Nothing interesting…

I don’t really have anything interesting on my mind tonight.  So, I am just going to post a few quotes that I have been focusing on lately.  Enjoy.

For those of you that think about thinking. Stop thinking about it and just think.

It’s all about love, baby!! Loving yourself, loving God, loving your friends, loving your life. You are worth it all my friends!!! ♥♥†♥♥

Even if you are not responsible for your situation, you are responsible for your reaction to it.

Sometimes the people who have the greatest roles in teaching us lessons and leading us to progress are the people who are the most challenging.

Happiness does not come from the sources that most people seek, but from specific practices in our lives. We can control far more than we realize in achieving happiness. ♥†♥

“Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.”
~ Sophia Loren

‎”Whatever you are, be a good one.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

Wherever you go, go with all your heart.
~Confucius

Do you sometimes feel small? Be encouraged by these words from Psalm 8. God loves you.

Psalm 8:3-5 When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them? You have made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor. (NIV)

Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you,
brother, have refreshed the hearts of the saints.
— Philemon 1:7

He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.
– Friedrich Nietzsche –

You might not end up where you thought you’d be, but you will always end up where you’re meant to be. – Right where God intended you to be all along. ♥

If time heals all wounds, then why don’t the belly button fill in???

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through the experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved. – Helen Keller

My Changing Body?

Do you ever feel like you are the beginning of a new phase in your life?  Again?  Seems life is full of beginnings and endings.  I think I blogged about this before, but here I am again with it.

I am two and a half weeks out from the VGS surgery.  I feel really weird.  I don’t know if that is a good term or not for it, but I will go with it for now.  My body is going through all these changes.  Morphing into a new body, new way of seeing myself physically.  I was walking to the WRC (Wellness and Rec Center) at UNI yesterday.  I saw my reflection in the glass doors.  I still didn’t like what I saw there.  I still look frumpy and fat.  Even tho when I weighed this morning, another 3 pounds gone.  It’s strange how the pounds seem to be coming off, but the feeling or how I look at my body is still the same as before the surgery.  Friends have said my face looks thinner.  Ok, I may buy into that one.  But, why not the rest of my body?

I am tired.  Been tired for the past 4 days.  I am thinking maybe I should give my doc a jingle.  But part of me is really scared to do that.  Why?  I don’t know.  I don’t wanna be sick.  Sick as in my blood levels being out of whack.  I don’t wanna take more supplements, vitamins.  Can’t they just shoot them into me with a shot of some sort?  I started back on the water pill.  The edema is finally gone from my feet and legs.  They don’t feel like heavy logs anymore.  Maybe that is what is messing me up again.

I took my laundry over to the “laundromat” at the office.  I had to park in the lot as the maintenance guys are here and won’t let anyone up pull up to the sidewalk.  So, I carried my load of laundry to the door.  I was amazed that I wasn’t out of breath.  My legs/knees didn’t hurt as bad.  Maybe something is happening.  Maybe I am feeling it happen, this changing in my body.  I know I can’t run yet, but maybe someday.  I see the orthopedic doc tomorrow.  I wonder what he will say.  He was the first doctor that ever said to me, “ever consider weight loss surgery?”  And that was on the first day that I meet the guy.  How nice??

I called Angie this morning.  Left a message.  Called Dr. J too.  Why?   I haven’t talked to him in ages.  I suppose I just feel the need to let him know all these changes as well.  People ask me now, how much weight have you lost?  I am not keeping track that much…well more so now so that I can answer people.  I hate it when numbers are so important.  I don’t even know what my goal weight is supposed to be.  I never asked Dr. LaMasters.  Weird huh?  I don’t really know or want to know.  I just want to lose and feel better.  I want to buy clothes in a real store.  I want people to notice the changes.  Is that conceited?  People know me as the fat girl.  I was the fat girl in high school.  You know you are fat when you play volleyball and they have to find a different uniform cuz they don’t have sizes big enough for you.  But I weighed 189 pounds in high school.  And that was considered fat?  Geesh, take a look at me now and I must be gigantic?  I don’t think so.  How many other tags that were stuck on me?  They are probably numerous and I don’t want to hash them out now.

