Life and Everyday

3 = Can’t Be

I think I love

A man that I can’t

I see him from time to time

I want to reach out to touch his rugged face

even if just a hug.

A handshake.

A flash of lightening flows through me

But I know it can’t be

It’s so out beyond a spire of possibility.

But I continue to watch

and wait

and maybe a glimpse of hope

even though I know.

Life and Everyday

finally Friday

Waiting is hard.  I know that things will fall into place eventually.  K is still healing up from tonsil surgery.  I wish that was a faster process as well.  She feels better when she takes her tylenol and motrin.  But getting her to take is is like pulling teeth.  I am tired.  Being a single mom really sucks sometimes.  So much to do… little energy right now.  I am still working on boxes.  Told K that tomorrow I was doing my room and hers.  gonna try to get stuff rearranged and some pictures up.

My second set of classes started yesterday.  I only have class on Mondays and Tuesdays.  The rest is all online.  They are blended classes like last term.  This term I am taking Ethics in Contemporary Society and Personality Theory.  Both seem like lots of reading and note taking.  When they are blended class like this…we have to write papers every week.  Some hard, some not that much.  With the 4th falling in the middle of the week like this year….our classes are kind of squished up for this first week or two.  So playing catch up as I spent one more day in Iowa at mom’s…more than I wanted to.

I am still worried about finances right now.  I know I have enough money to cover rent and utilities and phone and stuff.  But certainly doesn’t leave much for anything else.  I have been looking and putting in apps again all over.  Lots of no thank emails and phone calls.  Discouraging but I need to get on the ball with this too.

I am also working on filling out a couple scholarship applications.  I know there are so many other folks that do this too.  I feel like my chances of getting one are next to none.  UGH.

On a different note.  I have been taking Celebrex for the past week.  My pain levels have decreased tremendously.  I am able to get up and do stuff without that constant pain.  I ache from fibro and lupus stuff, but my joints don’t hurt nearly as bad.  Turning 40 made my body fall apart.  LOL

Time to turn in I think.

until next time….

Life and Everyday

having a time

I know I have been slacking the past few days by not writing.  It’s not that I don’t have time to write, I just haven’t felt good.  I suppose if I wait until I feel good enough to write, we all would be waiting a long time.  I realize that I have done that a lot in my life:  waiting until I feel good enough.  What happens if I don’t ever reach feeling good enough?  Then what?  I would miss out on a lot of things, that is for sure.

What do you wait to do until you feel good enough?  Most days in the past 20 some years, I think I have pushed myself through some of the days even when I didn’t feel good enough.  Both physically and mentally.

Physically, I don’t know why I am not feeling good.  I feel nauseous.  Off and on all day.  I don’t know if it is because I am hungry or rather I need to eat, or if I am just feeling sick.  I woke up today with a stuffy nose and this end of the summer cold thing.  Not liking that either.  The nausea is still there.  I am still trying to take my morning meds too..  That seems to take forever somedays.  LOL  I have come to that point where nothing sounds good to eat, so I don’t.  Then I feel sick because there is nothing in my stomach.  Either way, it’s not good.    I am under 300 now, which is absolutely wonderful.  Haven’t been in the 200’s for a long time.

Emotionally I have been feeling on the edge of tears.  All the stuff with 9/11, remembering.  Add some more remembering of the men and women who have died for us serving our country, more tears.  Then add the fact that my K will be 8 this weekend.  Time is just going to fast for me at the moment.  We were to celebrate her birthday this weekend, but my mom wants to push it out to next weekend.  That is Waldorf Homecoming weekend.  I wanted to go see friends and remember the fun.  I need to go pick up birthday gifts and stuff like that too now.  My list of “to-do” keeps growing longer and longer.

Today is going to be one of those busy days.  I have class at 11, 12:30, and 4pm.  I have an appointment in there at 2pm, then Parent to Parent training at 5:30 to 7:30pm.  I hope I can get home by 8 pm tonight.  I have a church thing tonight at 8 also.  Don’t know if I can go…..I might have to just go to bed when I get home  LOL


Life and Everyday

My Changing Body?

Do you ever feel like you are the beginning of a new phase in your life?  Again?  Seems life is full of beginnings and endings.  I think I blogged about this before, but here I am again with it.

I am two and a half weeks out from the VGS surgery.  I feel really weird.  I don’t know if that is a good term or not for it, but I will go with it for now.  My body is going through all these changes.  Morphing into a new body, new way of seeing myself physically.  I was walking to the WRC (Wellness and Rec Center) at UNI yesterday.  I saw my reflection in the glass doors.  I still didn’t like what I saw there.  I still look frumpy and fat.  Even tho when I weighed this morning, another 3 pounds gone.  It’s strange how the pounds seem to be coming off, but the feeling or how I look at my body is still the same as before the surgery.  Friends have said my face looks thinner.  Ok, I may buy into that one.  But, why not the rest of my body?

I am tired.  Been tired for the past 4 days.  I am thinking maybe I should give my doc a jingle.  But part of me is really scared to do that.  Why?  I don’t know.  I don’t wanna be sick.  Sick as in my blood levels being out of whack.  I don’t wanna take more supplements, vitamins.  Can’t they just shoot them into me with a shot of some sort?  I started back on the water pill.  The edema is finally gone from my feet and legs.  They don’t feel like heavy logs anymore.  Maybe that is what is messing me up again.

