When will it stop hurting?

When will it stop? I’m not sure.  I don’t think that pain will ever go away.

This morning started out like most Mondays, up at 5:30 am now, since K gets picked up earlier to go to her new school.  Got her ready and out the door.  I sat down on the couch and YOWZA!!  Pain surged through my body.  From my low back to my neck.  Every bone, muscle, fiber of my being hurt like it had hot stickers poking me.  I settled into the couch for just a bit, took my morning fistfull of medicine and just tried to relax.  I needed to be at the middle school to gather K’s things from her locker and turn in books from the library and her teacher’s room.

As I finally get my arse out the door, those damn steps….oh those steps down to the door.  My low back yelled at me like mad.  Made it to and out the door.  Then I see the garage door….oh good Lord, why today?  Why does everything have to hurt today??!!!  OK so…..in the car, crank the heat.  It’s cold out…oh so cold out.  Stupid Minnesota first days of winter.

Made it to the middle school.  Talked with those I needed to, almost lost it….tears and more tears.  But I made it.  Back in the cold and out to my car.  Dang, so not ready for cold.  Give me another few weeks to get used to this.  I’ll be better.

Then I made the decision I was going to go grab a few groceries at Weird World…I mean Wal Mart.  Am a freakin crazy??  I guess so.  I had to fly through the store because a social worker was coming to my place at 11am.  Walked so fast that I thought my feet were going to fly out from under me.  When all done and out to my car…..tears….tears…and more tears.  OMG!!  PAIN!!  How was I going to get these groceries up those stairs?  How?  How?  I cried and cried.  All the way back to the apartment, I had tears.  I thought about leaving them in the trunk but I couldn’t.  So, I took as many bags as I could handle at least semi-less-painfully.  Then the stairs……I thought I was going to die!!!  I got them up the stairs and opened my door and then literally dropped them on the floor.  Then back down again…..same feeling as previous….same pain as previous only more thumping in my body this time.  Push through like I always do…..up the stairs….open door…drop groceries on the floor.

Tears….I can’t just sit.  I have get them put away.  This lady will be here in a half hour.  Damn.  Tears.  One by one I get everything put away.  Sat down once again.  I don’t want to do it…but I did.  I took a pain pill.  I hate doing that!!!  Eventually the pain lessens.  The doorbell rings and she is here.  Long long chat and oodles of papers to sign.

So after all that “stuff”, I laid down and slept.  I thought I had set my alarm…..around 3pm, K comes walking in.  She is home from school.  OMG…..I missed my appointments at the ED clinic.  Oh they are going to be pissed at me.  *shakes head*

I don’t know why I get so angry when I lay down and rest some.  For years, I have pushed though all this pain and just do what I had to do.  It didn’t matter how crappy I felt, I just had to keep doing and going and being.

K is finally in bed.  I am still so tired.  I haven’t talked to Robert today except a few texts.  But guess what I am doing?  oh yes….a few loads of laundry.  And you know what else?  yup…still in pain.  Bones ache.  I know it’s just the coldness of winter coming on.  I will get used to the cold.  I always do.  The first month or so is hell for me though.

What was I saying?  oh yeah, still have pain.  I suppose I will take another pain pill.  Just so I can get through until I take my night time meds.  I have one dim light on and the tv.  Watching Dancing With the Stars.  Watching these stars dance, so nimble and effortless and beautiful.  I was and will never be a dancer.  I can’t move like that.  K is a dancer.  I love to watch.  Again some sadness, realizing there are so many things I can not do.  Still, they float on air…..

Sometimes I feel like I just float back up to the decent-ness of life.  Am I thankful?  Yes.  I think so.  This year I am not doing the usually 30 days of thankful mainly because it’s been such a hard hard year for me.  (which is probably why I should be doing it)  I am thankful, but it’s so hard to be thankful with so much other stuff happening that is not good.  I have tried to be more thankful.  I have all these shoulds in my head.  So I guess I will stop here.  Tomorrow is a new day.

no nothing

I went to the spine doctor….the next one that was supposed to do the rhizotomy.  But he said he didn’t think that I needed to have it done.  He thought I had an infection between my vertebrae.  So I went in for some bloodwork.  The office called me and no infection.  Now what?  I feel like I am still on that road of doctors throwing me from one to another.  I know where my pain is right now and they still don’t now what they are going to do.  He mentioned wanting to send me to a pain specialist.  I am so sick of going to different doctors.  This is just stupid.  I don’t know what is next.  All I do know is that I need to find some relief from my back pain.  I can’t go on not sleeping and hardly being able to move.  This sucks.