Back to finding this a new beginning.  The “old” me needs to end.  The old tapes, old messages from others.  I have been trying and trying to be positive.  I post so many positive quotes and bible passages on my facebook.  Not necessarily for others to read, but I need to see them.  I need to soak them in.  Maybe it’s a way of faking out my brain from the old stuff into the new.

God is in the business of bringing dead things to life.

God doesn’t get fired up about failure….He gets fired up when somebody’s failure is bigger than their faith.

Faith is the conviction of things unseen.  – Dr. Henry Cloud

 

Monday, Monday

Good Morning.  I don’t usually blog in the morning, but today I am just going to try something different.

After spending a fair amount of time feeling sorry for myself, for reasons that are just about what I think I need, I am starting this day with a newer vision.  I realize that people are fallible.  I sure am.  I make mistakes.  Sometimes unknowingly and sometimes not.  I can apologize when the reality smacks me square in the face.  But moving forward instead being held back by my unwanting to come to terms of what is.

People change.  Situations change.  Sometimes my “old” brain struggles to keep up.  But, it’s a new week.  I have a whole 7 more days of living differently this week.  Tonight I am meeting up with an old friend.  I am sure we will have lots of laughs, maybe tears, who knows.  What I do know is that being with old friends remind me of how far I have come.  I will relish in the changes I have made along with the changes of my friend.  Life isn’t meant to be alone.

This week’s message at http://live.lifechurch.tv is about “Two-Gather”.  The message is all about having the right people around us. This is an important biblical principle for all of us, but it’s especially important for new believers. New believers need to be surrounded by Christians who can encourage and support them in the life-changes they’re making to follow Christ. Life is best done in community.  ‎”For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them. Matthew 18:20 NLT

Today, I am doing life together.  With fellow students in class, with old friends and new.  We weren’t meant to be alone.

I challenge you today to share with someone your life.  Be it a friend, neighbor, co-worker.  Smile, talk, have a coffee together.  That is what life is all about.  I am with YOU heart and soul!!

“The continual awareness of what was going on made me feel ashamed I wasn’t saying anything. I burst out because I could no longer play that game any more, it was just too much for me.”
John Lennon

(oh btw…weight loss this morning…another 3 pounds!!  woohoo!!)

 

AJ, me, Danny, Karen

friends together…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keep up

I have been kinda bummed today.  I woke up feeling like something was missing.  I came out  to the computer thinking maybe I would find some sort of inspiration if not a smile or two.  My email was full of other peoples’ blogs that I am following….read them…some inspiring, some just kinda silly.  A smile.  It was about 8:30am and I decided “heck, I am going to head over to Cedar Valley church”.  Showered and changed, hair done etc.  Out the door by 9:30.  As I drive into the huge parking lot, I see some physical changes of the church since I haven’t been there in awhile.  It still is an awesome church.  I walk in, no one at the door (like there used to be).  I walk casually down the hallway/entrance way.  No one says hello.  No one looks my direction.  The feeling in the air is weird.  I see a few folks that I remember from a year ago or so when I attended more often.  Still no one says a word to me.  I just smile and say good morning.  I keep walking.  No one.  I enter the sanctuary, look around to figure out where I want to sit.  I aim for the middle.  Sounds good to me.  As I sit, one man comes over to me.  He is someone I have seen there before.  I remember his wedding that took place last year at the church.  He says good morning and asks me how I am.  I smile and respond, also thanking him for the paper he handed me.  On his way to welcome others.  I sit.  Sit.  Sit.  Waiting patiently, thinking, this is weird for people to just not greet one another much.  Soon the band is up on the stage playing some good beats.  Paul is playing drums today.  That was odd to me cuz usually he is in front singing.  His kids and Julia (I think it was her sister), sat in front of me.  Nice folks.  Singing praises.  New gal leading the music.  Cool.  I can handle that.  Then come Pastor Eric.  He is a bold man of Christ.  I love listening to him speak.  He always seems to have words that are spot on for me.  Today….”Can you hear me now?”….the last of that series.  He gets excited when he speaks.  Reminds me of Pastor Craig.  You can tell when they are passionate about what they are speaking about when they start talking faster.  It’s cool.  You gotta keep up tho….

