worn out

I have had enough of pain today.  I went to class at 11 and came home because I can’t sit for that long (today).  Even sitting here writing is challenging today.  I hooked up my little mini laptop and take it with me when I lay down so I can continue to write.  This is ridiculous!!!  I broke down (again) and took another pain pill.  I hate taking pills.  even my regular meds are becoming very hard to take.

The tears keep coming.  It’s pain.  Physical, emotional and even spiritual.  It has nothing to do with the weight loss or surgery but yet it has everything to do with it as it’s my body changing inside (hormones, blood levels, etc).  Ang told me today that I need to think of myself as I was when I was pregnant.  All the hormones and blood levels are changing, which is causing me to be a mess.

Rain has been making my life hell since Sunday.  The weather wrecks havoc on my body too.  I have made a few phone calls to some alternative medicine folks.  I know I need to get back to being centered and balanced.  I have let the busy-ness of every day get me.  I am more a human doing right now than a human being.  I hate this.  I talked with an old friend yesterday and he gave me the name and number of a person that does healing touch.  I don’t have the money to be doing this alternative medicine stuff, but regular medicine is NOT working!!  I am sick of pills.  I am sick of injections of different sorts.  Something’s gotta give.

I pray.  I have been praying.  I turn this over to God, but my humanness, I take it back again and again.  It sounds like such an easy thing to do…..but why do I take all this crap back and try to fix it on my own?

My brain is running like a million miles an hour today.  I want to be better.  I want to live better.  I don’t make much sense when I get like this.  I apologize to whomever is reading today.

Lecrae – I Am Second

Lecrae – I Am Second.

Pause…..simplify

I have been a hurting unit for a couple weeks now.  Not just physically, but mentally as well.  I feel bogged down and sluggish.  My days are so full, that lately….even though  I have stuff scheduled from the time I get up until the time I go to bed, I have totally shut down.  I haven’t gone anywhere.  I haven’t done much of anything (but take a shower and maybe eat something).  I have become suspended in time, so to speak.  Days are going by….I haven’t been to many of my classes.  I am cancelling appointments.  I am rearranging things to do at a later time.

What am I doing when I am not going and doing and being all the time?  I don’t really know.  I haven’t been sleeping.  I know I have been physically sick.  But time is getting away from me.  I am experiencing that “dissociation” again.  I am not connected to anything.  I am, but I’m not.  I know my calendar is full….but am I really there?

So, I am going to pause a moment.  (break it up, call time, catch one’s breath, cease, come to standstill, deliberate, desist, discontinue, drop, halt, hesitate, hold back, interrupt, put on hold, reflect, rest, shake, sideline, stop briefly, suspend, take a break, take a breather, take five, take ten, think twice, waver)

I am going to simplify.   I NEED to.  Somehow I have to figure out what is most important to me and go from there.  I am not so sure that where I am now, is where I need to be.

(http://zenhabits.net/simple-living-manifesto-72-ideas-to-simplify-your-life/) is the link that I am going to use to help me figure out what is important and how to simplify.  So today…… Make a list of your top 4-5 important things. What’s most important to you? What do you value most? What 4-5 things do you most want to do in your life? Simplifying starts with these priorities, as you are trying to make room in your life so you have more time for these things.

1) My family – (esp K)

2) My faith

3) My health (physical and mental)

4) My friends

5) ???

 

fall weather

This is how I feel tonight.  I have been sick all week with a cold and stuff like that.  Went to the doctor and got some antibiotics……the first ones made me swell like a cabbage patch kid….and itch and red….YUCK.  So right away called them and now I am on prednisone and different antibiotic.

~  Well, I started this blog last night and didn’t get back to it.  Was fellowshipping with my good friends from LifeChurch last night.  But the picture still holds true for this morning.  It’s a big shivery up here today.

My mind is reeling with thoughts this morning.  It’s Katey’s 8th birthday today.  We aren’t celebrating today, that will happen all weekend next weekend.  YAY.   I miss the booger.  I miss her hugs.  Her laughs.  Her all out silliness.

The other big thing on my mind this morning is:  What is God calling me to do?  This question has been in my brain for a few days but waking up thinking about it.  I wonder what is in store for me.  I get excited about the possibilities.  What doors are open to me now?   What ones will be opened next semester as I near graduation?  Might have to blog more about that all later.

My health is getting better.  This cold/flu stuff that I have is finally leaving me I believe.  My nose is still sore from blowing and my throat a bit scratchy from coughing.  But overall, I feel better.  I dislike (bigtime) being sick.  I feel like I let all sorts of people down when I am sick.  Mostly myself, I suppose.