My finger is healing ok.  I get the stitches out next Wednesday.

I start physical therapy on Monday.  I hope they can help me.  I know it’s going to hurt for this too.  But I have to do something.  Doing nothing isn’t helping.  I think I am going to do some searching on the net for some ideas.  Maybe some other folks with similar things going on can offer some ideas.  Something I haven’t tried yet.

There is always hope, right?

Happy Mother’s Day! ♥

Funny Mother's Day Ecard: Hey Mama, You're makin' exhausted desperation look goooood.Happy Mother’s Day to all mom’s and grandmom’s out there….oh and mom’s to be too.  All aunties and and sisters and all the ladies….

I want to say, by all accounts, my daughter is kind and thoughtful.  She really does love to help people and has a huge heart.  I know she has a heart of gold.  I want to point out all these great things because even though she drives me absolutely NUTS somedays, she is my light and life.  After not being able to have her in my life for 2 and half years, not being able to see her everyday and hold her, I am glad she is finally home.  I love her hugs, her smiles, her dance, her song, her laughs.  She is growing up…..uffda.  Pre-teen is so very hard on this mama…..again..uffda.

Since being diagnosed with ADD and RAD, we have made some radical changes in our life.  Hers and mine.  The medicine she is taking has made a HUGE difference.  She is able to concentrate better.  Her school work is so much more easy for her.  She can focus and wow…..

Now to deal with the attachment stuff.  This is a huge adjustment for me.  I am learning how to parent in a different way.  It is so hard as I wasn’t raised in the way that parenting a child with reactive attachment needs to be parented.  I think the way my parents parented me and my siblings was TOUGH LOVE AND THE HAND!  And I am still pretty ok…. I think?

That’s just parenting. That’s the gig. It’s some kind of insane, child-rearing blood sport. Lord help us.

Back to Mother’s Day.  I think that it can be kind of stupid and obligatory, only because we’ve framed it wrong.  Mother’s day isn’t about claiming that mothers are better than other people or somehow more valuable.  We’re not.  There are zero requirements to becoming a mother and stupid people become mothers all the time.

I don’t think you somehow become more of a person when you become a mother. Your value is there from day one. You’re valuable just because, and there’s no amount of marrying or procreation or anything else makes you more legitimate as a person. So we can stop mother worship as a holiday.

But I kinda NEED Mother’s Day, OK?

I don’t need pink cards, or flowers, or certainly one of those swoopy necklaces or whatever. It’s not about that to me. You know what it’s about? Survival. I need a day when people that are important to me say, “Hey, I see you over there, and I know you’re just barely making it. Good job and I’m sorry and here’s a glass of wine or a margarita.”

It should be called “Motherhood Survival Day,” where all mothers are acknowledged not for doing it all right, or being magically worth treasuring, but just for making it through another year. Just for making it through an unending torrent of questions and comments about your daily activities, objections to whatever plans you’ve laid, several-times-daily accidental injuries to your person or property, unbridled emotions and—yes—the occasional southpaw smack to the face.

I come into and out of too many days feeling battered and bruised, not knowing if I can stitch together enough scraps of my remaining sanity to hold myself together. And I’m guessing a lot of mothers feel that way, too.

MothersDay

 

Tired body and mind

eyes

This post is brought to you with a heavy heart and tired body and mind. I haven’t been feeling all that well lately. Not quite sure exactly why…I think it’s a combination of many things.

Single Parenting… With K’s ADD and RAD, I have been at wit’s end with figuring out what to do with her and me and life and everything…..adjusting to everything….newness and things changing all the time
Work…I’m always exhausted. Seriously, I am sluggish all day long.  Feeling like my supervisor is constantly watching me after my warning a few weeks ago…..I feel like I can make NO mistakes at all.
Exercise…non existent.
Personal life…non existent.
Spiritual life……lacking big time….
I have to admit, I have a lot going on at the moment. Maybe too much, but it’s necessary. I think perhaps, I need to take better care of myself emotionally and physically to help my body cope with such a heavy work load. I feel depressed, but not quite…I don’t know just how to explain it; not quite sad, just down. I guess it’s just my body’s way of telling me…”I need some additional help.”  My body is breaking down.  I know I need to get in and see my GP.  I have physical issues that need to be addressed, but I can’t find time to get in there.  Kind of like trying to get into the chiro to get my neck and back fixed up, after falling on the ice a week and half ago….I have had a constant headache for 5 days now.  Can hardly see straight.  I continue to go to therapy for myself with Adam.  I also go to therapy with K….it’s a new therapy for attachment disorders.  For me this is quite stressful.