I took my laundry over to the “laundromat” at the office.  I had to park in the lot as the maintenance guys are here and won’t let anyone up pull up to the sidewalk.  So, I carried my load of laundry to the door.  I was amazed that I wasn’t out of breath.  My legs/knees didn’t hurt as bad.  Maybe something is happening.  Maybe I am feeling it happen, this changing in my body.  I know I can’t run yet, but maybe someday.  I see the orthopedic doc tomorrow.  I wonder what he will say.  He was the first doctor that ever said to me, “ever consider weight loss surgery?”  And that was on the first day that I meet the guy.  How nice??

I called Angie this morning.  Left a message.  Called Dr. J too.  Why?   I haven’t talked to him in ages.  I suppose I just feel the need to let him know all these changes as well.  People ask me now, how much weight have you lost?  I am not keeping track that much…well more so now so that I can answer people.  I hate it when numbers are so important.  I don’t even know what my goal weight is supposed to be.  I never asked Dr. LaMasters.  Weird huh?  I don’t really know or want to know.  I just want to lose and feel better.  I want to buy clothes in a real store.  I want people to notice the changes.  Is that conceited?  People know me as the fat girl.  I was the fat girl in high school.  You know you are fat when you play volleyball and they have to find a different uniform cuz they don’t have sizes big enough for you.  But I weighed 189 pounds in high school.  And that was considered fat?  Geesh, take a look at me now and I must be gigantic?  I don’t think so.  How many other tags that were stuck on me?  They are probably numerous and I don’t want to hash them out now.

Back to finding this a new beginning.  The “old” me needs to end.  The old tapes, old messages from others.  I have been trying and trying to be positive.  I post so many positive quotes and bible passages on my facebook.  Not necessarily for others to read, but I need to see them.  I need to soak them in.  Maybe it’s a way of faking out my brain from the old stuff into the new.

God is in the business of bringing dead things to life.

God doesn’t get fired up about failure….He gets fired up when somebody’s failure is bigger than their faith.

Faith is the conviction of things unseen.  – Dr. Henry Cloud


Life and Everyday


I have been up and about since about 5:30 AM this morning.  I got a lot done before it was even 11 AM.  I came back from WalMart and decided to take a short nap.  It ended up being 2 hours.  How come when you sleep the time seems to go by faster?  It’s so weird.

This afternoon, it feels like I am waiting.  Not sure what I am waiting for, but it just seems like something should be going on.  It’s quiet here, except for the sound of the AC turning on and off.  The sun is bright and warm.  But I wait.  I keep thinking I oughta be doing something, anything.  But I don’t know what.

In the quietness, I think.  I wonder how my friends are doing.  Should I text them and see what’s up?  Should I just keep reading facebook and figure it out for myself?  Then I wonder if I have any fences to mend.  Did I let some people down this week?  Who?  Do I need to apologize?  Do I need to just move on?  Waiting……. the answers aren’t coming.

So I take a deep breath. Stare at the computer screen and just get lost in the nothingness.  Maybe my brain is still sleeping?  Maybe I should go for another drive?  But where?  and Why?

Waiting is weird for me.  I mean I wait in doctor offices.  That doesn’t bother me much (unless I am in a hurry).  I waited to day in the check out line at WalMart.  That didn’t bother me much either.  I am still waiting to see if I get mail today.  Whatever.

We all wait it seems.  For what?

People on the East Coast right now are waiting for Hurricane Irene to hit where ever it is going to.  Taking the precautions where necessary.  People in Texas are waiting for it to rain and cool off some.  Don’t know what the people out on the West Coast are waiting for….maybe just going to the beach or meeting someone famous.  I don’t know.  People in the Mid-West are probably waiting for a little bit of rain or are just getting ready for harvest to be here.  Maybe the Minnesota State Fair.  (hehehe)

I think I need to change my thoughts some while I wait.  I know I am trying to be more positive and see the good before thinking of the bad.  I wonder if God waits for us?  He probably does sometimes.  Maybe He waits for us to make a decision to follow Him.  Maybe He waits for us to call on Him, call out to Him in prayer.  Maybe He waits for us to sing with praise.  Share His word.  Be His voice to other people.  I think God is good at waiting.  He sticks by us even when we are “ugly”, as my mom calls it.  I think He waits for us to make our next move.  Will it involve knowing what is right and what is wrong?  What truths He has set before us that we use in our decision making?

I sure know God is patient.  He waits for us to come back around when we wander away.  He’s always there when I come back.  He welcomes me with open arms.

All this waiting makes me think of a song.  It’s called “While I’m Waiting” by John Waller.  I will post it below so you can hear it.  Listen to the words.  “I will serve You while I’m waiting.  I will worship while I’m waiting.  I will not faint.  I’ll be runnin the race, even while I wait.”


Life and Everyday

30 Day Blog Challenge – Day 28

Day 28: What stresses you out?

Old friends who argue about the rightness or wrongness of words, or how they are used.  People argue intelligence instead of feelings when it’s about feelings in the first place.

Sometimes deadlines stress me out.  Especially if I have slacked off and not stayed caught up on the things I need to before the deadline comes.

Being late for an appointment or something where I said I would be somewhere at some appointed time.

Spiders stress me out.  BIG TIME.  I can handle most other beetle bugs, roly polys, crickets, etc.  But NO spiders for me.

Sometimes waiting stresses me out.  Like waiting for results from a blood test or an x-ray.  Waiting for an appointment sometimes does to me as well.

People who think they are always right stress me out.

Moving to a new place, stresses me out.  I have moved so much, you would think I would just go with the flow.  NOT….stress me out baby!!