Keeping up…… I am not doing very well in that area of life.  Keeping up with people, places, things.  Well, maybe I am and I just don’t feel it yet.  I mean I have caught up with camp friends, Waldorf friends, Kansas friends, ISU friends, and UNI friends….on facebook.  I wouldn’t trade catching up with these folks for nothin.  I am happy they are back in my life.  Some are still the great and fun people I once knew, others have grown “stiff, unwavering, cynical”.  What about me?  How am I coming across these days?  I hope people know that I have overcome a (excuse the expression) huge ass hurdle in my life.  I am finally feeling normal.  Whatever normal maybe.  I feel good.  I feel alive.  I feel happy.  Content.  But am I keeping up?  Who I am judging myself against now?

My head isn’t keeping up with my body now.  I know in my head what I want to look like or what the surgery is supposed to be doing.  I don’t think my body agrees yet.  I don’t see the changes I was hoping for.  It’s only 18 days out from surgery and I feel like I should be doing more.  My brain is telling me that I need to look this way or that.  But my eyes don’t see it.  Sure the scale numbers are going down some….not enough?  I don’t know what I am supposed to be feeling right now.  Maybe I am not supposed to be anything.  It’s life.  Something I just need to adjust to.  I know I don’t like feeling like I am not keeping up.  I know I don’t like feeling in limbo either.

another finding on FB today.  I need to read this everyday!!

I do not define myself by how many roadblocks have appeared in my path.

I define myself by the courage I’ve found to forge new roads.

I do not define myself by how many disappointments I’ve faced.

I define myself by the forgiveness and the faith I have found to begin again.

I do not define myself by how long a relationship lasted.

I define myself by how much I have loved, and been willing to love again.

I do not define myself by how many times I have been knocked down.

I define myself by how many times I have struggled to my feet.

I am not my pain.

I am not my past.

I am that which has emerged from the fire……

By: Live Laugh Love

 

It’s amazing what you find sometimes when you aren’t looking.  I am back on my feet again.  Gotta get my brain in sync again.  I am sure it will come.  I am sure that I am doing just fine.  I am doing my best.  I am moving forward.  I am loving, living, and laughing.  What more can I ask for?

Gonna end this post with a quote from Eckhart Tolle.

Whether or not you are engaged in a lot of “doing” in your life, “being”
is primary. If you lose touch with being, you lose yourself in your 
mind, you lose yourself in doing, and you won’t do any good for anybody,
really.

Eckhart Tolle

Waiting

I have been up and about since about 5:30 AM this morning.  I got a lot done before it was even 11 AM.  I came back from WalMart and decided to take a short nap.  It ended up being 2 hours.  How come when you sleep the time seems to go by faster?  It’s so weird.

This afternoon, it feels like I am waiting.  Not sure what I am waiting for, but it just seems like something should be going on.  It’s quiet here, except for the sound of the AC turning on and off.  The sun is bright and warm.  But I wait.  I keep thinking I oughta be doing something, anything.  But I don’t know what.

In the quietness, I think.  I wonder how my friends are doing.  Should I text them and see what’s up?  Should I just keep reading facebook and figure it out for myself?  Then I wonder if I have any fences to mend.  Did I let some people down this week?  Who?  Do I need to apologize?  Do I need to just move on?  Waiting……. the answers aren’t coming.

So I take a deep breath. Stare at the computer screen and just get lost in the nothingness.  Maybe my brain is still sleeping?  Maybe I should go for another drive?  But where?  and Why?

Waiting is weird for me.  I mean I wait in doctor offices.  That doesn’t bother me much (unless I am in a hurry).  I waited to day in the check out line at WalMart.  That didn’t bother me much either.  I am still waiting to see if I get mail today.  Whatever.

We all wait it seems.  For what?

