5:30 AM this morning.  I got a lot done before it was even 11 AM.  I came back from WalMart and decided to take a short nap.  It ended up being 2 hours.  How come when you sleep the time seems to go by faster?  It’s so weird.

This afternoon, it feels like I am waiting.  Not sure what I am waiting for, but it just seems like something should be going on.  It’s quiet here, except for the sound of the AC turning on and off.  The sun is bright and warm.  But I wait.  I keep thinking I oughta be doing something, anything.  But I don’t know what.

In the quietness, I think.  I wonder how my friends are doing.  Should I text them and see what’s up?  Should I just keep reading facebook and figure it out for myself?  Then I wonder if I have any fences to mend.  Did I let some people down this week?  Who?  Do I need to apologize?  Do I need to just move on?  Waiting……. the answers aren’t coming.

So I take a deep breath. Stare at the computer screen and just get lost in the nothingness.  Maybe my brain is still sleeping?  Maybe I should go for another drive?  But where?  and Why?

Waiting is weird for me.  I mean I wait in doctor offices.  That doesn’t bother me much (unless I am in a hurry).  I waited to day in the check out line at WalMart.  That didn’t bother me much either.  I am still waiting to see if I get mail today.  Whatever.

We all wait it seems.  For what?

People on the East Coast right now are waiting for Hurricane Irene to hit where ever it is going to.  Taking the precautions where necessary.  People in Texas are waiting for it to rain and cool off some.  Don’t know what the people out on the West Coast are waiting for….maybe just going to the beach or meeting someone famous.  I don’t know.  People in the Mid-West are probably waiting for a little bit of rain or are just getting ready for harvest to be here.  Maybe the Minnesota State Fair.  (hehehe)

I think I need to change my thoughts some while I wait.  I know I am trying to be more positive and see the good before thinking of the bad.  I wonder if God waits for us?  He probably does sometimes.  Maybe He waits for us to make a decision to follow Him.  Maybe He waits for us to call on Him, call out to Him in prayer.  Maybe He waits for us to sing with praise.  Share His word.  Be His voice to other people.  I think God is good at waiting.  He sticks by us even when we are “ugly”, as my mom calls it.  I think He waits for us to make our next move.  Will it involve knowing what is right and what is wrong?  What truths He has set before us that we use in our decision making?

I sure know God is patient.  He waits for us to come back around when we wander away.  He’s always there when I come back.  He welcomes me with open arms.

All this waiting makes me think of a song.  It’s called “While I’m Waiting” by John Waller.  I will post it below so you can hear it.  Listen to the words.  “I will serve You while I’m waiting.  I will worship while I’m waiting.  I will not faint.  I’ll be runnin the race, even while I wait.”