Tired body and mind

This post is brought to you with a heavy heart and tired body and mind. I haven’t been feeling all that well lately. Not quite sure exactly why…I think it’s a combination of many things.

Single Parenting… With K’s ADD and RAD, I have been at wit’s end with figuring out what to do with her and me and life and everything…..adjusting to everything….newness and things changing all the time

Work…I’m always exhausted. Seriously, I am sluggish all day long.  Feeling like my supervisor is constantly watching me after my warning a few weeks ago…..I feel like I can make NO mistakes at all.

Exercise…non existent.

Personal life…non existent.
Spiritual life……lacking big time….

I have to admit, I have a lot going on at the moment. Maybe too much, but it’s necessary. I think perhaps, I need to take better care of myself emotionally and physically to help my body cope with such a heavy work load. I feel depressed, but not quite…I don’t know just how to explain it; not quite sad, just down. I guess it’s just my body’s way of telling me…”I need some additional help.”  My body is breaking down.  I know I need to get in and see my GP.  I have physical issues that need to be addressed, but I can’t find time to get in there.  Kind of like trying to get into the chiro to get my neck and back fixed up, after falling on the ice a week and half ago….I have had a constant headache for 5 days now.  Can hardly see straight.  I continue to go to therapy for myself with Adam.  I also go to therapy with K….it’s a new therapy for attachment disorders.  For me this is quite stressful.

I think my body has been telling me exactly what it needs for a long time and I’ve just been ignoring it. A weekend break…a technology fast for one weekend. I have to make time for some relaxation. I can’t keep on going like this. I’ll forever remain miserable. I know I need some “me” time.  I have tried to explain to K that I can’t spend every waking hour with her and entertaining her.  She is 9 years old and should be able to find her own things to entertain herself.

And…of course, I haven’t been real good at keeping up with blogging. It’s an amazing stress reliever when I do write. Love sitting here, typing away…sharing my thoughts with you all…listening to music.   I long for this, it’s pure bliss. Oh….I LOVE my blog. I don’t know what I would do without it and of course, you all…my lovely readers. You all keep me sane. 🙂

Note to self: Get off your butt and go chase your happiness. It’s running away from you.

This MAMA still rocks!!! ♥

 

 

I tell ya…with all the crap and busy-ness that has been going on, I still passed both my classes with a B!!  ROCK ON!!  My grade point is still high!!  I will still be in honors.  sooo….all I have to say, once again is:  to all those who keep doubting me on what I can and can not do…..%^&$ *(&!!  LOL  This mom has it together!!!

 

Sad but true…sometimes I really like laughing at those who don’t think that I can’t do anything.  People doubted me that I could handle having K back home with me.  Dealing with her challenging behaviors, starting in a new school, new neighborhood.  Well, yes, it’s been a challenge but you know, I AM DOING IT!!  and working full time and going to school full-time as well.  Don’t anyone tell me I can’t do it!!!  Just because in my past, I really sucked.  I failed and failed but I came back up fighting.  I struggled with depression and anxiety….labeled with bi-polar and general anxiety and PTSD.  Well, yeah, I still deal with those issues…but I am coping much much better and therefore am able to live with myself better.  Which makes living with my daughter a lot better too.

*stepping off my soapbox*

It is such a beautiful season up here.  The trees are about done with their  colors tho.  But the air has been crisp and very nice.  Cool evenings.  I like the window open just a tad….cool air…great sleeping weather.

Today was foggy and drizzly out.  Rainy actually.  But it still was a good day.  I got a batch of apple butter done.  K helped me pour the ingredients in the crock pot.  Helped put the apples in the food processor.  She is a good little cook.  We will make some apple crisp tomorrow.  Or maybe apple dumplings.  Either one will be yummy.  So much for my diet.  I can eat it…just not all of it!!  lol

 

I managed to get the scale to move this week.  Lost a pound and a half.  Guess all this walking I have been doing is getting it moving again.  I think that I manage to get in about 2 -2 and half miles a day.  I love it.  I wish the Y here had an earlier water aerobics class that I could hit before heading to work.  But the earliest is 7:30am.  I have to be at school by 8.  Won’t work.

So, I will continue to walk.  I have some free weights here at home.  Also some thera-bands.  I need to get moving with them as well.  I can’t wait until December….I will get my new tv.  (I put it on lay-away).  Then I can hook up the Wii and start working out with that.  I can’t wait.  K has been bugging me about getting it hooked up.  She wants to do bowling.  me too.  LOL

Have a great rest of the weekend.

 

chronic pain and coping and life in general right now

6.7.12

pain and other stuff.  that is the topic today.