People on the East Coast right now are waiting for Hurricane Irene to hit where ever it is going to.  Taking the precautions where necessary.  People in Texas are waiting for it to rain and cool off some.  Don’t know what the people out on the West Coast are waiting for….maybe just going to the beach or meeting someone famous.  I don’t know.  People in the Mid-West are probably waiting for a little bit of rain or are just getting ready for harvest to be here.  Maybe the Minnesota State Fair.  (hehehe)

I think I need to change my thoughts some while I wait.  I know I am trying to be more positive and see the good before thinking of the bad.  I wonder if God waits for us?  He probably does sometimes.  Maybe He waits for us to make a decision to follow Him.  Maybe He waits for us to call on Him, call out to Him in prayer.  Maybe He waits for us to sing with praise.  Share His word.  Be His voice to other people.  I think God is good at waiting.  He sticks by us even when we are “ugly”, as my mom calls it.  I think He waits for us to make our next move.  Will it involve knowing what is right and what is wrong?  What truths He has set before us that we use in our decision making?

I sure know God is patient.  He waits for us to come back around when we wander away.  He’s always there when I come back.  He welcomes me with open arms.

All this waiting makes me think of a song.  It’s called “While I’m Waiting” by John Waller.  I will post it below so you can hear it.  Listen to the words.  “I will serve You while I’m waiting.  I will worship while I’m waiting.  I will not faint.  I’ll be runnin the race, even while I wait.”

 

How Do You Know?

While doing some reading this morning I came across this little excerpt from a man named Phil Ware.  He is talking about how do you know when the Lord is speaking to you?  This is just a bit of the entire message but since I have been trying to figure out what I need/want to do after graduation next May, I will share it.

—>  Okay, I know what some of you are thinking, because I’ve had people say
it to me:

“Does that mean God is just going to whisper it in my ear? I’m not
Jesus, and I’m sure that’s how God did it for him, but I’m not sure
he will do that for me.”

God can reveal it to you however that he wants to reveal it to you. My
experience, however, suggests it often comes as a repeated, emphasized,
redundant message from the Holy Spirit experienced in a variety of
ways, including some of the following:

 * a strong conviction placed on your heart.

 * a repeated message you hear in church songs or songs on the radio
   or in the words of a friend.

 * a message you receive when you are reading Scripture, listening to
   a message from God’s word, or reading a book tied to Scripture.

 * a message you receive when you are talking to your spouse or parent
   or child.

 * a note you receive by email or on a card or in a letter.

Whatever way you receive this repeated message, the important thing is
to begin to notice it and then live it out as your “One Tune” — the
mission God has given you for this stage of your life’s journey. And as
you live it out, learn to say, “NO!” to many of the good and not so
good opportunities, so that you can say “YES!” to the most important
ones, the ones that are aligned with the “One Tune” God has given you
to sing with your life!

Say “I’m sorry”

I woke up this morning and the first words out of my mouth was, “I’m sorry”.  It’s been kind of weird morning.  Saying “I’m sorry”., is more than just words.  It’s about doing something where you have wronged someone.  I sometimes think I am doing the right thing, but then ends up not so much.  Reminds me of the verse from Ephesians 4:32 – 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Sometimes I wonder about the things I say.  Does it really make a difference?  I have to say yes.  Never before have I been as bold as I am now.  This is not to say that I don’t mis-speak many times, but I am feeling more.  A while ago during the healing process and many times of thinking, I realized that I won’t apologize anymore for how I feel.  Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are.  Not good or bad either.  Now when I talk about how I feel and blow up and hurt someone, that is not right and I will apologize for how I said whatever it was I said.  That’s called life.

My heart is open to the opinions of others.  It’s doesn’t mean I have to agree with everything but I will acknowledge what is being said.

Something has happened inside my heart.  God has opened me to the realm of possibilities.  I wonder what God has in store for me.  I look ahead a bit and see graduation from UNI.  What’s next?  I’m not sure.  God has opened doors that I never thought I would have the opportunity to even fathom the idea.  But He has.  Sometimes I wish He didn’t trust me so much.

‎~One Day at a Time~

Whatever the goal we’re pursuing,
no matter how rugged the climb,
we’re certain to get there
by trying our best,
and taking One Day At A Time.

“Forever” is hard to imagine,
“the future” may seem far away-
but every new dawn
brings a wonderful chance
to do what we can on that day.