I am under 300 now.  YAY!!  total weight loss of 28 pounds since surgery date (8/11/2011)!!  4 inches on my waist and 3 on my hips thus far.  I need to get more measurements again this next week.  I am happy about it.  At first I wasn’t sure because my brain thinks weight should be going faster, but this is fast by all other standards.    I see Dr. LaMasters on Monday.  Have a check up since I have been sick and stuff for the past couple weeks.  I also see Dr. Z on Monday.  It will be the first time since before surgery too.  Hopefully he will be nice and have some kind words.  🙂

I am trying to decide what to do first today.  I need to clean this place.  I feel human enough today that maybe I will tackle the other bedroom.  Maybe try to get the other bed set up instead of it being in the hallway.  hmmm?  anyone want to come over and help?  we could have a cleaning party.

Let love be the guide my friends.  Have an awesome Saturday.

having a time

I know I have been slacking the past few days by not writing.  It’s not that I don’t have time to write, I just haven’t felt good.  I suppose if I wait until I feel good enough to write, we all would be waiting a long time.  I realize that I have done that a lot in my life:  waiting until I feel good enough.  What happens if I don’t ever reach feeling good enough?  Then what?  I would miss out on a lot of things, that is for sure.

What do you wait to do until you feel good enough?  Most days in the past 20 some years, I think I have pushed myself through some of the days even when I didn’t feel good enough.  Both physically and mentally.

Physically, I don’t know why I am not feeling good.  I feel nauseous.  Off and on all day.  I don’t know if it is because I am hungry or rather I need to eat, or if I am just feeling sick.  I woke up today with a stuffy nose and this end of the summer cold thing.  Not liking that either.  The nausea is still there.  I am still trying to take my morning meds too..  That seems to take forever somedays.  LOL  I have come to that point where nothing sounds good to eat, so I don’t.  Then I feel sick because there is nothing in my stomach.  Either way, it’s not good.    I am under 300 now, which is absolutely wonderful.  Haven’t been in the 200’s for a long time.

Emotionally I have been feeling on the edge of tears.  All the stuff with 9/11, remembering.  Add some more remembering of the men and women who have died for us serving our country, more tears.  Then add the fact that my K will be 8 this weekend.  Time is just going to fast for me at the moment.  We were to celebrate her birthday this weekend, but my mom wants to push it out to next weekend.  That is Waldorf Homecoming weekend.  I wanted to go see friends and remember the fun.  I need to go pick up birthday gifts and stuff like that too now.  My list of “to-do” keeps growing longer and longer.

Today is going to be one of those busy days.  I have class at 11, 12:30, and 4pm.  I have an appointment in there at 2pm, then Parent to Parent training at 5:30 to 7:30pm.  I hope I can get home by 8 pm tonight.  I have a church thing tonight at 8 also.  Don’t know if I can go…..I might have to just go to bed when I get home  LOL

 

humility

hum·ble

  [huhm-buhl, uhm-] Show IPA adjective, -bler, -blest, verb, -bled, -bling.

adjective

1.

not proud or arrogant; modest: to be humble although successful.

2.

having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience,etc.: In the presence of so many world-famous writers Ifelt very humble.

3.

low in rank, importance, status, quality, etc.; lowly: ofhumble origin; a humble home.

4.

courteously respectful: In my humble opinion you arewrong.

5.

low in height, level, etc.; small in size: a humble member ofthe galaxy.

(www.dictionary.com)

This word came to mind this morning.  I am not sure why.  Maybe I need to be more humble in my life.  In what areas?  or the my whole life?

I was reading some this morning on a site where folks share about their weight loss journey (after having some sort of bariatric surgery).  I had posted there yesterday about feeling like I wasn’t where I thought I should be after having surgery just a month ago.  I have lost 22 pounds this month.  Yes, it will be one month tomorrow.  My brain is telling me that I should have lost more than that in just this first month.  The members of this site reassured me that this is an awesome start.  That my body is adjusting to losing weight in the first place.  If I feel like I have stalled out after only the first 4 weeks, my body is just readjusting.  Which makes sense.   It’s hard to not feel some discouraged tho.  I have been trying so hard for so long to just lose weight, that when I feel like I have stalled, or stopped losing for a bit, I instantly feel like a failure.  But that isn’t so.  I haven’t failed.  In fact, losing 22 pounds is amazing.  I have never before lost that much weight.

I am realizing more and more that I need to respect myself and my body.  I had a major surgery just a month ago and I am pushing myself so hard to do everything and more.  I am tired.  I know I am not eating/drinking enough daily.  I need to start again.  Each day.  Set up my day so that I can achieve the things I need to for that day.  I look at my calendar and each day is packed with things to do and places to go.  But I forget to eat in there.  So, I will start writing in there that I need to eat lunch.  Reminders to drink water and protein.

