doing it again

I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but once again, I am comparing myself to other bariatric “success” people. I see pics of folks that have gotten to their goal weight or are very close. I am happy for them and then very angry at myself for not being there yet. I know each of us is on our own journey.

I am almost 3 years out from the vertical sleeve. My weight hovers around 240….I have another 100 to lose. I am feeling tired and self critical. I get frustrated with myself and quit. Then I get out of that space and get moving again. Only to have some health issues that make me nearly immobile. So sick of this revolving door. I know my eating sucks at times. I don’t know how to make eating more clean and healthy enjoyable. It just makes me sad. I know it’s a head thing. How do I clear my head of these things? I am seeing a Adam once a week but it’s not helping as much. I don’t want to give up completely.

My biggest challenge is not only getting the processed food and grains out of my diet but also my daughter.  How do I cook for her and yet let her have the “treats” and things that she likes as well?  I used to be able to just say no to her treats and foods, but my attitude and lack of willpower lately has lead me down the “eat the whole kitchen and the sink” mentality.

I will be doing some searching on the net for some sites with some ideas on clean eating and eliminating the grains and limiting the processed foods.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  Sending out love…..

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Thinking about a revision of my VSG

I went to see a new bariatric doc here in the Cities last week or the week before.  Can’t remember if I wrote about it or not.  I asked him about having a revision done with my VSG.  He said he wasn’t sure that would be a good thing because I have lost a fair amount of weight that was in the range of what the VSG surgery was supposed to do.  But I am not where I want to be.  I don’t look like I want.  I don’t weigh what I want either.  I know that is a head thing for me, but something I want to do and be.  something I have always wanted.

So I have been reading up on some of this stuff.  I want to share what I have found.  Let me know what you think.

Of course there are risks with revision surgery.  As with any surgery, there are risks.

  • Revision weight loss surgery procedures generally take longer.
  • Open incisions are frequently but not always needed.
  • There is greater blood loss.
  • Leaks and infections occur more frequently. It is thought that leak rates increase due to changes in blood flow to the stomach caused by the original weight loss surgery.

Here are some of the reasons they give for a revision

  • A patient may not adapt well to the lifestyle required after a particular bariatric surgery.
  • Perhaps a specific bariatric surgery does not address the metabolic needs of a patient.
  • There are anatomical changes made to a patient’s body during bariatric surgery and these changes are not always maintained.
  • the pouch may stretch and become larger
  • the outlet of a gastric pouch may increase in diameter
  • a gastro-gastric fistula may form between the gastric pouch and the bypassed stomach
  • the intestine may increase its absorptive abilities beyond what was expected
  • restriction may decrease as a result of a band slippage

Unresolved Co-Morbities

Medical Complications

As a result of bariatric surgery, some patients do have medical complications that must be treated with revision bariatric surgery. In some cases, treating medical complications with revision bariatric surgery will be similar to the treatments previously discussed for mechanical and metabolic failure, but others may require reversal of the original bariatric surgery while weight loss is preserved. Possible medical conditions requiring revision include the following:

  • ulcer
  • stricture
  • severe dumping
  • malnutrition
  • over-malabsorption
  • metabolic bone disease
  • iron deficiency/anemia
  • vitamin deficiency
  • vitamin-D deficiency
  • thiamine (vitamin B-1) deficiency

——————————————————–

I had the VSG surgery done.  Aug 11, 2011.  My highest weigh ever has been 356 pounds.  My weight now is 243.  I know that is still heavy.  I know I have lost weight.  But I also know this is NOT where I want to be.  That may sound really selfish and vain.  But I want to look good and feel good for once in my life.  I want the whole package.  Is that too much to ask?  I am trying to get my brain in the game.  I went to the Emily Program today.  It’s a eating disorder clinic here.  I talked with a therapist there.  I know this is really odd considering what I am writing about today.  So I know my thinking is off.  I know that.  I know I need to work on my thoughts.  But that doesn’t change my want to at the moment.