I think my body has been telling me exactly what it needs for a long time and I’ve just been ignoring it. A weekend break…a technology fast for one weekend. I have to make time for some relaxation. I can’t keep on going like this. I’ll forever remain miserable. I know I need some “me” time.  I have tried to explain to K that I can’t spend every waking hour with her and entertaining her.  She is 9 years old and should be able to find her own things to entertain herself.

And…of course, I haven’t been real good at keeping up with blogging. It’s an amazing stress reliever when I do write. Love sitting here, typing away…sharing my thoughts with you all…listening to music.   I long for this, it’s pure bliss. Oh….I LOVE my blog. I don’t know what I would do without it and of course, you all…my lovely readers. You all keep me sane. 🙂

Note to self: Get off your butt and go chase your happiness. It’s running away from you.

single-mom-survives

Hurt and the holidays

black-and-white-lonely-sad-Favim.com-452607This morning  I realized how much hurt I had let get buried deep inside myself.  To be honest I don’t really have anyone in my life that I feel comfortable opening up  to and I know that is no ones fault but my own. I do have a very good friend, who just recently moved back to her home in Kansas.  I talk with her everyday by FB and Skype, but it’s just not the same.

I was the one who let myself shut down.  I am the one who slipped into a deep depression and anxiety and let it take total control of my life for a long time.

I started building walls all around me.  At that time, I don’t believe I realized what I was doing, but I can understand why I did that.  I was hurt deeply by the people I was supposed to be able to trust the most.  Somehow I had to find a way to survive especially for my daugher.  She needed a parent to take care of her that she didn’t have to fear.  I had to do anything I could to  protect my heart.   It was, after all,  already severely broken and I didn’t feel that it would be able to take much more.  So what did I do?   I started to avoid people, even those I loved.  I was still friendly to anyone and everyone I’d come across, but I always kept them at arm’s length so they couldn’t get close to me.  But then I lost her too.  They made her go to live with my mom for the past almost 3 years.  Then I stopped going places that I had once enjoyed but the worse was when I started going out of the house only when I absolutely had to.  I went to therapy.  I went to the grocery store.  Even tried to continue to do the college thing.  But felt like a total failure and sometimes still do.  The guilt I feel it totally overwhelming me.

I feel there is only one way I am going to ever truly heal.   First I need to knock down all the walls I had built so high.  Once done, I need to open up some of the old wound so I can let them drain and heal properly.   I have done a lot of that in the place where I used to live.  Angie.  The therapist I truly trusted.   The only way I think I can successfully do that is if I start opening up about the past, write about my experiences, how they made me feel and any lesson that I learned from them.  I have a new therapist, Adam.   I need to learn to stop always being the caretaker and realize it’s okay to let others  take care of  me.   I think that will end up being the hardest part, but I know that it’s something I have to learn to do and the sooner the better.  I still have a very hard time letting people in.  Letting them try to take care of me.  Asking for help is painful.

cropped-il_570xn-337809855.jpgMy name along with K was put on an Angel Tree for this Christmas.  We have 2 families that are bringing Christmas to us.  I feel some shame.  Ok not some….A LOT.  Not even good enough to be able to provide a decent Chrstimas for K.  I am trying.  The bills keep mounting.  I paid my electric bill, so the shut off notice will go away.  It’s paid for now.  Next to tackle my phone bill and my cable for my internet.  I also have doctor bills that I need to catch up on.  I have the bill at Argosy that I need to figure out how to pay before I can continue next term in January.   I hate bills.  Sometimes I really hate being a grown up.  Responsibilities suck.

I need to get  my mind out of what once was. Avoid making dead-end scenarios from past experiences, you know, “what could have, should have, would have, if only he/she/I had/had not….” I gotta meet myself where I’m at and not where I THINK others want to see me as (not necessarily where they praise you to be). People crave to be seen for whom they are, yet they refuse to let go of others thoughts of who they once were, or should be, so they find great difficulty in accepting themselves. I  find difficulty accepting myself for what is, others develop jealousies, ill will, hatred and pain and such toward others—they forget about “what goes around comes around” —until they are experiencing those very pains and more.  I experience those pains daily.  I feel the “judgement” by the folks I work with.  I feel it with my family.  This causes dread with the yearly holiday get togethers.  One is coming this Saturday.  Not sure what I will say or do.  Probably just do what is expected of me.  Paste on my smile and act as if…..