It’s hard to not get discouraged.  Having been the fat girl for so long, just maintaining is feeling like failure.  It’s really strange how my brain perceives this.  Why do I feel like I have to be my weight?  or that my weight makes me who I am?  Can’t I just exist without having to look at the numbers on the scale?  Do and will people always judge me by the clothes I wear or what size I am?

For me to be humble is to be ok with whatever comes my way.  I don’t believe that I am arrogant.  I don’t want to be better than anyone else.  I want to be equal to them.  I am equal.

Happy Labor Day!

This day is just about come to an end.  I got home shortly after supper time.  I have been trying to catch up on homework, facebook, emails, etc.  It’s just weird how much I have missed with being gone for four days.

Spent the weekend with K and my mom.  Tiny was there too.  He was grumpy.  So I won’t count him.  I played lots of cribbage and ate way too much for not being able to eat much anyways.  Weird eating this weekend.  My mom can cook/bake like nobody’s business.  It’s hard to eat healthy when she’s around.  K went swimming.  Was too cold for this old body.  So had fun just watching her.  It rained up in Minnesota for a couple days.  Playing go fish and watching movies was a blast too.  K thinks she can play cribbage, but she just likes to count by ten and 5’s.  it’s so cute.

I had to have a roasted/toasted marshmallow….couldn’t pass up that on a camping trip!!  It didn’t settle real well in the tummy tho.  I think if I ate too much sugary type stuff…it went right through me.  So, not gonna do much of that.  Luckily I like the veggies mom put on the grill….LOVED THAT!!  Even though it was very chilly at night up there, I loved snuggling with K.   Mom tried so hard this weekend to make it so good, Tiny was in a crabby mood and then J came with E and J.  Mom got upset.  It was like everyone seemed in the way this weekend at times.  I wanted to help her as much as I could, but she would tell me to just sit down, blah blah blah.

Overall, we all had a good weekend.  Despite not having “gas” this morning for the water heater and the stove. I drank coffee this morning to stay warm.  Grabbed a blanket and snuggled with K while watching morning cartoons.  Good bonding time.  Mom and I had some good bonding time too.

My niece had her baby on Friday too.  His name is Emerson James.  He is a real cutie.  looks just like his big sister.  I have a picture of him…..I don’t know if I have one of J tho??  hmmmm

Isn’t he a sweetie pie?  I hope to get up there again to meet him.  Maybe on K’s birthday weekend.  Who knows if they will come.  Since I am the horrible person B’s mother says I am.  Whatever.  LOL  I take it with a grain of salt.  I know who my friends are and I know that my nieces and nephews like me for the most part.  J (my sister) and her family can hate me or hate mom or hate K, but that will be and always be their loss.  I know I am not perfect, I make mistakes just like the rest of the world.  But I am willing to take responsibility for mine.  Just sayin.

Anyways, welcome to the world, my great nephew EJB.  You will be loved up like all the rest !! *smiles*  I love you even tho you don’t know me yet, little man.  I will always love you EJ!!

All sorts of things running through my head at the moment.  So will have to try to gather more thoughts before tomorrow and write something a little more sensible.

HUGS TO ALL!!

I get it!!!

I get it, I get it, I get it….I get it!!!  After a week of being (what felt like) beat over the head with messages (blessings) from friends, I think I finally get it.  “Stop playing with fire!!”    These questions and simple truths come from Pastor Eric Sloter.  His blog “Simply Begin with Christ”  – http://www.cvcc.net/blog

the questions of the week:  The Question is:  Are you swimming with the tide or against it?

                                        The Simple Truth: Sex is everywhere, surrounding us like an ocean without end.

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The Question is: Where are you fixing your eyes? Things of life or things of death?

The Simple Truth: The devil doesn’t make us do it. We do and we should admit it.

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The Question is: What if I hadn’t confessed and repented?  What’s holding you back?

The Simple Truth: More than twenty years later I’m still free and Joni’s still my wife. (Pastor Eric)

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The Question is: Are you, beyond all your rules, cultivating a life that is uniquely “you,” a life filled with the true life and true love of God?

The Simple Truth: Only love . . . self-giving . . . self-sacrificing . . . other-celebrating love . . . can create what is truly life.

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The Question is: Where are you playing with fire?

The Simple Truth: Fire is always looking for fuel and it won’t hesitate to feed off you.

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I get it God.  Thank you for putting people into my life that can tell me like it is.  I finally get it!!