So, anyways…I am going to keep reading and keep researching and keep talking to Dr. Kelly and the dietician and this new therapist and my other therapist.  Maybe some of you reading have some words of wisdom?  Let me know.

 

 

Re-start – again…..

**I found this letter a couple of days ago – happy calorie counting!
______________________________________________________________
Dear Fat,

This is to inform you that your lease is coming to an end and that it is time for you to vacate the premises. We’ve had a long-term arrangement, you and I, even friendly at times, but all good things must come to an end, and it is now time for this working relationship to end.

You have brought neighborhood property values down, and have polluted the neighborhood for the last time! You are no longer wanted here and must leave.

Please pack up your bags and prepare to be evicted.

Sincerely Yours,

Management

_____________________________________________________________________

 

Ok.  time to get real serious again about this.  My stomach is killing me.  I called a bariatric doctor here in the Cities…St. Paul.  I need to get in to see one.  Before all that, I have to get all my records from Dr. LaMasters in De.s Moines where I had surgery done almost 2 years ago.  Wow.  2 years ago…Aug 11, 2011.  I had vertical gastric sleeve surgery.  I have lost a total of 107 pounds.  I have maintained that for the past year.  But, am or have been having some tummy problems for the past 6 months or so.  Some terrible acid reflux even though I take Nexium every day.  I feel like my digestion isn’t quite right.  So I am returning to protein shakes and small portions.  Going to try to see if I can get this controlled.  I will still go to this new doc and see what I can get done.

I totally bombed on my exercise.  I need to get with it.  I what happened my “give a damn busted”.  I have been so concerned with getting K in a good space and getting all that she needs in place, I forgot about me.  But she is doing well now.  Meds are working good.  She is having way less meltdowns and doing quite well actually.  School starts in about 3 1/2 weeks or so.  She is good.

Now to tackle me.  I am currently unemployed.  Which sucks.  Reading Corps was fun and challenging.  I love the kiddos I worked with dearly.  I will miss them.  But management sucked.  I will continue to support the AmeriCorps and MRC programs but not the immediate supervisors here in my town.  That was totally off topic.

Back to weight loss crap.  See how much I don’t like to talk about this now?  I am disgusted with myself once again.  I need to figure out what happened to me.  I lost myself.  I feel fat and flabby and out of control again.  I need the dedication to keep a food journal and be extremely honest.  I need someone to hold me absolutely accountable.  Even if I hate it….that is what I need.  Kick me in ass when I need it, even if I get pissed and they won’t take it personally. I need God to drop me a person to help me with this.  I want to get out of bed and not worry about getting to the YMCA to do water aerobics and work out.  No more excuses.  Kick my ass someone.  PLEASE!!!

Dammit I need to get out of this funk.

weight loss progress

 

Here are my progress pictures.  The first is before surgery at 332 pounds.    The second was in Jan with a 50 pound weight loss (I think) and then today is the last picture with a total of 90 pounds gone FOR GOOD!!!

I think I would have had more weight loss and looked a bit more toned if my knee hadn’t given me such a problems for the past 3 and half months.  This last shot I got when I went to Mayo Clinic has been amazing.  I am virtually pain free in my left knee.  I think I may ask the doc if they can do that shot in my right knee as well.

I have been thinking about my food program and how I need to adapt a little better when I am with K.  I know she needs to eat more healthy so I have to become more creative in getting her to eat better.  She loves junk food.  Being here at my mom’s, I see how much “junk” my mom has in the house.  Sugar cereals, chips, candy, etc.  I don’t have much of that at my place at all.  If K wanted a snack, it was fruit or yogurt or peanut butter toast or something like that.  Here, she goes for what she knows.  I try hard to limit it, but not always successful.

I got a few new shirts on clearance sale yesterday.  I actually was able to by a regular XL in the ladies section and it fits!  sooooo happy!!!  I am still amazed that I fit in a size 20 pants right now.  They fit alright but it won’t be long until they get loose.  I can feel that already.

