Food. Something you need pretty much everyday to survive. Pretty much. I have a love/hate relationship with food. For years and years and most of my life I have struggled with food. I love to eat it. Most of it tastes pretty decent. But I hate it.
When I was growing up on the farm, I used to hear a lot, “clean your plate”. So usually did. I started getting fat when I was probably around 9-10 years old. I don’t know why or what happened but my little body turned into a big body. Probably biology and just plain growing up. Kids teased me. My brother and sister teased me. Relentlessly. I started to hate food so much that I used it to comfort me. I ate more. Doesn’t make a lot of sense does it?
In high school, I was a big girl. Considered bigger anyways. I think when I graduated I was roughly 189 pounds. Today that doesn’t sound too bad to me. I’d like to get there again. Who knows. Anyways, the mental torture of weight followed me. I became bulimic in my senior year and well into my first couple years of college. I’d gain weight. I’d lose weight. Back and forth. I hated food. I didn’t like much of anything about myself at that time and space.
Flash forward to today. I realize I still have that love hate relationship with food. Only I am not bulimic anymore. Haven’t been for 20 some years. But….after having VSG surgery, I am still hating food. I hate having to make constant decisions about do I eat what is good for me or not. Having a smaller stomach isn’t making this easy. I knew it wouldn’t make my self image any better either. I knew and know that this surgery is very hard work. Exercise is still hard work. But I know what I have to do. This life changing decision I made 6 months ago has been the best thing, yet it has brought back that insecurity of am I good enough?
I know I am. I know people love me. My daughter and my mom love me. I have some pretty awesome friends. I have a God that loves me. But is that enough? I like myself, but I am not totally bought into loving me yet. Weird huh? I still see people and talk to people with the mentality that weight is an either or situation. Let me show you:
I hate comparisons. In my head this is what I see. I compare myself to the “skinny” ones. I know it’s now how I “should” be. But I grew up with this stupid idea. How in the world do I get it out of my head? I keep trying to remind myself that I am ok no matter how I look. I am a good person no matter how fat or thin I am. But ya know what? Still not sure I am buying that. God, I so need to change my thinking. I don’t want my daughter growing up feeling like this. This constant comparing. K is beautiful as any 8 year old girl.
I am working on it. I told my therapist that I hate food the other day. I hate eating.
But I am on this path now. I chose to get on the road to healthy. Not only for myself but for K. I have to do this…..I NEED to do this. Living with the constant pain in my joints and muscles is not what I had in mind at 40. Since losing weight, it’s gotten some better but I know it can get “more better”. Right?
I am going to keep telling myself that I am ok. That life is good no matter what is going on around me or to me. I am going to keep trying to make good decisions about eating and exercising. I am going to keep being positive. Because I KNOW it’s going to sink in. I KNOW that God will change my heart. I know that this is hard work and I am not about quitting anymore. I am living and loving and being there for my family and friends. I am in control of my life. And so are you!