~Emily Matthews

(thanks Trey for a beautiful picture)

Busy Day

Today I saw my family practice doc, well his PA.  She was happy that I am doing so well this early after the surgery.  The nurse I had was also telling me about her brother who had this surgery about 6 months ago and has lost nearly 200 lbs.  A.MA.ZING!!!  I am so excited at the possibilities.  It’s hard to imagine that I could be 100 pounds lighter in just a few more months.  I don’t really “feel” any different now.  I have noticed though, I am able to sit in some armed chairs and be comfortable and not squished.  So cool.  I look in the mirror and don’t see a lot of changes yet.  But I know it will come.

I had a lot of blood work done today and it all came back good but my iron is still borderline low.  So gotta keep on top of that.

I have been trying to stay really positive lately.  Keep reminding myself that I am one of God’s children and deserve to feel good.  He has done some pretty awesome things in my life in the last year.  I have some wonderful and supportive friends.  My mom and I are closer than we have ever been.  I started back at UNI with classes that are going to be so awesome. (well lots of work but awesome none the less).  I have just had lots of opportunities open up to me this year.  It’s August and I have so much to be thankful for.

One thing I have learned is Christianity is like this weight loss stuff.  It’s a whole lifestyle change.  Finding God is an invitation to find life.  Just as this surgery is giving me an opportunity to find a different life.  Except this invitation is about a relationship with Christ.  It’s not religion.  It’s a relationship.  Christ overcame so much pain in the world.  This relationship with Christ is not easy.  It doesn’t come without pain and some suffering too.  It does give you a purpose and meaning in a world of confusion and darkness.  It is real.  Christ is real.

God is calling me to do some pretty bold things these days.  I am speaking boldly, acting boldly for myself and for Christ.  God really does heal the brokenhearted (Psalm 147:3).  I was one of those brokenhearted people.  He has given me life.  A life like I have never know before.  Found this quote this morning: Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do.  I am not going to let anything stop me from believing and doing what my heart is telling me to do and be.

2 Corinthians 5:17-21    17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.20 We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.  21 God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

30 Day Blog Challenge – Day 30

Day 30: A picture of yourself this day and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge

I can’t believe this is the last day of this challenge.  It has really helped me to think about some things that I haven’t really given thought to for a very long time.  So here are the 5 good things that have happened since starting this challenge:

1.  I have gained more confidence in what I write and think and say.

2.  Reading people’s comments has been very inspiring.  New friends and old friends.

3.  The mess with Iowa Medicaid and payment for Bariatric surgery has been overturned.

4.  I had my VSG surgery done.

5.  Classes have started at UNI, and so far so good.

This is a picture of me from Monday, August 22, 2011.  1st Day of classes at UNI.

 

Post op visit

WOW!!  9 pounds in 9 days.  How amazing is that?  Dr. LaMasters said that she thinks that I am doing pretty well.  The incisions are healing just fine too.  Dr. Brady told me I was on track.  We went over some weight loss goals.  My first goal is to get under 300.  Which I am almost there.  My weight yesterday was 313.  When I weighed before surgery I was at 322.  After I meet the 299 goal….I want to reach for 270.  I have looked at the dates yet to see what the target date is.  I will be working on that later today.

Eating is so different now.  Mostly getting protein from shakes and drinks.  I can start eating things like chicken salad, tuna salad, egg salad.  It’s getting better.  Just have to eat the soft/liquidy foods.  I can start eating scrambled eggs and mashed potatoes.  This morning I am drinking my shake and enjoying some oatmeal with some fresh peach puree in it.  Doesn’t taste half bad.  I can’t take my meds all at once either.  One at a time.  Good thing they discontinued some of my meds now.  I made an appointment to see Dr. Goetsch here in town to get some blood work done.  Gotta keep up on the iron, potassium, VitD, and uric acid levels.  They were the ones giving me such trouble before.

I put on a pair of capris that were a little tight before.  They fit great now.  Amazing feeling being able to get into something that was tight before and now is very comfortable.

This journey is off to a running start now.  It’s very exciting and very fun.  I will be starting Zumba water aerobics after Labor Day.  I am excited about that also.  Last semester about half way through they cancelled the class cuz people didn’t come.  So I am really hoping people stick this out.

Second day of classes today.  I have 3 of them:  The Holocaust, Fundraising and Budget/Grant Writing, and Non-Profit Youth agencies.  Start at 11 and will be home sometime around 6pm.

Life is good.  God is good all the time.   And all the time God is good.