I am at mom’s all this week and next.  Possibly until after Easter. K goes to Iowa City on that Tues after Easter.  Might as well stay until that is over.  Mom and Tiny will be leaving Texas on Thursday next week.  I am sure they will have stories to tell.

I have been washing clothes today.  The last load is in the washer.  Strange to wash clothes for more people than just me.  LOL  Jesse is here….which is nice.  He works most of the day at my brother in law’s.  He is a good kid.  Works hard.  His dirty clothes prove it.  They could probably walk on their own!  LOL

I will be going back up to St. Paul tomorrow for a couple appointments.  K has dance after school, so will be going to her daycare and they will take her.  I will be back to pick her up at 5pm.  It’s all good.

I hate food!

 

 

Food.  Something you need pretty much everyday to survive.  Pretty much.  I have a love/hate relationship with food.  For years and years and most of my life I have struggled with food.  I love to eat it.  Most of it tastes pretty decent.  But I hate it.

When  I was growing up on the farm, I used to hear a lot, “clean your plate”.  So usually did.  I started getting fat when I was probably around 9-10 years old.  I don’t know why or what happened but my little body turned into a big body.  Probably biology and just plain growing up.  Kids teased me.  My brother and sister teased me.  Relentlessly.  I started to hate food so much that I used it to comfort me.  I ate more.  Doesn’t make a lot of sense does it?

In high school, I was a big girl.  Considered bigger anyways.  I think when I graduated I was roughly 189 pounds.  Today that doesn’t sound too bad to me.  I’d like to get there again.  Who knows.  Anyways, the mental torture of weight followed me.  I became bulimic in my senior year and well into my first couple years of college.  I’d gain weight.  I’d lose weight.  Back and forth.  I hated food.  I didn’t like much of anything about myself at that time and space.

Flash forward to today.  I realize I still have that love hate relationship with food.  Only I am not bulimic anymore.  Haven’t been for 20 some years.   But….after having VSG surgery, I am still hating food.  I hate having to make constant decisions about do I eat what is good for me  or not.  Having a smaller stomach isn’t making this easy.  I knew it wouldn’t make my self image any better either.  I knew and know that this surgery is very hard work.  Exercise is still hard work.  But I know what I have to do.  This life changing decision I made 6 months ago has been the best thing, yet it has brought back that insecurity of am I good enough?

I know I am.  I know people love me.  My daughter and my mom love me.  I have some pretty awesome friends.  I have a God that loves me.  But is that enough?  I like myself, but I am not totally bought into loving me yet.  Weird huh?  I still see people and talk to people with the mentality that weight is an either or situation.  Let me show you:

I hate comparisons.  In my head this is what I see.  I compare myself to the “skinny” ones.  I know it’s now how I “should” be.  But I grew up with this stupid idea.  How in the world do I get it out of my head?  I keep trying to remind myself that I am ok no matter how I look. I am a good person no matter how fat or thin I am.   But ya know what?  Still not sure I am buying that.  God, I so need to change my thinking.  I don’t want my daughter growing up feeling like this.  This constant comparing.  K is beautiful as any 8 year old girl.

I am working on it.  I told my therapist that I hate food the other day.  I hate eating.

But I am on this path now.  I chose to get on the road to healthy.  Not only for myself but for K.  I have to do this…..I NEED to do this.  Living with the constant pain in my joints and muscles is not what I had in mind at 40.  Since losing weight, it’s gotten some better but I know it can get “more better”.  Right?

I am going to keep telling myself that I am ok.  That life is good no matter what is going on around me or to me.  I am going to keep trying to make good decisions about eating and exercising.  I am going to keep being positive.  Because I KNOW it’s going to sink in.  I KNOW that God will change my heart.  I know that this is hard work and I am not about quitting anymore.  I am living and loving and being there for my family and friends.   I am in control of my life.  And so are you!