I have a couple other conditions which play into the pain thing for me.  I have Lupus, fibromyalgia, the beginning stage of Rheumatoid Arthritis. statrting stages of degenerative disk disease.  they figure it’s pretty much genetic related as I have many relatives with these things.  my sister is also in the early stages of RA.  pretty much have to figure out to cope with pain on a daily basis.  like most things, some days are really pretty good and others really suck.  depending on the weather, stress, etc.

i don’t particularly feel stressed out by all the crap going on in my life….with my plate full of stuff.  but my body i think is.  my emotions are pretty in check, reaction to the pain.  i don’t feel depressed, but i don’t feel really happy.  i am mostly content or at peace at this moment.  if that makes sense.  yes, there is stress with having moving going on, knowing katey will be with me in a couple weeks, school stuff.  but for me i find ways to make it manageable for me.  i exercise, which is very hard for me sometimes, but i make myself do it.  i get up and go swim just about everyday.  the water is warmer, which helps every joint and muscle.  with lap swimming i take my time.  i try to swim laps for 45 mintues before doing the water aerobics class.  this movement is good to make sure i don’t “freeze” up.  sometimes it hurts a bit, but then, i feel pretty ok afterwards.

i can’t do most pain meds due to having the VSG gastric surgery.  ibuprofin is something i have to watch.  hydrocodone works, but have to take it on a real regular basis.  docs aren’t sure if that is good for me.  my gp gave me flexeril yesterday….it helped the spasms and stuff.  i am awake at 4am….which is weird.  but starting to be a “routine” for me as pain wakes me…then i take another hydrocodone and try to sleep again.  sometimes it works to help me get back to sleep.  other narcotic meds leave in me in  a fog….usually most the day after taking them i HATE that.  so I use them very very sparingly….taking them after supper time….making me tired but the pain is maneagable. for a time.

today i head to the spine clinic.  not sure what to expect.  the x-rays taken last friday showed a “bump” or lump on my hip bone near my spine.  could be a calicum build-up…had that before on a couple other bones, they operate and shave it down.  but that it’s close to my spine is very scary.  also then my mind goes to the cancer thing.  my dad had cancer, it ended up going into his bones, etc.  my brain goes to town with it.  i am trying to not jump to conclusions just yet as i just found out about this yesterday with Dr. Bill, my gp.  this weather wreaks havioc on my pain levels too.  weird weather patterns this year has caused many flares.

i had therapy yesterday and we talked about the chronic pain and my lack of managing it.  Adam was a tad upset as it has a toll emotionally on me too.  I need to not let my high pain tolerance and take over and i find myself “grin and bear it” attitude pop in.  I need to listen to my body more which means accepting myself where i am and being more pro-active about this.  so a new territory for me to venture down.  i don’t like to let people know exactly how much pain i am in cuz i don’t want anyone to think i am a baby and cant handle pain.  does that make sense?  i know going to the spine clinic today is a first step in taking control of this pain stuff.  i don’t know what is going to happen today but i am praying that i find some answers and not a whole of doc wanting to medicate me.  i have tried massage therapy, hot stone therapy, hot tubs, saunas, swimming, chiropractic, healing touch, sacral crainal therapy….they work, but also the cost is usually out of pocket, insurance doesn’t cover this kind of alternative healing stuff.  they are effective for me, but i can’t always afford them.  i try to find deals etc when i can.  like next week after all this moving stuff, either next thursday or friday, i have a 90 minute massage, hot stone and aromatherapy appointment.  i got a great deal from Groupon for this.  cost me only 40 dollars for what is usually 120.  so i am trying but it isn’t a regular routine.  wish it could be, but i do what i can.

walking is hard somedays…same with sitting, standing and laying down.  i try to keeep moving around to make it comfortable. so that is where i am with this.  i hope to get more answers today.  oh, i started physical therapy for my knees this week.  maybe this doc will have them work on all my joints, esp my low back and hip.  i just don’t know.

trying to stay positive.  trying to stay busy.  trying to be ok with it all.  having wonderful friends like you guys is very helpful even if i don’t delve into the emotion and etc about all this stuff.  don’t want to bother anyone with my complaining.  lol

on another note, mom called me 2 or 3 times yesterday with some news regarding k.  she is dealing with swimmer’s ear.  so will be finding some ear plug things for her when she swims now.  she is getting her tonsils out finally on June 25.  that is the monday after vacation bible school for her up here.  the surgery will be in mason city iowa.  so will be going down after vbs on friday or saturday.  stay down there until monday late or possibly tuesday.  bring her back here with me.  the doc said i need to keep an eye on her very closely for 4-5 days.  lots of popcicles, jello, water, etc.  i am trying to make arrangements for the couple hours on tuesday evening and wednesday afternoon when i have class.  other than those 2 hours each day, i will be home with her.  lots of time to be close and be mom.  i wouldn’t worry so much about classes but that is my last week of class, gotta show up. yuck. my mom also set up an appointment with the lawyer that will be working with all the paperwork needed to be done to finalize my adoption back of k.  sounds weird but that is what i have to do, the reverse of what mom did.  iowa has a weird human services system.  here in MN it’s much more simple and easy to understand, i find.  but iowa plainly sucks.  to say the least.  but i will do the hoop jumping once again.