fineYou’d be surprised; I am working on one degree while receiving welfare and hope to continue while working after that degree. I kept those this  journeys’ a “secret”; all while others, including my family, mocked and chastised me and categorized me as a “welfare baby momma”.  Especially my sister, of all people.  People often are “taught” (usually on the vein of a musical beat or some culturally unconscious movie) to project whole creations of self-destructive “trigger words”, like “baby-momma” or “baby daddy”, to the masses reality; to their self-destruction. I still can’t say for sure what that word constitutes (it depends on the beholder). It’s one of negative vibration of being mocked, envy, and anger—and needs to be put out of existence.  But it effects me more than anyone will ever know.  Still another secret, that not many know.

That must be done by those who created it or fate takes over. That’s another conversation.

 

Work, Diet and Kids

These three things don’t mix real well.  Or at least for me they don’t.  Birthday parties….cake and ice cream, work – people bring all sorts of stuff for staff at the school, and kids….well….see birthday parties.  LOL

I have been so trying to get back on my post- op diet routine.  I am over a year out from my surgery and have totally stalled out.  People keep telling me to go back to my doctor or dietitian.  I would but they are in Des Moines, I am in/near Minneapolis and St. Paul now.  Don’t really want to drive 4 hours or so…..I do have a different doc up here but I am just a chicken to ask for more help.  I feel like I have already failed.  I haven’t gained weight back.  I just don’t see the scale moving at all.  It just sucks.

 

I have been so busy lately…..run here an there, get ready for birthday parties, training for work, getting ready for benchmarking at work, getting K ready and going and then bathing and to bed.   Oh add 2 college classes onto that list too.  No, I haven’t caught up in those classes yet either.  Though I did make it to class last night.  found a new sitter for K.  she’s a high school kid of one of my co-workers.

so when does stuff slow down?  i need a nap.  i need to do homework.  but my motivation is zero.  well not so much motivation, i just want to sleep at the moment.  ugh.

i want to get back to losing weight and stuff.  thought about seeing if they could do a revision of my surgery…..idk.  something, anything.

ok…off to pick up my girl.  i hope her mood has improved vastly from this morning.  it was an ugly morning around here.

Just another day

Ok, so I am NOT a ninja…but today…I wanted to be one.  Moving so fast today….musta burned lots of calories.  Anxiety is creeping in and I am trying to not pay attention to it to make it worse.

K is still healing from the tonsillectomy.  But this healing process is gonna drive this momma nuts.  Again last night she did not want to take the motrin to help with the throat pain.  She pouted and cried and screeched at me.  I poured the correct amount in her little measuring cup…set it on the table with her sports bottle full of cold water.  Told her to take it when she was done with her stuff cuz I needed sleep.  I went back to bed and lay there….and lay there, and lay there and lay there.  listening.  listening.  listening.  she was crying.  pouting.  calling me all sorts of bad mommy names etc.  i decided to not fight this battle with her.  i feel for her YES.  i totally get pain.  but she had been taking the motrin and tylenol alternately great for the past 3 or 4 days.  and then bam!  last night…..would not “could not” not take it anymore!!  those were her words.  i tried to explain what the medicine would do again.  but that didn’t work.  so i went back to bed and lay there….listening…..i think i dozed….then she comes in and tells me she is mad.  well duh!  i get that.

let’s just say it was a very long night.  very little sleep for both of us.  finally about 7am she reluctantly took it.  in about an hour she was perky again.  holy cows!!!

anyways….running errands, getting more kids motrin and tylenol….dropping stuff off where it needed to be dropped.  then getting K over to the sitter so I could get to my first class of this term.  Ethics.  great start.  LOL  oxymoron of the day i think. in terms of relation of all that happened in the past 24 hours.

anyways…..made it through the day.  tomorrow gonna try to hit the YMCA in the morning.  K is willing to go to the kid’s place in there and hang while I workout some.  She wants to swim….not until her 14 days are up. (that is next week).  little pout on her part, but she understands.  going to the chiro in the afternoon before taking her back to the sitter for my next class…personality theory.  another good one for this week.

i can’t wait til this holiday week is over.  too much going on.  too much driving.  back and forth to Iowa in the past 2 weeks.  way too much gas money spent.  i have $35 left to my name tonight.  luckily tomorrow is payday.  but then comes the bills.  half of it is already gone.  i am still job hunting too.  i don’t know how to add that into my already busy schedule.  but i need to earn some money to help get these bills paid.

the merry go round continues.   wish i was more inspired, but i’m not.  oh well.