30 Day Blog Challenge – Day 21

Day 21: Something you’re proud of.

I don’t usually think much about the things I am proud of.  I don’t want people to think that I am “better” than them or whatever.  But I have been thinking about this, it really is ok to be proud of your own accomplishments and to let people know about them.  I know this person who thinks it’s absolutely horrible of me to say anything positive about myself.  I am not sure why he feels that way, he just hates it when I share my accomplishments.

One of the things I am most proud of right now is that I have gone through with the gastric sleeve surgery.  I know the road ahead of me isn’t going to be easy.  I feel that already.  But, this is an amazing step in making myself realize how much I need to be “here” for my daughter, my family, and my friends.  I want to be healthy and able to run and play without all the painful joints/painful back, being out of breath, etc.  I am willing to give up all those foods that got me to where I am now.  Pizza sounds really delish right now, but I know I can’t have that now.  I will eventually, but just not at this moment.  That is how it is with a lot of food right now.  I am on the full liquid diet, so everything has to go down liquid-y.

Another things I am proud of at this moment is that I am almost finished with my classes at UNI.  Two semesters to go, I will be a graduate.  I have worked hard to get where I am right now.  I know I will continue to do so.

Being proud of yourself for your accomplishments isn’t something that should be put down by other people.  Maybe it’s jealousy or the mire fact that they don’t understand.

I am happy with what I am doing, the accomplishments made, and what the future may hold for me.  I am excited as there will be new beginnings coming as well.

 

30 Day Blog Challenge – Day 16 and more

Day 16: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it.

Oh my my!!  How appropriate subject for today.  I will be having the gastric sleeve surgery this coming Thursday.  So my opinion of my body is changing as I type.  I am on a full liquid diet today.  I stomached my first protein shake.  It was vanilla mixed with skim milk.  The first few sips were ok but by the time I was near the end….whoa.  NOT what I was expecting.  It was hard to get it all down.  I think next time, I will mix it with some fresh fruit…blend it up, add some ice, and try a slush.  I hope that will be better.

I have these bumps and curves that are in places they shouldn’t be.  Last year I had a breast reduction due to inflamed fibroids.  So, that was taken care of nicely.  Now to get my body in that shape. I have managed to lose close to 20 pounds since starting this journey this past February.  That is pretty decent for me.

Today, I signed up for Aquatic Zumba and a meditation awareness series for this semester here at the U.  The zumba stuff starts the first part of September.  Well, actually I think it starts Aug 29, but I won’t be cleared to start until the next week.  The meditation series is in October.   I am excited about both.  I thought about taking a yoga class…but I don’t want to push it too much right after surgery.

Classes begin Aug 22.  I have the week before (wait, that is next week) to rest up and recover.  Oh wow…it’s coming so quickly.  K starts school on the 15th.  I talked to her last night on the phone and asked who her teacher was this year.  “It’s a boy” she said.  I just had to chuckle.  My good friend is the other 2nd grade teacher.  I hope it’s a good year for her…with “the boy” teacher.  🙂

Today is my last day at work.  I am sitting her in the office with not much going on.  Both deans are in today.  So it’s still pretty quiet.  They both had vacation last week.  Back to the grind.  I wonder what they will have for me when classes start?  I know I have a huge mailing that will need to be done sometime in October and November for all the alums from UNI.  I did that last year.  Not a problem.

As for this 30 day blog series, I might have to miss Thursdays.  Or maybe Karen will type it out for me as I lay in bed at the hospital.  LOL  We’ll see.  Transformation begins today.  I really do like myself today and most days as well.  Life has turned around for me in the past year.  It’s been an amazing year.  Even if I didn’t marry the man who was supposed to be the man of my dreams.  (poor him).  Being single isn’t too bad.  I have a great group of friends and a wonderful family.  Support is something I am not used to, but I sure like it.  Feels great to be loved.

Carry on….this blog is done.  Enjoy your day!!