so yes, lots on my plate but i am not depressed about it.  i am maintaining using new and more effective coping.  therapy is good.Adam has helped me understand the why’s and how’s.  he offers suggestions to try to help make coping easier.  i don’t feel the need to return to the old crap that caused me more emotional pain.  i did slip back into some emotional eating stuff in the recent weeks…perhaps why the plateau is lasting so long. but i am aware now of what i am doing and am trying to make some better food choices…some days are better than others, but working on it more.  self image plays a huge part of it.  still have trouble liking myself.  go figure.

anyways, this is where i am at…what’s going on.  sorry for the “book” about it all.

i love you guys…my sisters and brothers in Chrst.  my support.  my friends.  i admire your courage and strength that each of you have.  it helps me to keep going too.  even when you have bad days…even when i have bad days, your encouagement of each other and me, inspires me to keep going and keep trying to get better.you have been a constant life line for me for many years now.  thank you.

ok…gonna try to get some more sleep before actually having to get up and start my day.

love and hugs to all

Scars and pain

Memories and Scars

sometime ago…years in fact…i was a girl who self mutilated.

i cut to bring relief to my pain inside my heart, inside my soul…

i cut to see if i was really alive

i cut to see if my blood was really as bad as they say it was.

i cut to release so much pent up anger.

man, i used to be so angry.

at my parents, friends, so-called friends, men, ex’s, MYSELF…

It’s been at least nearly 6 years since I last physically hurt myself on purpose.

amazing how times goes by

i have found new coping skills, new ways of thinking.

i try them out and figure out what works for me.

the rest….well…i toss to the side.

cliches suck.  one day at a time.  chin up.  pull yourself up by your boot straps.

ridiculous words that done really mean much to me.  it’s like not taking time to really think of a response to whatever I am saying or going though.

it’s really irritating.  it’s down right frustrating sometimes.

though my scars remain, some of the hurt is still there.

i haven’t talked about that for quite some time.

weight issues, shame, fear, sexual situations that weren’t good for me,

self esteem.

yeah…i have come a long way.  but it seems so much more to go.

so many things to explore.

to figure out how NOT to go back to that place again.

I acknowledge YOUR pain….YOUR scars.

I see YOUR hurt.  I am with you.

I want to listen.  I want to understand.  I want to be that friend that doesn’t judge but just listens with my heart.

Your heart pain…..is my heart pain.  Together we can get through this.

I AM HERE FOR YOU!!  ALWAYS!!!  ♥ Julie

another rough day

It was another rough day with K.  She was either very tired or just needed/wanted to push limits.  She did fairly well at Mayo Clinic with Robin and me.  I got my shot in my knee.  Robin took her to get some breakfast and they rode up and down the escalators for the 45 minutes I was in for my appointment.  LOL  the small joys of life.

The drive home was a bit rough.  Lots of I want and YOU need to let me…..

then the crying starts in.  and more whining.  uffda….I have a hard time with the whining part.  Came very close to losing my cool with her.

So we took her to get her hair cut after we got back home.  She even was a pistol in there.  Acting like a little kid.  She is 8 but acting more like a 3 year old.  I don’t know how to get her to “grow up” to her age of 8.  It’s so difficult to keep my cool when she is like that.  But I did.  We didn’t do anything today after that.  We get back home and she was still in her funk.  Finally, I just said, ok, that’s it.  Let’s go up stairs.  We are gonna lay down.  She was asleep within 15 minutes.  I laid up there with her.  I read a book while she slept.  She ended up sleeping almost 2 hours.  She woke up in a bit of a better mood.  Until she figured out that she couldn’t be on the Wii all evening.  another meltdown.  uffda.  I tell ya.  I just don’t know how to make this better for her.  She can’t always have everything she wants or thinks she needs.

I don’t know.  I think my parenting skills have gone out the window.  I try.  Lord knows I try.  But I don’t know what to do anymore.  I see where my mom has so many difficulties with her.  Why does everything seem so hard with her?

On a different note…..got some new clothes again today.  AMAZING!!  I am in a size that is 4 sizes smaller than last year at this time.  I am just floored.  My weight has kind of plateau’ed for the past couple weeks, but my inches are still coming off.  So I think that would still be a small victory.  I got 3 new pair of capri’s.  A couple shirts too.  I love it.  The only thing about WLS that suck is the skin that hangs after losing weight.  Seems I got plenty of that.  LOL  Maybe when I get down more towards my goal weight, I can have some of that taken off.  Will have to see how much that will cost etc.

I leave for Iowa on Sunday.  I will be at my mom’s doin the mom thing for about 2 weeks while she is in Texas.  I hope K’s behavior is better by that time.  I have no clue what I will be doing while there.  I don’t have anything there.  I will take my computer and my kindle and some paperwork I need to get done.  Maybe I can apply for jobs while there.  I don’t know.  What if they call for an interview while I am still there?  hmmm….will have to see how the time goes while there.  Y’all have to talk to me!  lol