Joy, revisited

 

joy

Really? Really?  Really. Is that what joy is supposed to look like? Cuz my joy hasn’t looked anything like that all year long.  Not even one iota close. Maybe wish it had, maybe it would have felt like the earth moved and the world changed a bit for me, yes, for once, for ME! But nah,  it didn’t.

But what did my joy feel like this year?  Was it quiet? Was it rumbling? Was it at least happy? Let me show you a few pics of what my joy felt like…..

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nothing like mom and daughter bonding! 

 

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Getting ready to celebrate K’s 12th birthday!

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Our new dog, Cooper! 

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Messy hair and out to eat! 

These are the celebrations of joy we had. None were really jump out of our skin into the air moments, and I know it’s not all of our joyful moments of the year. It’s just few that K and I have had along the way. I can tell you that there were definitely more joyful moments in the latter part of 2015 than the beginning because big changes happened in the middle of the summer for both of us for the BETTER!!!! Let me tell you, that made a world of difference in the joyfulness of our lives. More on that when I’m on my laptop to type. But for now, more to think on.  What does joy feel like to you? Like that first pic? Or something in between?

~Julie

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Thinking back over 2015

My word for this year was JOY. hmmm.

When I was young and going to Bible school at DeerCreek Lutheran Church, I remember learning that joy represented:

J= Jesus

O= Others

Y= You

That was for us to remember the order in which we pray and give thanks.  Jesus first, then for others,  then yourself.  I still think that is a pretty cool formula!

I want to do more thinking and writing on this subject of joy and what it has meant to me throughout this past year. I will do more in the coming days. 💜

I always say……

Here it is….SEPTEMBER!!! I always say that I am going to write more. I am going to keep blogging more. I am going to post more and write my thoughts and blah blah blah…….
whelp…..as you can see from how long ago my last post was……I didn’t. I haven’t. And here I am again. But I’m not saying any of that this time. I am just saying…I am going to write whenever I can.
But…..September is Invisible Illness Awareness Month. At the end of the month will be Invisible Illness Awareness Week. So, I know that I will write a bit about what is happening in that arena.

pain cushion

First Post of 2014

 

A new year, a new idea.  I am going to try Word Press’s Zero to Hero: 30 Days to a Better Blog.  It’s a time for challenging my writing and creativity.  Since I am not working yet.   Looking for jobs, sending out resumes etc.  I will still have some extra time to write.  So I am up for a challenge….I hope.  Why not try, right?  Well, it will be a challenge I am willing to tackle.

I just want the tears to stop

I just want to stop crying everyday.  I also want the anger to go away too.  One moment I am all tears, the next angry as a bull seeing red.  Why?  the only thing I can think that is triggering this (other than my daughters outbursts recently) is the old fricken tapes in my head.  They are back telling me how worthless and horrible a person I am.  How much of a failure I am.  blah blah blah.

It’s so hard when I have K freakin out because she wants something that she can’t have or do something that we can’t do because there is no money, etc.  She is angry at me because I get angry at her.  It’s like a never-ending circle.  I don’t know where or when it ends.  I get angry because she feels she is entitled to have all the things she asks for and then some.  I am supposed to go and do and whatever when she wants it.  But my wallet and bank account, my body and head just can’t do it.

I am in pain.  Not just this damn emotional pain but the physical pain.  I hate having this chronic pain disease or illness or whatever it is called.  I hate lupus.  I hate fibro.  I am sick of physical pain everyday when I get up.  I choose not to take the benzo’s because I hate how they make me feel.  So I choose to live with the pain.  My fault.

Emotionally I am drained.  On this roller coaster of anger and crying.  Throw in a huge handful of anxiety and I’m a hot mess.  I went to this new psychiatrist today.  Was a total waste of my time.  Basically she said that I should go back to my old doc because she doesn’t have time to treat “someone like me”.  Well, it’s that a lovely thing to say to a person who is on the verge of tears and anger???  So I walk out and call that damn clinic back and ask Susie to get me in with a psychiatrist with the soonist opening.  The soonist opening….3 1/2 weeks away.  But with a different doc than who I have been seeing.  It’s a lady.  I have never had a lady psychiatrist.  I hope she knows what she is doing.  I hope she doesn’t load me up on meds like the past doc.

Why am I so angry?  I don’t get it.  I mean I do, but I don’t.  They are just all so much little things that are stupid to be mad at.  Why get angry at the little things?  Am I just being petty?

  • pain
  • lack of money/no job
  • foot in boot still
  • can’t exercise yet
  • eating sucks
  • k talking back
  • laundry piling up
  • I’m alone
  • no support
  • physically can’t do things I need to get done…cleaning up the balcony flowers and stuff
  • cleaning the apartment, etc
  • getting groceries up the stairs
  • k’s insistence on clashing clothes to go to school
  • k’s constant yelling at me telling me that i am stupid and horrible mom
  • k throwing things at me when she is mad

I probably should be doing a gratitude list instead.  That would be the more Christian thing to do.  But I am tired of being or playing that everything is fine when I am outside….it’s a game out there.  I hate it.  I hate being home too.  I haven’t felt like hurting myself in years….and then yesterday and today…..BAM!!  I haven’t done any cutting or massive pill swallowing.  But my god, the thoughts are there. again.

Beyond Imagination

I had one more “Great Story” to write for Minnesota Reading Corps before the end of the school year.  So I decided I am going to share it here on my blog.

Beyond Imagination

We recently held a huge literacy and art event called Beyond Imagination.  It showcased poetry and artwork created by students.  For my last great story, I wanted to write a poem that will also include some of the words of wisdom from some of the students I worked with this year.

We are a new school district to Minnesota Reading Corps

Not sure what to expect, but trained very well.

Through trial and error, we got it figured out

With many questions to Nick and Sarah, we had no doubt.

So as the new year began,

We benchmarked many students.

We made our list

Our schedules were started.

Interventions, progress monitoring

Much progress and praise

High hopes and high fives and stickers, kids craved.

The smiles started coming

Words began to click.

Letter names, letter sounds started to stick

“The best part is I can spell out words”

“I like letters, I love to learn”

Onto nonsense words and blending words,

Duet reading and Great Leaps

Huge strides were made by many when we all believe

Continue to encourage…..

To say, “You did great!”

They loved my new words: fantabulous and awesomesauce

Because praise words never get lost!

“Reading is fun”

“I learn harder words and that makes me happy”

“I love to read.  I feel way smart”

“When I read a book, I can imagine the characters in the book”

As you can see reading tutors can give students that hook

We give them our best

Long day and much of your enthusiasm

But it’s all worth it

To see their excitement and imagination

As this school year comes to a close

I love these kids I have come to know well

I wish them the best on their journey of reading

Of growing and learning and much succeeding.

(if you are interesting in becoming a part of Minnesota Reading Corps, they are hiring for the next school year.  Here is the link:  http://minnesotareadingcorps.org/    you will also be able to find  AmeriCorps at this link:  http://www.nationalservice.gov/programs/americorps